My kids hate to visit their dad

I am sure that there are other people out there going through the same thing as me, and I could really use some wisdom. One of the main reasons that I am divorced is because my ex was verbally abusive to me and sometimes to our kids. I don't know if everyone would classify it as abuse, but it was no way to live or to raise kids. Over the years he became increasingly mean, hard to please and withdrawn. I did not want for my kids to always be tip toeing around, afraid to be around when their dad was home and hiding in the basement to avoid contact with him because he always had something to be angry about or criticize. I really thought that I was doing what was best for them.

So now my home life with my kids is fun, relaxed and peaceful. It is not easy, but that's fine. Then I send them to their dad's house. Or I should say that I force them to go. Alone. Without me. He's mean and crabby to them, doesn't have food in the house for them, leaves my 9 year old home alone for hours while he goes "running". He goes out every night even though he only has four nights a month with his kids. He moved into a two bedroom apartment with no furniture The kids sleep on two futon mattresses on the floor of one bedroom, which means that my 9 year old daughter is sleeping with her 13 year old brother. I could go on, but I'm sure that everyone has a list of horrible things their ex does.....

So I'm interested in hearing from other people who thought that they were doing what was best for their kids only to feel like they have thrown them to the wolves. Sometimes I wish (for a minute) that I would have just stayed married to the SOB and hoped he died young. (I'll probably be going to hell for even having those thoughts,,,,,,:) I have decided that the next time my daughter calls me and tells me that she is home alone, I will notify the police. I also have them in counseling to work through this and so that if I ever need it, I have the counselor to testify on the behalf of my kids.

by greengrass 113 Posts
Posted on 10/31/2009 11:22 AM

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Tags: bad parenting , visitation

Answers for "My kids hate to visit their dad" (4) (You must be logged in to answer)

Lisa Cannon
Divorce Coach
571 Posts

HI GreenGrass -

I guess all that is left is to feed them dinner, pack them some snacks and juice boxes and keep in touch with them while they are at his place to be sure they aren't alone. Your daughter will have to be the one to call you if she is left alone again.

You never know, just because he wouldn't admit to wanting to do any fun things with the kids in front of you doesn't mean he won't do it. He may forget about it for a while then recall it, think it was his idea and do it. Who knows. You planted the seeds, now they need time to sprout.

His issues with $$ are just selfishness. These are his children. It's not like you are asking him to give you the $$, just to spend it on them. It's just his defense mechanisms kicking in.

I am proud of you that you tried and that you were able to maintain your composure in front of him. Kudos to you for being the mature one.

Keep asking the kids how it went when they see him and what they did, what they ate, etc. At least this way you will have a handle on what is happening.

Keep posting. Maybe we will think of something else. I will give it more thought.

Best -
Lisa

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by Lisa Cannon
Posted on 11/2/2009 1:06 AM

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Hi Lisa: I tried some of your suggestion yesterday with my ex. I had considered that before, but felt like "these are his children, he picked this visitation, who can't spend 4 days a month with his children and manage to be a decent parent for that short time?" Who can't provide minimal furniture for his kids to sleep on or have some food in the house to prepare a meal a few times a month, but can buy computers, bikes, vacations, clothes and cars for himself? Obviously, my answer should have been "him". This is the man that I picked to have kids with and this is what I am stuck with, so I'd better be willing to make up for his shortcomings or my kids are the ones who really suffer. That's life and I will deal with it and I will make the best of it.

I was very calm, friendly and non-accusatory in the way that I spoke to him. I was actually very impressed with myself, and heaven knows that his favorite topic of conversation is how life can be made better for him. I made some of the offers that you suggested. His reply was that I needed to shut up and mind my own business. He said that I was just trying to get more money from him (??? Not true because he doesn't even get a parenting time credit for the time he does have them). He said that he couldn't afford to do fun things with them. He is not poor by any means. He drives a 2009 Range Rover and exercises on a bike that cost over 2,000. He makes way more than I do even with child and spousal support. We manage. So what now?

by greengrass 113 Posts
Posted on 11/1/2009 11:20 AM

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Lisa Cannon
Divorce Coach
571 Posts

(continued...)

Many Dad's pick up their kids, take them to dinner or bowling or a movie then bring them home. They find it easier to do activites than try to be home bodies when it isn't their lifestyle or they don't have furniture.

Maybe you could suggest this to him and see what he thinks. He might like it. The kids will like it better because they will have his attention at a restaurant or bowling or a movie for a short time and then be able to come home and relax. He might even be nicer to them since they are out in public. And, they will be having some fun together. Activities are the way males build relationships and bond most successfully.

If you want to use the time to go out yourself you might just ask him to give you a call when he is on his way so you can either be there to get the kids or have a sitter standing by.

Hope these suggestions help. Remember, you can't control his lifestyle or what he does but you can suggest changes in visitation that you think the kids would like. I am sure the kids would say yes to these ideas if you discussed them.

If you want to chat, I am here.
Best -
Lisa

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by Lisa Cannon
Posted on 10/31/2009 5:52 PM

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Lisa Cannon
Divorce Coach
571 Posts

Hi GreenGrass -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360. I have read over this post and your last.

I am glad you have your kids in counseling. It is important for them to be able to work through their issues with a trained professional. I gather from your post that you have seen the counselor too, as well as their father. All good steps.

I understand that you are worried about your kids because of their complaints and their father's unusual lifestyle. The fact that he is leaving your 9 year old home alone is problematic. If your 13 year old son is with her then he is old enough to be considered a babysitter. But if she is alone he might be endangering the welfare of a minor.

I understand that you want the kids to have a relationship with their Dad. That is healthy. Since you know much of the problems that occur you can be proactive. No food there? You might want to feed them supper before they leave. At least they won't be hungry. You could also pack some snacks in their overnight bags, like cereal bars and juice boxes, for the morning in case he doesn't do breakfast either.

At some point the kids will abjectly refuse to go if they feel they are being treated badly. When that time comes you will have some decisions to make.

Have you considered that maybe their father doesn't want to see them this much or this way? Does he want to see them 4X/month? Maybe he wants less. His actions don't seem to support wanting to spend time with them this way.

You might approach the subject with him beginning with the fact that he leaves your 9 year old home alone to go out. You could offer to have the kids dropped off at home if he is leaving rather than them remaining in his place by themselves. Maybe he doesn't want sleep overs? Maybe he would be happier taking them out to eat at a kid style restaurant then bringing them homeafterward.

(continued...)

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by Lisa Cannon
Posted on 10/31/2009 5:44 PM

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