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Can you really be "friends" with your ex???

My stbx and I were friends even after we separated...we actually got along better after he left. I knew we just couldn't live together but he came over all the time and we did family stuff together etc.

He told me in no uncertain terms that he was not looking for anyone (we were friends with benefits) and that he thought we should wait until the divorce was final to find other people.

Well....about 3 months ago he up and starts dating someone, and didn't even have the nerve to tell me! I guessed because he was acting differently. I reacted badly, he got distant and our relationship has been strained ever since.

He apologized recently, he said that he wasn't looking...that it just "happened." Riiiight. I used to trust him, but he has lied to me several times (denied sleeping with her and then admitting it for example). He treated me like he didn't want me in his life, and that hurt. I always thought we would be friends but I feel betrayed because I stuck with our agreement and he didn't.

I know it's for the best in the end....I have a feeling if this didn't happen I would have wasted another few years of my life doing the friends w benefits thing and not actually going through with a divorce. Because I really do not want him back, we just don't work together.

But can we really be friends? Is that even a good idea if I want to get on with things? I have missed him but I am getting over it and it is easier and easier each day. Should I keep the boundaries that have come up recently? Stuff like not texting him funny stuff, teasing each other, hanging out once in a while. I have a feeling if we start doing that it might end badly again.

It's kind of a weird situation. Anyone out there actually have a better relationship with the ex than you did before you got divorced? Can it work?

Lrayne

by Lrayne 22 Posts
Posted on 10/9/2009 4:41 PM

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Answers for "Can you really be "friends" with your ex???" (16) (You must be logged in to answer)

Aquantances yes- friends no. Burn the bridge in that area. My vote is NO ! Cordial yes..

by mtnvly 3539 Posts
Posted on 11/11/2009 2:44 PM

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we are just getting started with this friends thing she has told me that we just need some space and see what happens no promises of getting back together we are not having sex now or even over the last month so i am not sure what the benefits part is going to be lmao but we are doing thanksgiving and going to a concert in dec
like most this is new to me i had never considered being friends with an ex
i guess we all hope to be the exception instead of the rule and i am no different tho i will be honest with the events and the consequences
good luck and thanks for posing the question

by loub 4 Posts
Posted on 11/11/2009 2:25 PM

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My stbxh stated that he wanted to still be "friends" after he asked me for a divorce. This after he treated me like trash that could just be kicked to the curb?

Not going to happen....I am only friends with people I like and respect.

by zuki 685 Posts
Posted on 10/17/2009 1:31 AM

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the friends with benefits thing works only for the person who left. The person who was left is thinking that eventhough the they are saying friends with benefits they couldn't possibly mean it. We think its a way to get the relationship back but it isn't. I fell into this trap once and never will again. He came over made me think it was something and thought we would do it again. No I would rather be on my own, and find someone who appreciates me than someone who I had been with for 8 years who could use me like that knowing how I felt.

by stperry 169 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 7:57 PM

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I think part of the problem for me is that I don't have a lot of friends. I have one very close friend and two "buddies" that I go out with once in a while. I used to have a lot more friends before him, but I let a lot of them go when my stbx and I got together. Big mistake!

I think once I widen my social circle, date, make more friends it will be easier - fill the void that him leaving created. I am just lonely, especially the two nights he has the kids.

I like the idea of doing kid stuff together. Took the kids to the Pumpkin patch without him and it was weird. Definitely want him to be there this week when we decorate for Halloween and trick or treating. In order to make that happen I need to let go of the resentment. SO HARD.

Sorry this post was a bit rambling.

by Lrayne 22 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 12:37 PM

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Like most everyone has said... until you can find away to move on, being friends is a tough one. Friends with benefits is just everyone's way of holding on.

The ex and I are friends.. mainly due to the kids. We have done a couple "family" outings with the kiddos and can have a good time, laugh and joke about. But I also do not hang out with just him.. I can't do that. While we still talk about things, they stay pretty limited in focus.. common friends, work, kids. I do not want to hear or know about his love/sex life and I don't tell him about mine. But I decided early I needed to move on and create "my" life. Now I have my friends and my own social circle and the space I need to try and get past the hurt.

by fbchick 26 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 9:32 AM

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When my ex & I separated we worked hard to keep things amicable, there were tense moments but not bad for the most part. I told him that i hoped we could stay friends through this - we practically grew up together. That just made it harder, in fact i think he was using that to keep tabs on me. Anyway, since our separation 6 months ago we only speak through email, so it was easy to cut out the personal stuff: "how are you? what have you been up to?" Once i did that letting go got a LOT easier.

I think if you're holding on to a friendship so close after separating you're not giving yourself the time to heal and move on. You still have a "married" relationship, so of course you'll be hurt when he turns up with someone else.

