How do you move on after 23 years with someone?

Suggestion...

Draw a time-line of your life. Time before marriage, time married, and time after marriage. The one that predominates is the one in which most of your memories were created.

Don't forget them, especially the good ones. They are part of what made you who you are today. But try to put them in the context of just you, not your ex, or you as a couple. Think (not just say) "when I went to the...", not "when we went to the..." or, even worse, "when [his name] and I went to the...". Try to focus on "I was there", "I did that". Then you can talk about the memories, and even think about them (self-talk) without bringing up [his name].

Of course, if a memory requires reference to him, try calling him "the ex" instead of [his name]. I would hope you could say something like "It was really funny when the ex went bungie jumping and threw up on the first bounce-back" to your boyfriend. But he might not like it if you used [his name].
To me, if I was your boyfriend, I wouldn't like you continually using [his name], but I wouldn't mind comments like the above. When discussing memories, only mentioning him when necessary, and then calling him "the ex" would reinforce my belief that he really is gone from your life and you are moving on.

And I think it will do the same for you, if you can manage to control your self-talk in that way.

Hope something works for you, if not this.

Take care.

Married 36 years.  I know how you feel, but I'm getting there.  It takes time and counseling.  The counseling helps a lot--an objective voice to help gain perspective.

Please forgive yourself for your ups and downs.  The pain is real.  When I think about it, I think about the old children's game, "Going on a Bear Hunt..."  When you're confronted with the pain, you 'can't go over it...can't go under it...have to go through it.'

Forgive yourself for your anger.  It's there for a reason!  Still, it also doesn't hurt to try to consciously try to work through that, as well.  Some people find journaling or writing the letters to your ex and OW that you'll never mail.  Shred them or burn them on the barbecue!  There's something that helps to write out your feelings and then burning them to release.  If writing doesn't help, I would suggest art therapy.  I found writing too difficult at first, but I got myself a sketch pad and crayons, pastels and markers.  I drew how I was feeling.  My counselor suggested I draw how I perceived my life before, how I felt now, and how I envisioned life in the future.  It helped to draw out the pain.   I'm no artist.  These pictures would never make a gallery, but they had meaning for me and helped me through pain and anger.  The whole collection went with my artist sister to Burning Man this summer, where they were burned at the end of the festival. 

Please do something nice for yourself everyday, too.  That helps more than you can know.  It helps you reaffirm in a positive way that you are worth loving and knowing and worth all the effort.  Rebuilding that sense of self as an individual is important.  You are a good person.  You are deserving of a good future.  You will make it to that good future.

I guess I should have clarified. I am dating a man I have known for 15 years, not someone I met while going out. I have stayed away from the bottle through this whole ordeal, although that has been tough some days. But I have known my boyfriend many years just as friends, and he helped me through this divorce (he went through one a year ago after he found out his ex was cheating on him) and I am aware of this whole "rebound" effect. I don't think that's what this relationship is, but I am going into it with my eyes wide open and not rushing into anything. My ex has already moved the other woman in and she isn't even divorced yet, but has given up custody of her kids. I am dating, having a good time.It's nice to have someone to see a movie with. I hadn't seen a movie with my ex since Fatal ATtraction cuz he couldn't smoke or drink in the theater. So I go to the movies once a month and have a great time. Movie and Starbucks - afternoons sitting in the sun just talking for hours. I have been through counseling (and am doing it now) and my counselor does not think this is a co-dependent problem. My boyfriend is extremely supportive and has helped me move to a better place. Thanks for your kind words though. This board has helped me immensely.

Your situation is exactly like mine, but I was married 33 years and I am 53, retired at 49, looking forward to great things and then her online relationship became a real life relationship.  How to forget is the million dollar question, but I do believe that with the passage of time it becomes easier.  In fact, new memories replace old ones.  In my case I never saw it coming, at all.  So all of my thoughts are of her this year.  I do long for a closure to all of this madness and want so much to find a companion when I am ready. 

I think it takes discipline to manage our thoughts.  When difficulties arise, so do opportunities.  We have to keep busy so these former thoughts donot invade our thinking.  If you have any ideas, please let me know.  We will be complete and whole once our baggage is thrown out the window.  Keep your health up and exercise, which will give you stability in your life.   Kev

I was with my ex for 20 years, 13 married and everyday there is something that brings up my past life.  It is going to take time don't move along so quickly that you don't take the time to grieve the loss.  I have been told that it is not much different than having to bury a parent, except that their is actual closure.  Time, time and more time, don't rush into anything you are not emotionally ready for.  Be well.

Give yourself the time to heal. 21 years is way too long to
think you can just be over it in a few months. I would say
you are dating too soon. You haven't given yourself the time
it really takes. There's a few things you need to figure out,
such as - are you a co-dependent? Dating that soon, some
would think to.Some experts say its about 1 year healing time
for every 5 years of marriage. That's a bit much for most to
accept, but its going to take some time to get adjusted - at
least a year. Ask yourself if you are totally happy with yourself.
If the answer is no, or not yet, then how could you be happy
with anyone else, and how could anyone be happy with you?

Thank you for a great post!  I am in the beginning phase and have not left the house yet.  The reason being is I have to find employment (I was layed off in Sept) and will be moving 500 miles away.  Here at 360 I see the phases that will come..I never thought of memories (good or bad).  I wish I had an answer for you but I do not.  But aren't memories our life story?  We get hurt by someone and all these memories should go away...I think not...the memories helped shape the person we are today.  Don't delete your memories for you are starting new ones right now!  Life has changed, I too live in a place with there is aother woman involved.  As I go through this there is one memory I will take with me...I am glad I am not her.  I am glad I can look and remember the type of person I am...that I could not possibly ruin two families and feel happy about it.  The memory has two sides the pain involved for me and my children and how I feel the better person for not doing what she did.  I don't want to lose that feeling...that is the type of person I am...I could never inflict pain, and I feel better for that.  I am raising my children (19&22) to make their choices wisely, talking with them and this will be a memory for them as well.  She is currently married to husband #2, her son as old as mine has moved back with his Dad, husband #1, now she is onto husband #3 (mine).  I will remember my life...good and bad...and feel lucky I am, who I am, and that I have a life to remember.  Take care...hugs to you!  Keep us posted!!

I was married 38 years and I know exactly what you mean. Your ex was a big part of your life. I am just making new memories as I go.

Wrapping up a 23 year marriage myself.

Living a good life is the best revenge.  If that doesn't work, there's alcohol........

I've had the same problem.

I think about something I enjoy. Every time memories of him come into my mind, I intentionally substitute something pleasant so thoughts of him leave my mind.

I know, a lot of the memories were good. When I think of the good things I picture him as a monster hiding under the skin of someone I loved, but I didn't know the monster was there. I'm very visual, lol.