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Lost.

My wife cheated on me with multiple random strangers she met on a swingers website. She had them in my house with our kids while I was out of town working and went to hotels to meet them while I was home watching the kids. I have email, text, IM, and phone proof, plus she has admitted everything. What are my chances of getting full custody of my kids and proving her an unfit mother? I am still with her somehow trying to work it out but just dont know who I can talk to about my options. I was in GA but live in SC now. To clarify, I never left her, we all live in SC now.

by devastated14 14 Posts
Posted on 11/5/2009 4:04 PM

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Answers for "Lost." (13) (You must be logged in to answer)

It would probably be wise to consult with a good attorney that has a successful track record in divorce cases.

Its always good to be as informed as possible of all your options and potential risks before taking any action.

Usually, consultations are free and if you can get a referral to a good attorney your consultation will go a long way to giving you some peace of mind while you try and work things out.

In the meantime, consider couples therepy for your marriage to address the issues and give you a clear picture of what needs to be resolved. Individual therepy would help your wife too. Sounds like she has tasted a way of life she may not be prepared to give up permanently. Therepy would help her sort out what's at the bottom of all her wild behavior and what's missing in her life. Definitely sounds like she is searching for something.

Hang in there. Your kids need a strong parent to raise them.

by timless 781 Posts
Posted on 11/5/2009 5:50 PM

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You can be the primary custodian of the children and have more rights to their well being but I don't think you can eliminate her from your children' lives. That is what you are asking for. You can ask the court for primary custody and physical custody of the children. That is what you need to do. You may get it to the point where she only has supervised visits with the children.

Good Luck

by Wister 7 Posts
Posted on 11/5/2009 5:09 PM

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Just a clarification does she live in GA and you live in SC or you both live is SC now? Not too sure from your post.

by LISADHORNING 66 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 6:45 PM

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I know your angry but spaznskitz is right. You should have done something right away, moving away was not the answer. I am not sure in your state but in NJ it is considered abandonment and you can lose your house and the kids.

You really need to see a lawyer and discuss these issues. Maybe you can have custody during the school year and she can have custody in the summer. I know that in SC they are more for the woman than men, at least that is what I hear.

Unless you think that the kids are in danger have child services investigate and make a determination if she is either leaving the kids along, not taking care of them or having them watch while she is having sex. Other than that, you have to deal with the fact that your marriage is over and she has moved on.

Believe me I know it is hard. I get angry and sad but revenge is not the answer. Neither is self pity. It is what it is.

by LISADHORNING 66 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 6:42 PM

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We are not in counseling yet and this whole situation is very stressful to deal with. Spaznskitz what are you saying is a felony in GA? I am in a lose lose situation no matter what I choose to do here. Part of me wants to leave her, other part of me wants to stay because I love her and my kids. If I choose to go the route of divorce I want her to pay for her sins and keep my kids away from her for what she did to us, if I choose to stay then I will just have to deal with my trust issues forever. Either way it looks like a lose, lose situation. Thank you for the replies. I really cant even think about talking about this with anyone that is close to me because it is just too embarrassing.

Lisa - that is all well and good but this poster is in GEORGIA and it is 100% a felony.

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 11/3/2009 1:45 AM

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Spasnkitz:

I am not sure what State your in but in New Jersey you do not need consent to record anyone and it is not a felony in my State, as I was told my numerous lawyers, police officers and the like. I have told my ex not to record me or the kids but in my State is is permissible. I have been in the legal field for 21 years and have access to alot of people which confirmed this for me.

I agree that adultery is not grounds for sole custody but if she is endangering the children then it might be. I would hire a private detective, which I did. I have joint custody but not in the tradition al sense. My ex is not allowed any over night stays with the children whatsoever or any communications with his children other than visitation.

by LISADHORNING 66 Posts
Posted on 10/31/2009 1:04 PM

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Ah ok sorry, assumption that you left because you said *I* was in GA not *we* moved.

