How do I move on? I still love him.

Words of encouragement someone gave to me:

Insecurity is a cop out- Think positive of yourself anger and revenge is a waste of energy.  He is not worth it. 

His life is much worse than yours-look at the him and the beauty he's latched on to.

Get over it or you'll never move on.

When I get sad or think about my ex I ready this over and over to myself and it helps me.

I feel so sorry for you.  Let me tell you something weight does not matter at all.  My ex left me for a 300 pound woman and I only weigh 124 pounds.  It was never about my weight with him it was about responsibility and the fact that I have MS.  For the first time, if my MS got worse the bread earner might not be able to keep him in the life style I provided for our family.

 

Talk baby steps that is what I do.  I see a counselor and pyschiatrist and it helps. 

There is someone for everyone out there believe me. 

A few respondants mention that they are overweight as well. I too was overweight when my STBX left me for a skinny little thing. My weight was always a problem for him. Even at my skinniest (135 lbs) he told me I'd be perfect if I lost 5 more lbs. I can't get below 135...I'm too tall and it's not healthy for me. So those comments he always made about my weight actually ended up lowering my self esteem. I'd end up eating ice cream while watching TV at night.

I lost a ton of weight through the stress of the divorce, affair, etc. After losing the weight I looked and felt great. I realize that he was the reason I was overweight.

Unfortunately I have to share my son with him. On a positive side it gives me time to work out and try to stay healthy. Carrying around all that extra weight was exhausting.

My STBX was an avid gamer so he sat on the sofa a lot. Now I can go out and do whatever I want and it will keep me healthy.

Try to look for the positives that will make YOUR life better. The healthier you get the better you will feel physically and emotionally. It is EXTREMELY hard I know. But then again is anything harder than what you are going through right now?

I hope this helps. I'd love to see you figure out what kind of changes you can make in your life to make yourself happier than you've ever been. You definitely are not alone.

Also, my STBX bankrupted me, lost our home, cost me my retirement. I can't afford therapy either. I think this site is better than a therapist...but that's just my opinion. Everyone is different.

Angel, I hear your pain and am so sorry you have to endure this.    

Lisa posted some excellent advice and insight (as usual) and you should consider it.

As for therepy, every state has social services designed to help you when your financial situation is strained.    There are therepists who work on sliding scales (and even for free), there are community outreach programs as well if transportation is an issue.  

There are also many DivorceCare type programs offered through churchs and community non-profits that are designed to provide support and social intereaction for those people in similar positions.   These are available in all areas of the country so please don't give up.

Finally, designing a plan of recovery starts with you.   Make your plan simple at first but make sure you do something for yourself every single day.   The benefit is not so much in the end result as much as in the action itself.    You need to show yourself care and love and others will follow.    Take the action and soon you'll be feeling the confidence to add more to your list.

I wish you luck in overcoming this horrible time.     You are not alone.

Lisa - Thank you so much for your help.  I was in therapy but my copay went up to $40 and I just cannot afford it.  I live on Soc Security Disability and have a 17 year old son.  Your help is so greatly appreciated and made so much sense to me.

Thank you for taking the time to help me with this.  You are an Angel!

I am in complete awe and gratefulness for all the wonderful answers and support all of you have given me.  Each and every post has given me glimpses into what I need to do and God Bless you all for them.

I will save all of these and continue to read them so when I am so down I can't get up, I will know there are strategies and people out there who cared enough to take their time to respond to my crisis.

Again, thank you all and God Bless!!!

You sound like me. I was completely happy
6 months ago and my husband just didn't come home from a trip. Have had 2 e/m's in all this time and all weekend I was getting messages on Facebook from a woman in Ohio telling how much he hated me and how happy he is now, said she was gonna hire a lawyer for him to divorce me. According to this woman he is totally happy and has no plans of coming back here. And here I sit, he left me without a vehicle, I wasn't working because he was doing really well. Well it's hard to find a job when you have no money, no car, a 2 y/o.....and you live 25 miles from town. Throw in a brokenheart and endless tears and depression, I'm just stuck. It's time to move on and I don't know how. I still miss him, I still love him, I still cry for him, it seems like everything I do reminds me of something and seems like its all I think about...now I have this woman to remind me. I've been in pajamas and barefoot more in the past 6 months than I think is legal. Anyway just wanted to let you know your not the only one....I know how bad it hurts.  Tammy

I am deeply saddened to read such a tragic post as this. I too was cheated on thrown under the bus. I weigh 297 lbs and I am 6'3". I have a weight problem. I too have not been able to lose that yet. I have a 12 and a 3 yr old child. My 12 lives with me full time. I felt the same way that no woman would want a fat old man with two children and one who struggles with anger and bitterness to his mother. It depressed me greatly.

