Unsure and Frozen

Thank you to all who have answered, I really appreciate the advice and I will try to apply all that was said. I guess at times I feel that the problems seem so trivial compared to other stories yet they seem so difficult. I keep taking it one day at a time. I keep looking for a sign to give some direction.  Thanks again,

You should read an old book called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".  It really points out the difference of how we handle listening to each other, what we do.  For example women just want someone to listen to their problems, show compassion.  Men hear and immediately need to retreat to their cave to solve the problem.

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There is a great book out called You Just Don't Understand, by Deborah Tannen about men and women in conversation.  It is an excellent tool that you and your wife might enjoy reading.  It will open your eyes and hers as well.

Compassion...  that is the key to a successful relationship.  Remembering that we are not the center of the universe and that other people and their needs really do matter. 

Hang in there.  You can do it.

If you want to chat, I am here.
Best -
Lisa

HI JHS -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360.

You have been married 21 years and are in your 40's. That says alot. You are in what we call midlife. I would guess that your wife is too. They call it mid life crisis for a reason. The reason is because we look at our lives in mid life and realize we aren't going to live forever. Then we look over what we have done with our lives and decide if we have made our life count for anything... have we made our life worthwhile.

That is a great deal of thinking and this is the time when we do it.. we re-evaluate.  Stay in counseling. Talk about this re-evaluation you and she are going through both with the counselor and with each other.

All long term committred relationships have rocky times. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. If there's no argueing or fussing in a relationship then one of the partners is dead.

The changes that occur in mid life also involve menopause for women and andropause for men. The hormonal changes can be even more difficult than the re-evaluation. But, we all get through to the other side eventually and the couples who manage to make it are usually happier and more balanced for the trip.

I struggle with being emotionally present , I approach everything as a problem that requires a solution.

Here's a couple of quick tips:
...listen twice as much as you talk whenever you are talking with your spouse.
...remember that women talk to solve their own problems by hearing them out loud and don't want to be fixed
...when she is talking through her problem listen until she is finished then say,"What do you need from me?"

She may say something like, I just needed you to listen. This allows her to feel heard. When you fix her she feels inept and incomptent. When you listen she feels validated and valued.

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I'm not near as "sage" as kevinwo, but I'll give you my opinions anyway.

First, there is no such thing as a "too long" post. Read some of mine! Your's is short in comparison. Say what you need to say to get it out. The mythical "they" say writing is the best therapy, and I can say from personal experience there is way more than a bit of truth in that.

Keep up the counseling. If they're any good, they'll figure out that overcoming the past is a problem and spend some time on solving it. If you have to, bring it up. My view is you are where you are, regardless of how you got there. Focus on that, where you want to be, and build the road between the two. Dwelling on "you forgot our 13th anniversary" serves no useful purpose, unless, of course, like my STBX, you need to have a bucketful of past misdeeds to toss into any argument. As they say in the stock market, "past performance may not be indicative of future results", and it often (usually?) isn't.

Opposite views do not preclude a happy marriage, so long as you can agree to disagree. If they are a bone of contention, I'd say more fodder for the counselor.

 

Do you know why she feels you can't be the partner she needs you to be? Is it because of the past, or the way you are today? I hope the latter, but I suspect the former. You can't change the past, but you can change the way you are "today" by tomorrow. But you say "I don't know why I want to be". I hate it when I don't know why, but with feelings oftentimes there isn't a good "why" an engineer can sink his teeth into. Don't dwell on the "why", at least in this case.

Lastly, I stayed way too long because of a fear of failure. We had no kids together, so that wasn't an issue. My advice is don't stay together because of a fear of anything. Living an unhappy life is one form of failure, when you think about it. And the kids will sense something is wrong when something is wrong.

Take care.

The way we handle our problems define who we are. The difficulties you two have, have strengthened your minds as labour does the body. That can be helpfull if you two want a successfull marriage. Every marriage has pressures, especially now as the world has become so complex. First, don't involve your kids in your problems, they need love, security and excitement to prosper. You especially may have to commit more energy to your marriage as you have been a workaholic. Divorce is hardly an option as it is just as hard or harder than reconciliation. There must be love to form a good marriage, don't stay for the sake of the kids, or because you feel failure in marriage, as your kids will certainly feel those sentiments. Committment and responsibility provide communication which provides the fuel to keep the union going for decades. Sex is a tiny part of marriage, but very wholesome. It should be kept in it's place and both parties should be satisfied. Should you work and succeed in your marriage, never, ever bring up the past again. It does no good. A re-committement means leaving the past behind for good. Of course it can be viewed as experience of which to learn. Remember that our life is what our thoughts make it. So that means old resentments should be forgotton, as well as any anger. A decision is the hardest thing to accomplish. You must decide, and start by starting. Put things into motion and if there is even a tiny amount of love left, you have something to work with. I feel that you can do this. The rewards are huge, my 3 grown, moved out sons are a reward to me daily. My 33 year marriage was perfect, but that's another story. I wish that I were in your shoes just to change the course of things. You have an opportunity of which there really is no choice. In divorce, nobody wins. In life we ask for the impossible and end up with the best possible. Time is running out, I know what I would do if I were you, but that's another story