Do I have a right...

Hi WuvmyGirls -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360. 

It is hard to advise you about this because there are so many facts missing.  I appreciate your desire to protect your daughter. 

You mention that prior visits haven't gone smoothly.  Can you elaborate?  Do you have full legal custody of your girls?  Are there any limitations for visitation in your agreement? 

Fill in some of the blanks please.
Thanks -
Lisa

I think I would talk to the principle - see if you can make any headway there. You don't want a list but just a heads up.
If you handle it right and talk to the right person maybe they will comply. Have you thought about talking to your lawyer so that you can get something written up legally?

Unless it's strictly prohibited in the custody arrangement or he has supervised visitation or there's a tangible and provable fear that he's a flight risk with your daughter, then I'd say no, you don't have a "right" to know.  If his volunteering at the school becomes disruptive, then it's on the school to tell him that he is no longer welcome.  But, in this case, I don't blame the school for keeping these things private...last thing they want is to get in the middle of custody issues.  YOU may not be looking to interfere w/ the visitation, but there are others who would, and it's probably just easier for them to not get in the middle if they don't have to be.

I mean to say mom over dad or vice versa.  Sorry!

You mentioned you have full physical but nothing about legal.  If you have joint legal custody he can volunteer at the school as often as he wants regardless if you are informed or not. 

I don't know what your history is but I'm always leery of people who say the other parent visiting the school is a problem.  I think if there is some sort of strain or conflict between the parties the school is a wonderful place for the parent child bond to be reinforced.  It's a structured, supervised environment and it makes kids feel good to see their parent taking time out of their day to be with them. 

Also, it allows the child a chance to be with the non-custodial parent without feeling any sort of guilt or pressure from the custodial parent.  We all know that children feel the pressure to choose mom over dad even in the best divorce situations.

I wish my step kid's mother (who is non-custodial)  would volunteer at their school more often or at all actually.  It would make her kids really happy to see here there.

It sounds like she gave you your answer. I'd guess the answer is no. I'm wondering if you can't explore other administrative avenues at the school, perhaps a bit more informally, to see if you can't get the information anyway...? Perhaps there's someone more sympathetic that the teacher him/herself.

Can you contact the principal directly, frame it more that a potentially disruptive adult might be on school grounds and you—out of altruistic goodness—would like to be able to do whatever is in your power to mitigate his impact not only on your daughter, but potentially upon her entire class?

Or am I reaching too far with this? If it's at all a gray area, that means there must be a way to get what you want.