Fortunately, I decided to take a step back and enjoy me. I mean I bought myself things. Nothing extravagant as taking care of two children tends to keep the old finances strained. I mean I bought myself new drawers, socks, things that I put on the back burner. Hell I even wear house shoes now. :D I decided to enjoy me and learn to like me. I am fat tired and decrepid But I Feel Good. You need to do that. I have no idea about your struggle with your disability but I know when you decide to like yourself and accept yourself others will to. I hope this doesn't sound to trivial but it did make me feel better with new sheets and new jammies and all those little things. So learn to love yourself and when you do that with a good counselor in tow you will be the victor and not the victim that you so rightly  need to be. Good luck and God Bless.

Like others who have responded to your plea for help, first, find a counselor.  This will help you more than you will know.

Next, please understand that not only are you not alone, others have also been thrust into the same pit.  When my husband of 36 years left me, I was morbidly obese and also suffer from rheumatoid arthritis.  He told me that my symptoms were just a play to get attention--that there is really nothing wrong with me.  Since he left, I've lost over 100 lbs., which has had the added benefit of not only helping me to feel better about myself, but also has improved the arthritis symptoms.

If you cannot work, you should be getting some sort of disability.  If you are disabled, but can work, there are a lot of agencies which will help you get training because of your disability. 

Finally, you are not alone.  Lots of us have also been in the pit.  We extend hands to you to help you see that there is light.  There is hope.  There is a future for you that is even brighter than you envision because you won't be sharing it with someone who treated you so badly.

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.  I am in the same place except that my husband of 18 years left me only about three months ago.  We have four young daughters.  It's hard, very hard, to get yourself to focus on something else.  I struggle every single day.  I read a book called "Storms Can't Hurt the Sky" and it is about using some Buddhist techniques to help retrain the way you think.  This in turn helps change the way you actually feel.  I try each day to focus only on just that day.  Thinking too far into the future creates too many fears. 

For me, my daughters help keep me going and give me strength.  After all, I am their role model and I have to go above and beyond in this since my husband's behaviour is so devastating to them as well. 

I know it hurts so very much.  I know you feel lost, confused, and out of sorts.  I know you feel as though the world is suddenly a place in which you are on the outside looking in.  I feel all of those things.  But each day that I wake up and go about my life is another day that I am closer to getting to a place of peace. 

Good luck to you and my heart goes out to you.

Hi Devastated,

Peace and blessings to you!  You are not alone.  I have been devastated as well as you and many others. It's a rough ride but things will begin to smooth out as you turn to the reality of your situation.  Love shouldn't hurt but it does.  Allow the hurt and pain to come out as it is a healing process.  Cry if you need to cry, be angry if you need to be angry.  Let it all out so that the pain will be released.  Journal, change your thinking and your behaviors, exercise, talk about it but don't let it be your daily conversation, there are too many other things to talk about that are note worthy. 
Apparently he was not and is not worthy of your devoted love!  That's his loss.  Although you have loss, but you have also gained.  You have gained your independence and a better life ahead.  Get therapy, this helps you talk about your pain and gain techniques to process what has happened to you.  Love yourself so that you will be able to love someone else in the future.  Take care of yourself, it is the most important thing you can do.  Depression further depletes you and robs you of energy and self-worth.  Think positive thoughts, this is so important to your emotional and mental health.  Hang in there, life gets better along the way. 

When we are in a process, we cannot get out of it or over it but it will soon end for you.  It gets better as you go through it but you must go through it for your own mental health.  Get out, get busy, get started!  Length of years don't amount to anything especially if those years were empty and filled with lies.  You've given him your love, mind and a chance over and over again, now give yourself a chance at loving yourself and being happy, finally!  You deserve it.  Life is worth living in spite of the pain that we face daily.  Trials and tribulations make us stronger, take yours and run like the wind and soon you'll be flying.  God bless you and keep you through all that you face ahead.  Be well and take care!

You are not giving yourself the credit you deserve.  Did the ex desire you?  guess what there are others that will too.   This whole one chance at love deal has got to go away.  We may have been left behind by someone that thought they could do better, but guess what?  Ok I will help you, they couldn't do better and know it whether they admit or not.  You will do well, just hold onto hope, the past is what it was, tomorrow is a brand new day.  Be well.

Sorry...  it cut me off...

After you read it let me know what you think.

