How to introduce the girlfriend to my child

While my ex. involved my daughter (now 7) in all his relationships right away, I waited to introduce my daughter to my (now )fiance until I knew he was the one.

My daughter built a strong bond with my ex's gf early on and then began trying to fix me up with our local Whole Foods Market checker (for some reason she thought this 22 year old guy was perfect for me lol).    When she insisted on us waiting in his line every week and asking him if was married or had a gf I got the hint.     When I talked to her about it she said she wanted me to have someone like her daddy had so I wouldn't be alone.   She then quizzed me on what I liked in a guy (she also had her eye on our gardener as a potential candidate).

I decided to use her interest in learning how to surf as the opening and introduced my then bf to her as a friend who could help her with surfing.    After some family outings to the beach she asked him to watch her soccer games and then invited him to her birthday party, etc.     I let her lead and get to know him on her terms.     Any anxiety she had about our life together always included him in some way.  As in, when we're on vacations what will he do without us?

We are now engaged and my daughter has her own relationship with my fiance and they now surf without me and he was the chaperon on her field trip (which hurt my feelings because I wanted to be asked but her little girlfriends are all crushing on him so I had to keep my disappointment to myself).

Anyway,  my advice would be to keep it casual (non-threatening) and let your daughter set the pace in the early stages.

Hi again,

I have a little more experience under my belt now and want to throw in another 2 cents worth. My kids knew my fiance as my friend for a few months before we got together. They all get along great...my son even introduces my fiance as his stepfather. My daughter relies on him for emotional support sometimes, and all three are affectionate with each other.

My ex, on the other hand, isn't having as good luck. Our kids, particularly our daughter, really haven't taken to anyone he's dated, and aren't happy about him dating in general.

I asked my daughter if it was easier for her to like and accept my fiance because he and I were friends first, and she said yes, definitely.

"Running into each other" in public here and there MAY be all it takes. But if it doesn't, you might come up with a way for your GF to be around you on a regular basis in some sort of friend or business capacity. My fiance and I are in a band together, and that's where we started out. My kids were exposed to him on a regular basis that way. Now I realize that that exact scenario probably wouldn't work for you, but if you and your GF have a lot of common interests you could probably come up with something similar. :)

I am back after some hectic weeks. I got caught up on the comments left after my last posting. I want to thank you all for such kind words of support. I haven't introduced my GF to my son yet. I think he knows I am involved and he does ask some feeler questions from time to time and I answer honestly every time. I only see her when I'm not with him. My GF is the most wonderful understanding person I have ever met and works her schedule around my Son's. I believe this will turn out great. Thanks again!!

If you are blessed to be a parent you should be more than willing to put your child's best interests ahead of your own -- at least until they are grown and self supporting. 

So always BE HONEST with your child.  And WAIT for your child to indicate that he or she is ready to meet your new partner. 

Divorce is a bad thing for children.  Sometimes (rarely) it is better than the alternative but it is always bad.

I think that perhaps we create an unbreakable bond with out partner when we have children together.  The bond endures.  When nutured that bond can fill life with joy or otherwise it can be a source of ongoing pain which endures (sometimes for a lifetime).  

My husband stayed in the home until our children were grown.  I tolerated his infidelity.  I though it out and realized that the type of women that he liked did not need to meet my children ever.  And that weekend visitation with him would be a nightmare for me and our children.  

Now we have been separated for years and our children have never met any of his girls (he has a new one about every 2 years).

So my kids and I are still a family.  And he has gone his own way.  Sometimes he comes to visit.  And sometimes he doesn't.  It is OK.

So let your child heal before you ask him or her to meet a new partner.  Some children are never ready.  Let it be whatever the child needs it to be.

 

You need to give your child time. Divorce is hard on kids also! Let him get used to the idea that mom and dad are not together.
I know that you want to introduce them- I know you want the gf to be a part of his life.But some of this has to happen when they are ready too! Take time to be with him/her( you didn't specify ) and continue to talk to him about it. Get him to some counseling- and the counselor needs to be able to help him prepare also!
Once all that is done then the introduction should be the easy part. Casual. In a public place and short. Not too much time. That should be the jist of it for a while.
Your child needs to know this person is not trying to take moms place but wants to get to know them.

You told me to take a long walk off a short peer. A comment like that is never warranted.

I see a lot of backpedaling going on here. At least now I recognize it. I think your original comments express how you truly feel.

I've dealt with someone like you for years. Oh, no, that isn't what I really said. I had to be straightforward to get you to see it. It worked. You attacked me. That's not disagreement, it's lashing out.

