What is emotional abandonment?

Yeah.  Don't you love when you get the blame for their affair?  LMMFHO!  We drove them to it.  Yeah right.  The moon's made of green cheese too.

T


This article is excellent- this is what happened with my husband. He started distancing himself and then more and more emotionally abusive- jumping all over me for little things, not sharing- keeping all his stuff separate, not opening up and talking, and then an affair. But all the other stuff came first I realize now.He started leaving me out on all his plans. I tried to talk to him but he wouldn't open up, instead he just found someone else.It gets very lonely in this type of relationship where there isn't a concern for the other. I was sick for three weeks and he never checked me ( he's a dr. and I thought that was odd- it didn't show a caring concern. He also left me in the back seat of a car while sick in freezing weather so he could visit a flea market. Just little things that generally showed a lack of respect and concern.

My ex accused me of this (along with a lot of other things) during our divorce.  I apparently "drove" her to her affair.  I guess I must have done that after I made the appointment for marriage counseling that she refused to go to. 

Years later, when emotions had died down a bit, she told me that she felt hurt, that's why she accused me of so much.  I get that.  To be honest, I got that at the time.  I felt hurt, too.  We weren't communicating like we should have been.  But, by making so many accusations, she just esculated things and made a bad situation worse.  It is possible to go through a divorce without ruining the other person.  As a good friend told me, keep in mind that you did love her once.

Deja vu!

OMG!  This is what I went through- holy crap!

Hi HIC -

Spaz is right and the article (I just read it) is excellent.  Emotional abandonment is a terribly hurtful prospect in a primary relationship whether with a spouse, parent or child. 

stCheshireCat, you asked another question that I believe is just as important.  Why does the person who shuts down blame their partner and refuse to take personal responsibility? 

Part of the reason is that the person shutting down is hurt.  They perceive their own injuries, whatever they are, to be monumental and they are protecting themselves by shutting down and refusing to interact...  thereby limiting the hurt.  They are, of course, also limiting the ability to heal because of the lack of communication and intimacy.

The refusal to take responsibility arises when the person who has shut down sees the situation only from their own perspective.  They project their feelings onto their partner and blame them for what they actually feel is their own fault.  That sounds complex, but it is really a psychological truth in many instances. 

The blame game is unhealthy and destructive. 
Hope that helped. 
Best -
Lisa

Spaznskitz has it exactly!  In retrospect, I can see the abandonment happened years ago.  I was so busy trying to save something Mr. X had left, that I didn't realize until he finally walked out the door that I'd been abandoned a long, long time before he physically left.

My only question is this:  When a spouse abandons and cheats, why, oh, WHY can't the person take responsibility for his/her actions?  Why does he or she have to tear down the person they've abandoned and try to make it all that person's fault.  I know I would have had a lot easier time working through the issues, if all the blame hadn't been heaped on me, too.  I know it still would have been hard, but just ridding myself of that burden took months!

It's when your spouse shuts down. Stops being interested in you, or your life together - will not discuss even the simplest of issues brought up. There is no investment anymore. It's like they are a million miles away in the same room.

Here's a good article on the subject...

http://christianwomentoday.com/womenmen/abandonment.html