Best -
Lisa

" I am stuck in this dark pit where there is nothing but pain, loneliness and no hope for the future.  I am overweight and disabled so I dont think anyone will ever want me. He was my world and my "essential person". "

HI DevAngel -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360.  I am so sorry for your loss and the ensuing heartbreak it has caused you. 

You have received some excellent advice from the folks here already.  Beginning the process of self care is not easy when you are depressed, but it is essential.  In the beginning it will seem like you can barely take a shower and get yourself dressed before becoming exhausted, but as time progresses and you begin to do more for yourself you will be able to accomplish more in each day. 

Self esteem is like a ladder.  At the moment you are at the bottom. You have the rungs ahead of you leading your way up out of the dark pit and back into the light.  If you look up the ladder it is dark and you can't see the opening at the top because the way is twisted and long.  But...  if you take one step at a time in faith beleiving that you will eventually get to the top...  one day you will begin to see the light and someday you will climb out of the pit and into the sunshine.
  
Each rung of the ladder is self care.  It begins at the bottom with the simplest of things... shower... dressing...  eating something healthy...  then progresses on to less simple tasks...  getting out of doors for 15 minutes to get some sun on your hands, arms and face (sufficient for a daily dose of vitamin D which helps combat depression) each day...  taking a 10 minute walk up and down your block... 

As you progress you will find your self esteem will move up a notch each time you take action.
Read the post I wrote... link attached below.
http://www.divorce360.com/blogs/2009/6/15/lisa_cannon/recovery-in-five-short-chapters-blog-24750

After you

i was in your shoes five years ago, i didn't think i had a chance for a future we had been married over 10 yrs, guess when he left i had no idenity. u have to recreate yourself, get some help through a divorce support group or christian counciling. now today i wish i had known all would be ok, because i wasted so much time being depressed over a man who wasn't worth one tear. things do turn out for the best and life goes on. i just made up my mind i was not going to let him ruin any future i might have with someone else. first i got myself back, regained my self worth, then the new life with the new husband began. but first i had to see the reality of who my ex really was, just a very small minded confused comprimized person with no morals, who in the end turned out to be his own worst enemy. today i have heard he no longer is with her, and that he didn;t end up treating her any better, and karma did come to him and the way he dealt it out to me is just the way he got it back.

i feel your pain. we all do, although everyone's situation is different. have you seen a consulor yet? that may help.i dont know what the situation is as far as your weight or disability but it sounds like thats more of a problem than losing this snake of a husband. perhaps there are things you can do to improve your life in those areas that would make you feel more optimistic. it sounds like your "love" for him is more based on fear and dependency than actually love and thats probably a good thing...for you! let him go and start focusing on yourself and how you can get yourself to a better place. there will be others who will come into your life, but only after you become the independent person that you are gonna have to force yourself to be. believe me i know how hard this divorce and betrayal situation is. it is stunning and disrupts ones security. unfortunately you cannot change another person's choices. everyone has free will and that includes people who just have no sense of allegiance to someone they've spent 20 yrs with. (Me and my stbx were together 20 also). i wish you the best and i hope you'll hang in there and find your way.

I, like everyone posting here, feel your pain. It is the worse thing to be betrayed by the one you love and give your life to. The awlful truth is, no one is immune to such pain. I remember when I was where you are. Everyone telling me I was better off, that there was a light at the end of the tunnel even if I couldn't catch a glimpse of it. Ultimately my family/friends forced an ' intervention' about my getting some counseling. Thank God they did.
Ruby2 is correct. You have to start out with just the simply things, getting out of bed, getting a shower, eating something. Even just go outside for 10 minutes, its still a step forward. My counselor worked with me on making little goals- making phone calls about divorce support group, then next step was to just get myself to the meetings. After a while it was to go to a gym and just do something. There is research that shows exercise helps lifts depression. Journaling is an effect tool also. Write whatever you want. After a while of journaling all the pain, I started a graditude journal. Even just one sentence about what I was grateful for helped, and it could be something so simple as " I woke up and heard the birds chirping outside.
I won't kid you, it took me a long time to get to a half way decent place where I could actually laugh about something. I am so much better now then I have been for years ( before I met the ex).
Take care and may God hold you close in his loving arms.

If you open your eyes you will see a faint light above that dark pit you are in.  That light is service to others.  There are so many hurting people who just need need the time and unconditional love of another person; someone like you who has time and unconditional love to give.  Look for opportunities to serve others.  It will give you a purpose and meaning in life, it will take your eyes off of yourself, it will lift your spirit, and a long the way you will become attractive to other people because of your love and selflessness.  Love will be returned to you tenfold and you will marvel how much more you have received than you have given.  Try it; what do you have to lose?

