How do our husbands find so many woman who will sleep with married men?

I'm in the same boat. My soon t be ex husband is now living with his current girlfriend who has 3 kids and is living on section-8 housing. He moved in with her 2 months ago but they met over  a year ago he told me. I already have a lawyer. I could use some friends here so if you want to email me, please do so at:
Sillythebirdie@yahoo.com 

There's so much more to my story too.

I look at the situation like this:   why are so many married partners open to sex outside their marriages?    I'm not as concerned with all the singles out there who are looking to hook up with anybody (married or not).   But the partners who take the vows of matrimony and build the families seem  so willing to throw it all away.   Why is it so easy for them to turn their backs on their marriages?

It boggles the mind.

In my case, it was my ex-wife who found someone else while we were still married.  She thought she was being really secretive about it, and I was in love with her, so I never suspected.  Once she kicked me out of the house, I got a wake-up call.  I found her MySpace page, her boyfriend's MySpace page, the phone records that showed all of their calls to each other (4 calls a day, every day for over a month?  I don't know anybody who calls their a friend that much!).  Anyway, it's not just men that can behave so disgustingly.  As some of the other posters have said, I've seen more women acting this way than men, too.

My ex-wife asked me a couple of months ago if I was ever going to get remarried.  I guess she was wondering because it's been 2 years, and I still haven't so much as gone out on a date yet.  I told her no, I've had enough of marriage.  She actually said, "I hope it wasn't because of me."  Ha!

not only who are they but what gives one the right to call and harrass the wife like the one mine is shacked up with....what did I do 2 her? she's the one sleeping with my husband and knows nothing about me or my life...

Low self esteem. My stbx told the ow that we were separated but still living in the same house. Red flag number 1. He didnt bring her to the house that I know of. They screwed in his work van over his lunch hour. Red flag number 2. He wasnt with her over the weekends Red flag number 3. The night he went to jail for beating me up. I sent her a text told her for 5 grand he was hers forever. That was the bail to get him out of jail. Then she was driving past my house spying on the house for him. Red flag 4. Then they broke up from what I heard. He responded in my filing for divorce that he felt the marriage could be saved by counseling??! Wtf? uh no. I didnt respond. Then 2 months later moved her in. She thought she won the prize...she posted head shots of herself in different parts of my old  house. Yeaah she won the prize allright. But after she got out of jail the 2nd time for beating him up. She told my ex sis in law, well what was I supposed to do? I had feelings for him by then. This was from my sis in law talking to her about it and that it was for the best as I am much happier now!!  

But back to the ow's comment OMG could she be any more pathetic?   I do not classify her in the same category as a woman. Where did this ow think this relationship was going to go?  He lied to her, he cheated on his wife to be with her? Beat up his wife and went to jail?
Apparently she isnt very smart after all....cuz now they are broken up, becuase she went to jail again for assaulting him. Now she is in jail for a year. The ow was unemployed and is an alcoholic. In my case, lots of karma came back and bit them both in the butt.
To answer your question.  My situation, they were both very stupid and deserved how it turned out. But there are ow out there that get lied to. 
I do want to recommend a book for you to read. Its called Not just friends. Very good book...also First Aid for the betrayed...another good book.

I don't understand, I've always seen it the other way around. My perception is a girl can drop her pants and get every guy in the area to run over there. A guy on the other hand could swing it around like a lasso but wouldn't get any looks till a big wallet filled with green falls out of his pocket. Sorry everyone is a gold digger in my area.
I don't have an answer for peoples terrible actions either. Possibly some sort of self fulfillment, that they "helped" someone in a time of need. Best of luck, and don't get yourself down because others can't behave themselves, it is not your fault.

I think that it's not completely accurate to say that these men find all these women who are willing to be with married men.  I know for a fact that the woman my husband is having an affair with is completely in the dark about him.  He told her that we are already divorced and have been for years!  He has made it seem to her as though he was already a free man.  I don't really know how he will explain things now that we will be going through the divorce for real.  Like how will he explain the fact that he suddenly has no money to spend to be able to fly to see her?  And how will he explain the child support, alimony and other expenses that will be mandatory and taken from his paycheck?  Doesn't seem like the relationship will be able to get very far when he has lied to her from the beginning.  I actually feel a little bit sorry for her because she just doesn't have a chance!

