How do you ever trust another man/women again after the love of your life has an affair.

Learning to trust again is not easy.  Sounds like your marriage is over, so you never have to worry about trusting your ex.  But what about the next person in your life?  You've got to learn to have confidence in yourself, your ability to trust others...and yourself.

My wife cheated and lied about it even after I knew the truth.  Trust died between us.  I was a sneaky husband, just looking for the next thing to bust her on.  She was afraid and in denial for months.  I filed for divorce over a year ago, and then called it off after she begged me to take her back, take her love and guilt and apologies seriously.  So I did.

The hardest thing for me to do now is relax.  My wife is not an emotional person, very linear, very UN emotional when it comes to our marriage.  I witnessed the passion and closeness she had with her affair partner, I want that directed towards me.  She is, the best she can.  I just have to be careful to trust her, accept her love, and love her in return.

Our family is together, but there's still times when the two of us feel miles apart.  We renewed our vows in August, and I do trust her now.  My problem is with the "what ifs" at this point.  What if I'd kept going with the divorce, where would I be now?  Would I find someone else?  Would I have that passionate romantic love I seek?  Who knows.

So in the end, trust yourself to find the right person who won't hurt you.  And be open to love.  It's really all there is in this world.  Love.

2CD

Hi NikNik -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360.

The real question isn't whether you will ever trust a partner again...   the real question is when will  you begin to trust your ability to discern when someone is deceiving you again. 

That is what takes time, patience and some recovery work.  Right now you are raw from finding out the truth about someone who you thought was honest with you. 

There may have been signs that you didn't want to see for a while now.  When partners accept changes and don't look for explanations that make sense, they can begin to delude themselves into thinking everything is okay when it isn't. 

As you rebuild your self esteem and begin to honor the feelings you get within your body when you are being lied to, you will begin to have more faith in you ability to discern when you are being deceived.  It takes time. 

If you want to chat, I am here.

Best -
Lisa

It is a matter of learning to trust your own judgement that is the hard part. I won't ever trust the ex again. Hello. It was learning to trust my judgement and realizing that I had blinders on that was the hard part. I am more open to signals now but I do trust, not blindly like before, I won't ignore signals if I see them but I do stilll believe in the goodness of people. I believe my ex will have more difficulty trusting than I do. He will have to live with doubt everyday for the rest of his life, unless he makes some huge changes in his life. Good luck.

It sounds like you miss being married and having someone to love and trust more than you miss your stbx personally.  I'm sure it will be a long long time before I can trust someone like that again.  Right now I can't imagine ever wanting to get married again, but I suppose that will change over time.  There are good honest men out there.  I know.  My dad and brothers are among them. 

HereIgo said:
I always expected the best of my stbx.  I loved her, and just assumed that she would honor me as I honored her.
I was wrong.

So true! So true!  What we expect of others is always a reflection of what is in our own hearts.  My stbx was always jealous, possessive and suspicious.  I couldn't have a two minute "Hi.  How are you?  Nice weather we're having." conversation with a dad of one of my kids friends without my husband flying off the handle.  His affair blindsided me. 

I'm sure you and I will both learn to trust again.  We'll just have to be a little more careful about picking who to trust.

If you feel like you can't trust anyone right now, that's fine.  You've been hurt and you need time to heal.  So, take it.  Take all the time you need.  And then some.  Everybody goes through this at their own pace.  You'll know when you're ready to give someone a chance again. 

How will you trust someone else......because you can't put every man in the same category as your ex.  I am dating a wonderful and loving man.  Do I trust him? Yes, completely.

You will get to that point. Trust me :-)

Meanwhile take care of yourself, re-discover the woman that you were.....

Abrazos.

Life is about choices. 
YOu can choose not to love again. Your risk is missing out on a wonderful life with someone who really loves you this time.
You can choose to try again. The risk is finding someone who will break your heart again.
I'll take the possibility of getting my heart broken any day over a life without the chance for real love.

You will be fine in time, count on it.  First get your house in order, look after your health, keep busy and think positive.  Time will erase your love for your ex.  Our life is what our thoughts make it.  Success isnot a result but always a goal.  So keep moving forward, grow from your mistakes as well as your experiences.  You are priceless, don't think otherwise.  Life is so very good, I know you are down right now, but this is only temporary.  Why he did this?  Who cares.  You must decide what to do with your life, see an attorney to get advice.  DO IT, you need it, they can be paid over years.  Start by starting.

The difficulties you face strengthen the mind as labour does the body.  You will become a stronger more capable woman.  You will find a new love for a certainty, but make the mental connection first.  Donot give sex away randomly.  It is so special, a small part of a relationship, but so wholesome.  Suitable men are everywhere, you will find a soulmate, but get yourself and house in order first.  Be well.

You will trust others, but it's likely that you won't trust him again.

I can only speak for myself, but I'd say that first you need to forgive yourself.

It took me a long time to forgive myself for being fooled.  Because I allowed myself to be fooled, I lost trust in myself.  Over time, I came to realize that the easiest person in the World too fool, is someone who loves you.

I always expected the best of my stbx.  I loved her, and just assumed that she would honor me as I honored her.

I was wrong.

Take your time to figure it out.  You deserve the peace of mind that comes with trusting yourself, and those you love.

Good luck.

i ask myself that every day. even now he refuses to believe he did anything wrong except change his mind about loving me. and forgetting to tell me he was screwing somebody else. and ruining us both financially. and lying constantly, etc. and i never doubted him, never questioned and never stopped loving him. even now his coldness hurts me i still ache for the man i am not supposed to love anymore.

I don't know yet, but I'm beginning to think that everyone is different, and just because my ex was a jerk doesn't mean everyone is.

The bigger problem for me is trusting my judgment, I was reviewing my journal today and was shocked by how oblivious I was, how much in denial. That concerns me more, actually.