Pain and suffering

HI PVT -

Have you asked your therapist if he/she would continue to see you at a reduced rate that you can afford?  I have done that with clients who couldn't afford to pay. 

If you can't attend a Divorce Care meeting because of school, how about CoDA (Co-dependents Anonymous) they might have a meeting on a weekend and they would help you a great deal.

Some local hospitals also have meetings for bereavement.  Check into that area.  Don't just stay home and try to deal with this yourself.  Isolating is not healthy and makes you feel worse. 

Let me know if any of these suggestions worked for you.

Best -
Lisa

Thanks everyone for your support. I know all these things in my head but they are not what I feel in my heart. Can'tattend any divorcecare meetings because I am n graduate school all the nights that they meet. I can't see my therapist because the insurance will no longer pay so those options have already been exhausted. I guess I will just have to deal with it all by myself. Thanks for your kind words.

The pain will lesson with time. I am sure many have told you that but it really will!
Make sure you are busy with SOMETHING on Thursday! Have dinner with a friend?
To heal- find something to occupy your mind- pick up a hobby- anything!
Hugs hun-  I am sorry! It is hard to let go when you stilllove them! Been there! But you can't change their mind nor them. It just isn't possible. If change is to come they have to want it- or it just won't happen.

You can get over it, it just takes time.  This is a great place to start.  Vent blog and get it all out.   I'm sorry for your pain.  I do hope you can find peace and happiness soon.

Hi PVTeach -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360.

I read over your posts and understand that you are lonely and in great emotional pain.  It has been suggested to you to attend a Divorce Care meeting.  Have you done so?  They have meetings all over your state.  Here is the link
http://www.divorcecare.com/findagroup/

There is nothing as wonderful as going to a meeting and finding out that there are other folks just like you going through the same thing you are.  They can become your new friends, support and life line.  Please go to one...  even if it is a bit of a drive, since you say you live in the boonies.

You want to know when the pain ends...  Like most great losses it may take up to two years for some of us to recover from the loss involved in divorce.  We may feel a wide variety of feelings ranging from rage to saddness to emptyness in the beginning.  This will change over time.  First you will have a good day every so often, then more frequently and so on until you only have a bad day every so often.  Eventually you will heal.

Give yourself time to grieve...  you need to. 

Take yourself out to a meeting this coming weekend as a treat.  It may feel odd at first, but you will find it is a real blessing in the end.  BTW, it is free.

If you want to chat, I am here.

Best -
Lisa

In my view, Thursday is your anniversary, whether married or not, and if not, whether by divorce or death. That's what the calendar says. When you say "would have been" I sense loss, and add, in my mind, "except for [something]". And I suspect there is a dominant feeling associated with that loss.

Can you identify the [something] and the feeling? I think both are critical to answering the question "How do I move on?" I believe you move on by dealing with the loss by resolving the feelings that keep you tied to it. Cut the ties that bind, so to speak. Often not easy to do without help (counseling and perhaps medication), and very similar to dealing with grief issues after a death.

When you write "I can't get over it" I can just hear you telling yourself that over and over. And self-talk is important. You can and will get over it. Instead of saying "I can't" say "It is hard, but I can and I will". Do that for a week and see if it doesn't make a difference in how you feel. And let me know; I've done it many times when I'm irrationally focused on a negative, and it's worked wonders.

When will the pain end? I'd say when you stop "doing" the things that keep it going. Thinking of him, for example. What are you thinking of? Ways to torture him because of what he did? The good times? The feeling of missing him? The emptiness of being alone? Whatever it is, I suspect it is indicative of focusing on the past or things in the past that are no longer in your present.

You are where you are regardless of how you got there, and you can't change that history. The only thing you can change is what you do about it in the future. You can choose to dwell on what was (and now isn't), or you can choose to focus on what is, and how to make it better for you.

Take care.

Accept the fact that he is not returning.  Look into my eyes.......He is not returning, it's been 1 year.

This is time for you to work on your weaknesses, we all have weaknesses.  Gain a new identity, move, paint the house, be good to yourself, as much as you can afford.  This is YOUR time, not his.  Look after your health, keep busy and responsible.  Donot look back thinking that you could have tried harder, because no one can make someone do what he did.  This is your time.

You must become more disciplined with yourself.  You are on an emotional rollercoaster, but keep focused.  You feel the way you do is because you have values.  That is a good thing.  You and I can have empathy for people who endure divorce.  The difficulties we have strengthen the mind as labour does the body.  Change is the law of life and we must change.  We can let our experiences crush us, or we can grow and improve as people.  Isn't that what life is all about?   In the middle of all this difficulty lies opportunities that we must not miss.  This is our time to focus on ourselves and it's a chance we don't want to waste looking backwards.

I can relate to your pain, it does get easier and we will become much better people.  These special dates and holidays are just days in a year.  Were going to be replacing old memories with new ones.  But we must do the hardest thing to do sometimes, and that is to decide.  Once we decide for ourselves, we start, by starting.  Enthusiasim for life is always there, we only have to grasp it.

It takes long...I agree with Melaine..go out and find out who you really are...be for you!!!  Healing takes a long time...I am going on 16 months that my STBX left and I still feel like it was yesterday.  Be strong!

Sorry for your pain, many hugs to you.

You need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and put one foot in front of the other, and start to move on.  I think at this point in your process you will need to probably see a counselor and get on some antidepressants.  They will help take the edge off and make each day a little more bearable.  In your profile you didn't say the ages of your children.   It wouldn't hurt for them to see a counselor as well.  There is an organization called "DivorceCare"  it is a support group, check out their website and see if there is one in your area.  It helped me out immensely.  They also have one for children, see if that is available as well for the children.  Start doing activities with the children to take your mind off of him.  I realize you work but see about getting involved with some organizations in your area that could also involve the children.  Take your mind off of him, and what you had because I don't think he's going to be turning back.  I know I have been there.  My ex too was a cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater.  We were married for 32 yrs when I caught him with the other woman.  You are a new woman now, go out and find out who she really is w/out him.  M.