Let's see how this excuse that 'she/he didn't give the spouse what they needed'. Hmnn. So now I have to make sure I cater to HIS needs so he won't find someone else? What is wrong with this picture?

Do I also have to make sure I'm nice so someone won't hit me? Oh, yeah. That was my marriage.

Lisa, what a perfect response.  Talk about summing up not only my relationship for the past several years with my ex, but also the relationships he seems to keep repeating during several affairs, including the current one.  It makes me sad for the love we once shared, that he doesn't get it.  It's like that quote about those who don't learn from history are destined to repeat it.  He's stuck, but I don't have to be.

Starling... You hit the nail right on the head... codependent people need someone to caretake to fill the void they feel in their lives.  They are attracted to dysfunctional needy people  who generally have serious self esteem issues.

It is not uncommon for these people to also fear intimacy.  It is unlikely that real intimacy will develop within an affair.  The participants are too busy taking their pants off to really share anything serious about each others issues.  

Oftentimes one is attracted to the other because of need/caretaking.  But if and when the affair turns into a real relationship requiring true committment and effort...  these same participants RUN like the wind.  That is not what they beleive they signed up for.  To quote one client...

"If I wanted problems and issues I could have stayed with my wife/husband!!" 

Alternatively, when need/caretaker hook up in a relationship eventually the needy person begins to resent the caretaker...  "I don't need another Mother!" and the caretaker becomes resentful too... "Look at all I have done for you.  You should be grateful!"  

my husband was "stolen" by a 17yr old child! he's 48! its hysterical. they are both ridiculous. i don't know who is sicker him or her but i have no doubts that what comes around goes around! just look at it that way. any women who goes after a man who is married is slime and deserves whatever she gets. i never did, nor ever will be with a married man! first off that is a huge turn-off to me! nothing is more sexy than a faithful man-nothing!

I have to go along with Capricorn on this one, sort of.  There are lots of codependent women who need to nurture a dysfunctional & depressed man in order to feel good about themselves.  My STBX is "with" a woman who HE described as looking like a troll, has the mouth of a sailor, dresses like a man (looks like a lesbian), doesn't have a job, and has three unruly kids.  She divorced her university professor husband after 24 years so that she could be with my  husband.  She carried on an affair with my STBX for 6 years while she was married.  She is very insecure and needs somebody to be a "mommy" to and my STBX needs a "mommy".    This woman is probably one of the least attractive women I have ever seen.  Her favorite words are "what the f---" and "sh--"  AND she is $50K in debt from her divorce. She is definitely no "prize", but my STBX has such low self-esteem.  All it takes is for him to poor out his little "heart" to a woman with poor self-esteem and they are "soulmates"...yuck!!  He tells her she is as gorgeous as the moon (ugh!) and she tells him he is the best dad (HAHAHA!!).  They stroke each other's ego....but they are only fooling themselves and each other.  I imagine he told her what a "terrible" wife I have been.  I only wish she could hear the disrespectful things he has said about her!! The way I figure it, they deserve each other!!  These "lonely" women need to leave the married men alone and find happiness in being single so that they can attract confident, SINGLE men.

I always thought there was a silent rule that women don't seek out married men, kinda a respect thing, he's taken, back off. But times have changed and women/people are selfish and don't care. Morals and values in todays society have wained. Its a free for all, everyone is fair game. I guess you don't know what you had til its gone or someone snatches it.
Also, there is that men pour out how awful their marriage is and how terrible it all is and its the nature of the beast(woman) to fix it, help them, not realizing the motive really is to change them. Then poof, after all the temptations offered, the weak man, forgetting all vows and the mess it will create, the therapy the kids will go thru, he is gone. and the woman feels justified. She saved him.....but its purely selfish.