I don't have kids. The last time I checked kids were people too. It takes little effort to see that if you're going to have a loving relationship with anyone you have to discuss their concerns. You may then still make a decision that they don't like, but you do need to talk to them unless you want to destroy any future you have with them.

It's not all about you. Your attitude of that it's your way or the highway needs to change.

I don't know your whole situation but having gone through this myself, I can tell you my situation, if you gain something from it, great...
My children are teens. My ex left the marriage for another woman. I originally started dating my now boyfriend, but didn't say anything to my kids...My kids felt like I was hiding something from them and said they would rather know. So I told them I was seeing someone. I told them that they were not required to like this person, he was not a replacement for their dad or anything like that, he was simply someone I was seeing. I told them that I had the right to choose my own friends and they had the right to choose to like them or not like them. The only requirement I had was that they be respectful like they would to any other adult. I told them that I love them more than anything but I was the adult and I would not allow them to dictate my choices for me. I do not choose their friends, they are not going to choose mine. I do make my opinion known if I don't like a friend of theirs but I do not forbid them to see them. My children are old enough, they have to learn some things for themselves. My daughter now loves my boyfriend. They have a great relationship. My son is a little standoffish and while I don't think he dislikes my boyfriend, he doesn't like it relationship. When I ask him about it, he denies it but I can tell with his attitude sometimes. My son will be 16 in a couple of months so it is hard to tell what is normal teen and what is having a hard time with the situation. I am not saying don't take your child's feelings into consideration, but I am saying do not let the child dictate your life to you. I realize my opinion may not be popular but it is just that, my opinion based off my experience. Good luck.

KHJP, the responses you received were generated based on the way you expressed your issue. You did come through as insensitive to your kid's emotional needs, my way or highway kind of mentality. Now, that you elaborated a bit more and I got a chance to get to know you a bit better, I see you are honestly concerned. I am sorry if I came off too harsh. I though still insist that for me personally nobody nor anything is worth loosing my children's dedication, emotional comfort, love, and so on, or putting them in situation in which they specifically requested not to be put in. I do love the 'incidental bumping' idea and I actually used that with my middle child, but then, he never expressed any hesitation to my posibble dating.Listen, we all are fighting demons of fallen relationships here and lots of us fight nail and tooth for our kids in order to protect them from bad choices we or our spouses made.Do we cater to our kids too much? Perhaps we do but we need not forget that specifically here, we are not talking about mommy and daddy making time for each other, we are talking about kids whose lives are being torn apart and turned upside down. IMHO, they deserve to be tended to with extra sensitivity and extra care and if that means I need to put my desires on hold, well, that's alright with me. Yes, kids will be out of the house and gone before we know it, and if that is what it takes to make them emotionally sturdy, hell, you bet I will wait till then to tend to my needs. But that's me, I'm not judging, just saying there are different approaches. You alone must decide what makes You comfortable.
Good luck. Honestly. Take care, k?

You know there will issues, boys love with their mother's and as the group said you are the adult. Unfortunately, we are part of this group because we are facing the same issues; divorce is a difficult process for the involve parties and mostly for children, take it easy and listen to verbal statements your kid makes when is with you, but also pay attention to the hidden clues, they maybe more revealing and they could help you find out how much your son is hurting just to hear about your new GF. I love the "pumpkin patch trick" for those ready for the dating game. I know you want support and understanding from this group; just remember, we are inthe same boat and we could be judgmental.  We all have  ex or soon to be ex who will plant ideas in the impresionable minds of kids. Use caution, a trustworthy parent is the most value asset for a kid.

HI KHJP -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360.  I have read over your question and the answers you got from the folks on this site.  Some of the answers may have seemed a bit raw to you, but try to understand that these folks have been betrayed and some feel incredible pain on a daily basis.  They all really mean to be helpful, even if it doesn't come out that way. 

I noticed JMeredithNY recommended you to read a blog I wrote relevant to this topic.  I gather you are new to the site and may not know how to find the blog, so here is the link.  

http://www.divorce360.com/blogs/2009/9/25/lisa_cannon/parents-step-parents-and-childrens-needs-blog-26916

I would like very much to hear  back from you after you read it.  I would like to be more specific to your situation, but I don't have enought information. 

Thus far I have learned that you are the Dad of a very bright, logical, attached 11 year old son.  That is wonderful.  I have also read that you are a planner and would like some guidance as to when and how to make the introduction. 