The unfortunate part of the legal system is that in deciding to stay and work things out, it shows "forgiveness" on your part, and the longer you stick it out, the less of a factor her adultery is in your divorce. It isn't "punishment" - it is your choice and with all choices come consequenses - some not so great. (as you are finding out)

And no, it isn't child endangerment to have people over to the house while they are sleeping. Now if you knew who they were, did extensive background checks and found any of them to be convicted of drug or alcohol crimes, or any felony - THEN it would be possible endangerment. Again though, the longer you take to take action, if you even could, the less impact it has.

You are grasping here - I get that you are angry and are having a hard time working past it - I don't blame you, I don't think I could forgive that if I were in your shoes - it would take the best marriage counselor on the planet for me to even look at my spouse without daggers in my eyes (and hands for that matter) however, don't put your kids into the middle of it. They aren't pawns when it comes to punishment for her misdeeds.

If you decide to end your marriage you take the steps to ensure what she did never happens again, just like you would if you stayed together - you don't drag your kids into the middle and rip them from their mother for things they don't even know went on in the first place.

Are you in marriage counseling? If not, and you really are trying to work through it - you need to be.

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 10/29/2009 5:04 PM

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We are together and have never split up. We have been married 8 years, have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. I decided to try to work it out for the sake of my kids and marriage after I found out. Are you saying I should be penalized for trying to work it out? I had to work out of town during the week for a long time last year due to a job change during a tough financial time for us before we all moved this past summer and that is when her wild sex romps with the swingers happened. I found out about it right before our move. My family lives much closer to my work now but I still have doubts and trust issues about my decision to stay with her. So the fact that these men and couples were complete strangers invited over from internet conversations on a swingers website would not have any grounds toward proving child endangerment? What is this world coming to if that is truly the case. I hate that I even have to think about these options and am still in shock. I just cant talk to anyone about it, even friends. Thank you for the advise.

by devastated14 14 Posts
Posted on 10/29/2009 4:41 PM

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Your proof isn't as solid as you think - let me explain why...

an attorney can shred the credibility of IM's & e-mails when they don't come directly from the provider. They also can be twisted to make it look as if you are making more of it than it really was. The phone proof, if you recorded her conversations, or have any recording of a conversation you were not a party of - or that all parties agreed to be recorded - it is inadmissable and actually, a felony on your part even possessing.

Now also, how can a court believe you think she is a danger to the children or an unfit mother when you found out and didn't immediately get an emergency motion for custody and removed the kids from her care - but instead left them with her and you moved out of state?

She has a legal right to a sex life, and although you don't like the fact she had people over while your kids were asleep and married to you - it wasn't against the law. It is grounds for divorce, but it isn't grounds for removal of the children from her care. It isn't neglect. Stupid and selfish, but not neglect.

You won't get full custody of the kids over this BUT what you can do is ensure there is a morals clause in place so that from this point forward she can not have men around the kids at night when they are in her care. If she blatantly violates THAT- then you have grounds for a change in custody.

Understand I'm not downplaying your outrage - it's understandable and justified - but what you want to retaliate with, taking the kids from her for cheating on you in this manner - isn't going to work.

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 10/29/2009 3:37 PM

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Keep all that proof. I'm in SC and they look down on adultery and that is a sound reason to get a divorce if that's what you chose to do.

You say you're trying to work it out though. If that's the case then maybe you better look into a sex addict therapist/psychiatrist to figure out if that's what it is.

I read what Spaz wrote (she is an attorney btw). Maybe get her on child neglect. She can't be watching the children when she's having flings in the bedroom. I'd ask a local lawyer about that.

Since it's your house (and this is stretching it) but maybe you could have surveillance put in when your out of town to have proof that your children are being left unattended while your wife was with other men.

I hope you can work this all out.

by lifeinpurgatory 1830 Posts
Posted on 10/29/2009 3:03 PM

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Seriously? How can having random strangers, that you have only IM with online, over to my house while my kids are there sleeping not be considered dangerous and life threatening behavior? My kids deserve better and I just don't know what to do. What are my options?

by devastated14 14 Posts
Posted on 10/29/2009 1:14 PM

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Her having an alternative sexual lifestyle that you don't approve of doesn't make her an unfit mother. People don't lose their kids because they cheated, even if the kids were there at the time unless she literally had the kids IN the room with them and participating.

She made some poor choices but a court won't take the kids away from her for it.

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 10/29/2009 12:33 PM

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