Some women (and men) like the challenge of what is forbidden.  In their own minds, they can always justify their own actions.  I suspect that these types are shocked if their 'prize' cheats with someone else, after they've won him or her.  Of course, for these types of morally bankrupt individuals, the chase is everything.  Once they've won, they no longer want what they have.  Mr. X's current gf, if you can call her that, had him move out after only a few months--told him that her friends and shrink say they 'moved too fast.'  Let's see:  They met ONCE in person for sex, but otherwise only knew each other online.  YOU THINK?  Don't think I blame her for everything, as he certainly sought the relationship, but she pushed him to leave me, helped him get the papers before he even told me he wanted to leave, all the while knowing that he was married.  Yes, I'm better off without such a jerk, but I don't have any good feeling for her, either.  In fact, I want to tell her that she must keep him!  She wanted him.  She got him, so now, she must keep him, warts and all.  Karma is paying him.  I hope it knocks on her door, as well.

Sorry, I gave the whole story in another post, so you would not have seen it all.

Bowling Man:
Thank you for your response, but if you read my thing, you will see that he only looked terrible and depressed after a month being gone.  He didn't start with her for months, so it was not while we were together, it was while he was doing therapy for his Bipolar disorder.  He had 20 + years before I met along with his seizure disorder.  I never turned him away while we were married.  It was while we were separated after many months and I suspected there might be someone else.  He was always attractive in the physical sense to me; even during all his 35 GM seizures.  I truly, deeply loved him.  I still do, but he has crossed a line.  He stay mania free for all the years of our marriage and his diagnosis from many years before me was shock.  I was merely describing him not shaving, not washing, not taking care of himself after almost 6 weeks gone.

I have not been in that situation, so I can only guess. I suspect that a chunk of the woman population are players just like a lot of men. If fact, I will venture to say that she chased your husband precisely because he is married: she probably guessed that he has experience in sex, that he is not going to stick to her like glue since he has a household to go to, he can read the signals without forcing her to spell them out, and that the possibility of getting caught, added spice to the relationship. That's my guess.

I've read where women find men more attractive who are married because they know they're safe (no STD's!). And if they don't want a commitment, long marriages tend to fester a thrive of wanting some outside excitement without the commitment also. So both are gratified on two important spectrums. And it's not just single women who have affairs, it's married women also that do this and men alike. All guilty of breaking the sacred vows. My take, separation or divorce do not leave a void. Maybe people equate the act (sex) with love too much. Sex will not fill you where the love was but is gone. And now because I love my children, my vow is to not complicate the matter more on whether I really loved their mommy. I did! She was irreplaceable. But she made a mistake that was promised never to let happen. I know she's sorry. But if you just put someone else in and give them the title, it's not the same. They have 1 mommy and 1 daddy, and we owe them that still. IF someone ever comes along (I'm not looking either) and it naturally happens, I would keep it separate from my kids. Why? They need to see a commitment means exactly that-so do screw it up! Besides, I still see her and were committed to them now. Sometimes we do things together. But it's important not to make it WORSE than it is! But that's just me....

It's that temptation of forbidden fruit.  It's great if they are attached to someone.  The minute they are free- they are dropped like hot rocks.

Fundamentally I believe it stems from the fact that most women want to find someone who has a history of committment to another and the inate need/want to nurture a man's soul.  The combination is deadly for sleeping with a married man as he fits the bill on both ends.  First, he obviously has shown committment even though he eventually will violate that committment, but as most women think "he will change and that will never happen to me if we end up together."  Second, women are an amazing group as they have the ability to nuture and heal a persons concerns.  There is something remarkable about simply laying your head on the bossom of a woman who cares for you and just getting comfort in a blissful and sublime manner.  A man who happens to be upset with his mariage  makes his situation out to be one of complete despair and paints himself as a person in need of soul soothing.  Enter the other woman to put a salve on the wound. 

In the end the ability to seemingly solve ones problem and make them better gives the woman purpose and fulfillment.  They have filled this inate need to cure someone.  Its a viscious cycle because it leads to divorce.  Sad isn't it.