I will be happy to help.  Please fill in some details for me: 

How long have you been divorced?
Does your son live primarily with you?
How long have your and your former/current partner been together since you reunited?
Have you or your son received any counseling since the split with his mother?
Are you pretty sure that this woman is going to be a permanent committed relationship for you, and have you and she discussed this fact?

I am not trying to be nosey, but if you would like a real assessment, I do need some further facts.  If you would like you can email me directly rather than post the information publicly on this forum.  That is fine with me, just let me know.

Hope this helps. 
Best -
Lisa

Please read Lisa Cannon's blog about this topic.  It is very wise indeed...children need an incredible amount of time to be able to process all that has happened and is happening.  I know from experience with my own childhood and multiple step-parents.  It might feel hard, but as parents we really have to put our children first in this instance.

I don't think you should totally force the issue, but your child does need to understand that your life does not stop because he is upset. 

In a way, we DO cater to kids too much.  Have you seen how many TV channels alone we have dedicated just to kids' programming?  How many families' schedules revolve around all the childrens' activities.  Before anyone says anything- I have 3 kids of my own.  I adore my kids.  THey are my heart.  But, as some point, my kids are going to be out of the house and I'll be without them on a day to day basis.

I read somewhere that many people do put their kids first so often that when Johnny or Janie goes off to college, Mom and Dad don't know how to relate to one another.  My point being, at some point in time, you have to not let the kid run your life.  But, you can't totally ignore the kid's fellings, either.

As parents, we walk a very fine line in regards to our children.  We don't want to alienate them, but we don't want to cater to their every whim, either.  Sometimes, the kids know that they can control us.  You have to decide how to proceed.

I strongly disagree with meeting the kids only when you're on the verge of getting married. Not only will they feel completely left out of your life, you can't know what kind of step-parent your significant other will be if they don't get to know your kids along the way. Even then, people can fool you though. I know plenty of people who seemed to get along great with their significant other's kid(s) until they got married. Then all pretense went down the toilet.

Sometimes that's not intentional. Sometimes the kid absolutely refuses to accept someone else and the significant other eventually can't help but respond in kind.

I still think the "pumpkin patch" idea is a fantastic idea and very non-threatening.

Dad,

I'm sorry, you have a son! I thought you had a daughter. My bad.

Boy, you are getting hammered here!!!!  Whatever decision you make, tread slowly.  If you are a planner then you are definetly trying to take your son's feelings into account.  But I have to also agree with Rockstar, you are the adult here, not your son. 

I wish you luck and hopefully you will find an answer or some help in how to handle this very delicate situation.

Bluebird, of course I don't agree with you. you said "You have already demonstrated that you have zero concern for your child. 'i'm going to be getting a girlfriend so get ready for it?' Please. Your child isn't important to you at all." I don't have introduce them now. I'm a planner. It took me months get get moved out. Your comments above are ignorant and the fact that your not a parent leads me to wonder why you responded. I just wanted some ideas because I will have to do this at some point. I just don't know when the right time is or how to do it. I never thought this would happen to me.

Ultimately every child is different. They all handle things differently. Sounds to me like your son has some insecurities about his position in your life. Even if you tell him he's the most important person to you he still may need some more time.

I think that if you spend lots of quality time with him and have lots of talks you'll eventually find out exactly what his fears/concerns are and then you can figure out a way to ease them for him.

It would be great if before long he was bugging you to get a life and date!

If you care about your child, you don't respond with I'm going to to it anyway and get ready for it. You talk to him and see what his concerns are. You take him to therapy perhaps. You listen to what he has to say. Maybe it's too soon for him. Maybe it's his mother's attitude. If you care, you listen. Clearly you aren't listening.

Why do you need to introduce them right now? I don't have kids. I've dated men who do. Until I'm ready to marry someone, I don't meet the kids. It's too hard on them to have many mother replacements in and out of their lives.

Your response to me to take a short walk off a long peer is indicative of the attitude you have toward anyone who disagrees with you. You don't listen and try to understand. You are right, anyone who disagrees is wrong, and to hell with the consequences.

Since this is the same attitude you demonstrated in your original comments regarding your child, I'd say that this is the core of the problem. You don't listen to him. You made your decision and by golly he'd better agree or else.

I'm not saying you don't love your son...I know you do.  And I know that eventually, he will have to accept that Daddy is dating again.  But it may be too soon, and that's the point.  He may be logical for 11, but he's still 11.  He is still dealing with the trauma of divorce, and he's angry.  This is normal for a child...he does not want to see his mother replaced.  How long ago was your divorce finalized?