I'm so sorry for the place you are right now in your life.  The most important thing you can do for yourself is take care of YOU.  You have endured this for a third time; now it's time for you to move on with your life.  As difficult as today may be, the days can be better...I promise you that....but only you can make that happen.  It's sooo very hard to reposition the focus you placed on someone else for so long but it can be done.  For whatever reasons, we are alot of the time, our own worse critic.  It sounds like the first thing you need to do is quit being so hard on yourself (you're overweight and disabled) and tell yourself that you are worthy of a good life and then believe it.  I agree with the post saying to seek counseling; it's one of the best things you can ever do for yourself.  It will give you a different perspective on everything and will definitely make life more tolerable on even the most difficult of days.   The memories will always be there, some good, some bad......just know....you are the only one who can control whether or not you make new ones.  They're out there for the taking and YOU deserve them.  God Bless You Dear One.....

First, you have to survive.  Here is a simple list of things you need to do every day:
(1)  Get Up,  (2) Take a shower, (3) Fix your face, (4) Get dressed, (5) Eat something and (6) Get moving.  Until you are doing those six things consistently, you can move forward much farther.  After you are doing those things, get the resources you need.  I have a site www.MidlifeDivorceRecovery.com that has books and resources to step you through recovery and on to the life you desire and deserve.  Suzy Brown

Run don't walk to get therapy. Change your mindset. If someone asks you, "How are you doing?", tell them fantastic, even if you are lying. Eventually you won't be. Take the good advice from the other responses. Get out of the house, listen to music, do something that will get your blood moving. I am disabled and have returned to a fuller life since my wife chose drugs over me. I have realized that I am so much better with out her and that old friends have be returning to my life. Forget the bum, he isn't worth a thought and go out and recreate your life. This is your chance to be whatever you want to be.

Hi, your post touched my heart. I know how you must feel, my husband of 10 years left me recently. We had been together for 16 years and I had little to no family other than his. Our joint friends turned out to be mostly his friends. It's been 5 months now, and I am slowly finding my way. The loneliness in the beginning was debilitating, so I decided right away to sign up for therapy. It gave me a precise reason to get up and get moving 2 x a week. Then I decided to go back to school for my degree, more days out of the house and out in to the world. I joined a gym, Yet more days out....I made life busy so that I spent little time alone drowning in the pain. And it has gotten easier. I won't lie and say that I don't still miss him, that I don't still love him, but you know what? I started to love me again. I couldn't remember the last time that I did things just because I wanted to, just for me.

You need to make yourself your "essential person". Take the first step outside of isolation. It took a few months before I could start to see a life for myself without him in it. And it is soooo hard, but I get up every morning and I try. Some days I am more successful than others. I wish you well.

I'm so sorry your husband left-it is a painful and traumatic experience. Mine left me too. Everyone says to try to focus on yourself now, to work on your health, to rediscover who you are, build the life you want to lead...it is all true and it does work, but it takes a lot of time. I feel best about my situation when I just look straight ahead, don't look back. Don't let his selfish behavior rob you of one more minute of your life. A good friend told me that while this is hard and painful, don't see this as good or bad. It just is. This could be the best thing that ever happened to you. This could open you up to the life you're supposed to lead...and maybe the person you're supposed to be with. Seek counseling, reach out to friends, choose to end the suffering by letting go of the past and moving on with your new life. And, don't worry about your shape or abilities. Love yourself and others will love you too. Confidence is very attractive!

Hi I am Kevin.  I have hundreds of suggestions.  First and foremost, look after your health well.  Keep busy, so as not to think.  Listen to BACH on piano as it releases memories in a strange way it truely works.  See an attorney, as you are entitled to some form of support, this is MOST important as you will find that he will spend $ on his new love.  Don't talk to friends or family to much, as they get awfull tired of hearing about the misery.  Keep posting here, to me even, as I have one hell of a story, please read it.  Keep your self-esteem up as you are a fine woman who has fine qualities, NEVER forget this fact.  Life is beautifull and worth living.  I have found that when difficulties arise, so do opportunities.  If you have kids, keep them out of the loop, as they will come to their own conclusions as they age.  Success is never a result but a goal.  Our life is what our thoughts make it.  The way we handle our problems define who we are as persons.  Our life is what our thoughts make it.  So overall, these are very important lessons that I have learned.  You are in the process of making a new identity and it will be good, trust me.  You will be in for a rough ride for a time, but this is the drill in divorce.  Be well.