Good for you, Lrayne, that you decided create boundaries. You'll proabably want to change your mind on that a hundred times - i'm going through a low spot and miss my ex so bad right now - but try to stay strong. :o)

by OddGirlOut 134 Posts
Posted on 10/12/2009 4:33 AM

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I'm not friends with my ex, she is with the guy she cheated with. I find it hard to adjust to my kids being a part of his life now. We are cordial but that is all. I know that I should not feel this way but I HATE my ex with everything in me. And hate the other guy even more, I would not shed a tear if he died. I don't even know if I would cry if my ex was dead. The funny thing is no one knows I feel this way about her. I can put on a good front. So be friends? Not in my life time or the next....the only thing I feel for her is disgust!

by Valmet 102 Posts
Posted on 10/10/2009 2:32 PM

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Wow, thank you - everyone. Ladybug, you did help as did all the responses. The funny thing is I knew the answer I just needed some unbiased opinions to confirm it.

I will say that I will NEVER have "benefits" with him again, I know that much....I will not be used when he does not have someone else to screw.

I plan on having a talk with him tonight, and tell him that we need to keep our boundaries and be cordial and civil to each other for the kids, but we really can't go back.   Ever.

Wow....wow!   I feel empowered that I've made this decision, I have been waffling for a while and it's nice to have a firm grip on what I need to do.

THANK YOU ALL.

by Lrayne 22 Posts
Posted on 10/10/2009 8:52 AM

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Pixy your right. A friend can support their decisions with out strings and I am not able to do that yet. I'm pretty sure they are living together already even though he says no. I can't accept that yet.

And Gemi your right too. I do think that its too confusing for me when we talk/act like friends knowing that he is moving on. I think it is keeping me from letting go and moving forward.

I know what I need to do but its just so hard.

by ladybug40 12 Posts
Posted on 10/10/2009 7:42 AM

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Very good question. I hope more people will share their take on it.
Of course, I can only speak for certain from my own experience but it seems to me, keeping that 'friendship' alive is tampering your ability to move on with your life along with shutting possibility to get any kind of closure. Either you are together or you are not. It's sort of 'have a cake and eat it too' dream and you deserve at least a shot at real life.
Personally, I can't and don't even want to be friends with my ex. It would be like ripping my heart out over and over and over. I can't forgive him for not being a good dad to our children and refusing to make any effort to save our marriage. Now, I do make the best effort to be civil and in that we succeed, but friends - umm... no, thank you - in my world, friends don't hurt friends, and if that would be the case, it would make for a toxic friendship and one one needs to run away from as quickly as possible.
Good luck sweetie figuring that out. May you be strong and comfortable with your decision.

by gemi 1064 Posts
Posted on 10/9/2009 9:16 PM

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I know I will never be friends with my ex, benefits or not. Too many bad memories of the divorce process starting with how I was served. So add my vote to the no side of your poll. Get rid of him for good and move on with getting well.

by Jamesalone 2778 Posts
Posted on 10/9/2009 8:40 PM

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I too have tried being friends with the ex, but unfortunately it's not working. We did the whole thing "friends with benefits" and let me tell you, it does not work. He is going on with his life and dating a much younger girl. I'm beginning to think that maybe after we both find someone else, then we can try and see if it still works, minus the benefits part". I know that it's hard to let go, and I'm still working on that part myself. I keep coming back to this site for support, and believe me it helps. My ex goes so far as to say if we keep being friends then maybe we can work it out and be married again. I think that this is his way of not letting me and the kids go. He feels that if we still have a good relationship and his relationship with his girlfriend doesn't work, then I'm there to fall back on. I am in the same situation, and reading your post was like I was writing it. Please take my advice. Don't do it! It doesn't work. At least it's not working for me. My kids are getting more confused and I'm getting more depressed. Let Go.

by tryin2movon 27 Posts
Posted on 10/9/2009 8:25 PM

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Friends don't hold strings to the friendship.    You can't be friends but insist he not move on with his love life and find comfort and solace with another woman.

A healthy friendship with an ex means you do not dictate their behaviour.   You accept them and their choices and repect their privacy.   Just as you would any friend.

I have not become friends with my ex yet because I cannot stand the thought of him with another woman.     So it wouldn't be fair to him or me to pretend to be friends but only if he stays faithful to the "memory" of us.

I would suggest distance until you are ready to support him in all his choices and not take his personal life on as your business.      It is just too painful right now and sounds like it will be a very long time before that can happen.

Perhaps when you start dating and start developing feelings for another man you'll let go of him.

by pixy 100 Posts
Posted on 10/9/2009 8:23 PM

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One thing I noticed in both of your posts is they were there for you as long as there was not another woman. Honestly I think that happens more than we know because you are there for them so why not. I am not friends with my ex but my children are adults so I don't have to be friends.

by sjg 1772 Posts
Posted on 10/9/2009 8:10 PM

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My situation is similar only we were getting along great before he up and left. We laughed, had a very healthy sex life, etc. But after he broke up with the girl he left for we started getting along again, doing family things, eating together, even became friends with benefits. He also told me that he was not interested in seeing anyone else and wasn't looking but he was distant for a couple days and when I confronted him I found out there was someone else.

He says he still wants us to be friends and that this new girl knows that he will always be there for me if needed-like she will keep agreeing to that lol.

I feel like I need no contact to get past this but at the same time I can't let go.

I know I havent been any help but you are not alone. I would also like to see what others have to say.

by ladybug40 12 Posts
Posted on 10/9/2009 8:04 PM

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