"To you he "looked terrible and was depressed." Apparently this woman thought otherwise. I think you answered your own question there--you didn't find him attractive and weren't giving him what he needed, some other woman did."

I'd like to point out the flaw here in Bowling Man's logic.  Under his assumption, all men need need sex with lowlife sluts in addition to a regular, loving partner (like you).  Maybe Bowling Man needs to pick up casual encounters in rape chat rooms, but normal, well-adjusted, men with souls don't.

Some of us have souls and consciences.  Many of us lose our souls and become dead inside and need to fill up the space with empty sexual encounters.  That applies to men and women.  People like our ex's have lost their souls and their humanness.  They are broken people, unable to make deep emotional connections with others. 

Sorry to hear about that. I went thru the same thing, and wish he wouldve left sooner. They are both to blame and are both extremely immoral and have no self esteem! My stbx tried to blame me for his depression, even after I tried to get him out of it, by asking him to do everything and anything with the kids and me. Mine I think has always wanted to be #1 not our kids, pretty selfish. I told his gf and him, I'm glad they have eachother! She's been married 3 times!!  We were together 24 years as well, and she new it!! I'm a stronger person now after a year of hell, and happy to be just with my kids.  Those kind of women and men deserve eachother. They always think the grass is always greener on the other side, they will find out sooner or later, could be 10 yrs, i dont know, but i always feel "What comes around goes around"  I hope you get thru this horrible time, just believe in yourself and know that you deserve way better.  Peace.

Before we were married, we ( or so I thought) were in a very COMMITTED relationship. We talked about getting married after I graduated from Grad school and would move to where he lived ( in another state). While I was tackling research and statistics, he was hitting the chatrooms for a little action. I wasn't sure what he was doing at the time, but I had my suspicions. I'd spend every break from school with him, traveling hundreds of miles. I sometimes got hit on, and although flattered, I never crossed any lines.
He found this little gem in a RAPE chatroom. Can you believe it? Her defense was that she thought it was a rape support chatroom ( I talked to her once and she told me how they met). They communicated via emails and phone calls for about a week. Then they met at some cheap motel between where they both lived ( they were from different states too). The night they met up at the motel they went for dinner then back to the room. Yes, they engaged in sex that night.......sounds like true love to me!!
She admitted to me that she saw my phone number on his cell ( which is how she tracked him down when he came up here to see me) and on his home phone. He gave her some lame excuse about 'my needing someone's shoulder to cry on because of family problems' and the bimbo bought it!
Women like that have really low self esteem, I mean, she knew about me and still went for it. What blows me away was that he said some pretty awful things about her when he was explaining to me about her. And yet, the bimbo took him back......go figure. She is to stupid to realize he will do to her what he did to me.

To you he "looked terrible and was depressed." Apparently this woman thought otherwise. I think you answered your own question there--you didn't find him attractive and weren't giving him what he needed, some other woman did.

Not blaming you, but you answered your own  question.

That is the same question I have asked myself (being a woman) and have asked other woman.  All do not understand the motivation or reasoning either.  I have been approached by men and do not believe I threw out any signals.  That is just not me.  Maybe some are more inclined to do this..I do not know.  I cannot comprehend my stbx's girlfriend, she knows we have been married for 24 years, have two children in college with both promising careers and still proceeds to meet with him.  She is currently married to her second husband and has a son as old as mine.  And feels that she is not destroying two families??  I cannot rationalize this at all.  But, my beliefs will bring me thru this...the majority of woman and men would not do this...they have a conscience.  I am glad to be part of that majority who are faithful and supportive and remembers how much the person means and everything built together was thru ups, downs pain and joy.  Stand by me and I will stand by you, together we can make it.  The cheaters do not want to deal with it, but, want to build the castle and not face everything in between.  Love conquests, winning who knows???  The true will come thru..unscathed...but stronger with their beliefs.  Be happy that you are not one of those woman...I am!!!