You don't have to give up your gf...but you DO have to be cautious about when and how you introduce him.  There's going to be a myriad of emotions going through him, and if he's not ready to deal with it, and you force him before he's ready, he will resent you for it...for a long time.  Get him into therapy to help him deal with some of his anger issues about the divorce.  It will take some time, but you should probably go at his pace for a little bit.  Talk to his therapist about timing, keep talking to him about how he feels, and respect his wishes.  As someone pointed out, you are the adult, and you will have to make the decision at some point. 

Unfortunately, it's kind of like taking away the security blanket...too soon, traumatic.  Let him keep it too long, he suffers the merciless teasing of other kids for keeping it too long, also traumatic.  Sometimes, you have to be the one to give him a push...but be careful about how hard you push and when.  That's the situation you're at now, I'd say it's probably too soon.  Be patient and take your cues from him.  You know him better than anyone here.  Just be sure to keep talking to him and guage how ready he is.

I disagree that people replied to you with bitterness. I think many of us simply replied with the child in mind.  And I wholeheartedly disagree that as a society we cater to kids too much.  Adults are usually the selfish ones, who create situations that then tear families apart. A child has absolutely no control over the actions of the adults, yet usually has to pay the heaviest price when a marriage breaks apart.  Whether it be a case of adultery, lying, no communication, whatever breaks up any particular marriage - the children are the ones who pay the most.

You are the best judge as to your child's needs, ultimately, since no one here know you, your ex, your child and your gf personally.  You've gotten some great advice as to how to proceed, and perhaps sitting down with your child and talking to him regarding his strong feelings would be a good start. From there you would be better able to gauge the source of such strong feelings, or even if they are as strong as originally presented.

Again, good luck with whatever you decide.

LMAO!!!

And again...

LMAO!!!

SHE promised never to remarry? Yeah riiiiight.

She's just trying to make you out to be the bad guy. I'm sure I don't have to tell you this. That's kind of a hard one, because you can't really say "Mom was lying and just telling you what you want to hear" with no proof. But proof WILL come my friend...please let us know when it does.

When I have problems with my kids and they don't understand why I've done something, and explaining it doesn't help...I just tell myself that some day they will. When THEY are adults and have had some experience and maturity. That's cold comfort, but it's true.

I'm sorry your ex is playing dirty. It will come back on her. It might take some time, but it will.

I've never subscribed to the "kids are resilient and get over things quick" crap, and while I do think they do need to be handled a certain way during and after a divorce, I also think that we as a society cater to them waaaaaay too much. Our kids should not be allowed to dictate anything in an adult life. Romantic relationships are a big part of being an adult, just like our jobs. How many of you have turned down a job in another city or state because your kid got upset and didn't want it? This really isn't any different. Pre-adolescent/adolescent kids are bundles of pure emotion. Everyone needs to take that into account.

The fact is...you can't live your life according to what other people want, and how they want you to live it. Not your mother, not your sister, not your spouse, and especially not your kid, who doesn't understand what adult lives and feelings are like. Kids' feeling tend to be temporary--a natural part of growing up--and your son will no doubt be amazed at his own words 5 years from now.

Your ex may be feeding him a load of crap too. If you suspect that, you should just ask him if she's said anything to make him doubt his place in your life if you have a girlfriend. If she is, you deserve a chance to counter it with the truth.

**BACK GROUND** For years I told my Son that I would never divorce. But it happened. He reminded me of that a couple weeks ago. So when he wanted me to promise I would never re-marry because his mother promised that she wouldn't. ( I refused to be cornered like that again.) I told him that I couldn't promise that and that in fact I said that I knew I would re-marry because I like and respect women to much not to and what his mother promised is her own decision. I then repeated that he was my #1 priority and my decision to want another wife doesn't change my feelings for him because I will be his Dad forever.

Finally some one who has ideas and cares without being judgemental. Bluebird, take a long walk off a really short peer. First, My Son is 11 and very logical for his age and doesn't play games. Straight talk is something he likes as do I. I love him more than anything and thats why I divorced his unloving, lieing, and mean mother. And I feel sorry for some you negative idiots, but I found true love and I'll be damned if I'm giving it up again. (we dated 20+ yrs ago) For those who think I don't love my Son or think about his feelings, bite me! That's why I joined this fourm and asked for help. Just to slam me shows your own bitterness. So, keep that crap to yourself. For those who were respectful, a sincere thank you! I really like the "Dad's friend" and the "pumpkin patch" idea. VERY HELPFUL!

In response to Viz and Mberry:

Excellent posts. Mberry's suggestions are really good. I'd proceed that way. And Viz, well said. :)