How can I get her back?

Ok, I might not be the best to answer your question, because I'm moving to Denmark with my kids, in big part due to how my divorce turned out. But I can tell you how I WOULD like for things to have gone down.
Originally I wanted for our two girls to live with me, every weekend he'd watch them while I'd work; every other weekend I'd pick them up after work, and the opposite weekend would be "his". I wanted b-day's, Christmases and all the other Holidays to just be celebrated wherever. If with me, he'd come over to our place, and if with him, we'd all come to his place. Ideally I would have been fine with him bringing a gf as long as it was a steady one, and I would have like to be able to bring a bf. I didn't want a gf to be a new "Mommy" for my kids, but realistically I KNOW the lady would have some part in their life, if they were to be with their Dad every weekend and she was there. And I don't want him anymore, so I can't expect him not to find some sorry fool who does ;o) I wanted us to be able to still be "cool" despite having gotten a divorce. Things didn't quite turn out that way, but that IS how I would have liked it.
I'm not sure you'll be benefiting your kids by refusing to let their mom's bf come to games and stuff; what if they move in together (don't know if they have), and the kids WANT him to be there and support them too?? I know it'll hurt your father-heart, but really....... kids can't be loved and supported too much, can they?

Thank you all for all your support and the wonderful suggestions. 100% of the responses urged me to move on. Well, I am on my way. I contacted a lawyer, who after looking at my financial situation, advised that I calm down, accept the situation and go for a mediated solution. We are meeting at the Lawyer's office on Friday.
I would like to ask for your input as to what to agree to. We have four kids; three girls 15, 13, 11; and a five year old boy. My thoughts are to continue to have joint birthday celebrations at neutral venues, split holidays; thanksgiving, christmas, new year, joint physical custody, and not to have her boyfriend at the kid's sporting functions. As Lawnguy stated, I will ask for a court mandated directive not to have her boyfriend around the kids; but how will that work after the divorce? Can I dictate how or whom she interacts with around the kids after divorce?
Your input will be valuable in preparation for Friday's mediation session.
Thanks,
Petit.

Honestly, I think the question should be: why do you WANT her back? If she has moved on, and is seeing another man, why keep fighting? I mean, we all know it takes two to have a marriage, and if one is out then.....! She might just be with another man because she know your 5 year old will tell you about it, but personally I wouldn't have time for those kind of games.

My divorce was JUST finalized this month after almost 10 years of legal marriage, and about 8 years emotional marriage. It's not easy, especially with kids in the picture, but sometimes it's really not worth the fight if you're the only one fighting.

Painful as it is, sort of like a bad tooth, once you get it out of your system, you'll be on the road to recovery and feeling better. Get a good lawyer, your own bank account(only in your name), start the divorce, kick her ass out of your life, and you will discover a brighter future. The sooner the better!

I too have been through almost the same thing, and I know it hurts like hell, but with the help of friends, my work, and family got through it.  I haven't heard anything from her in years, and really don't even miss her AT ALL!

Anyone who can hurt anyone like this is someone you don't want in your life.  There are too many really honest,upstanding, and loving women you will have the chance to meet, and they can meet you.  There will be hard days, but none so hard as you are still married, so cut your losses (and that is what she is), regain your FREEDOM and dignity, and start living again! Wash your hands of her! You don't need her to have the life you and your son so richly deserve!!  Fight for as much as you can get, and make her pay for what she is doing to you and your son.

I looked at the day my divorce became final as INDEPENDENCE DAY!! And that was in Jan 1979. The day of getting rid of all that was hurting me and getting back to living and living free of guilt (She was the cheater).  If it's broadcast in your area, the tv show "Cheaters" is a big hit.
Just Google Cheaters and check them out...Big fun! and maybe they can help as well. Try to look at getting your divorce as the first big step in a long journey towards a much better and wonderful life.  If she finds out the grass on the other side isn't greener...You won't be there to get hurt any more.  Just look at her as toxic to your and your son's well being.

Good luck, and keep a positive outlook...Life will be much better.

My situation is the same as yours except that I am the wife and my husband left for an affair.  We were in the same boat with no intimacy for about a year and lots of arguing over money issues.  He travels for his job and started going to Germany and Spain last year - met a woman in Spain and started the affair.  He was apparently planning to try to have both me and our four daughters here and another life over there with the new woman until I caught him.  Now he's back over there and we hear from via email maybe every couple of weeks.

I have been devastated, just like you and dreaming of him wanting to come back.  But I am starting to realize that what I am hoping for is the relationship that we had a long time ago and that will never be possible because too much has happened.  For me the pain comes from his rejecting me and lying to me and how easy it seems for him to replace me.  It's as if these past 18 years never happened.  I also struggle with the idea of another woman being around my children.

But like everyone else on here has said, you can never ever change how someone else feels or thinks, only yourself.  So as hard as it is, try to focus on you.  I know it's hard because I am having a hard time understanding what that means after all these years of being focused on my husband and myself as a part of a marriage.  But slowly, very slowly and painfully, you will start to see little glimmers of what you need and of the good things that are in you.  I think that sometimes the "bad" in us becomes all that we see because it's all that was there in the relationship.  You are not responsible for the end of the marriage all by yourself - your wife played a part in it too and try to remember that.

It's not easy to go through this, in fact it just sucks to be blunt.  But life is a series of hills and valleys and you may be down in a deep valley right now but you will eventually be back up on top of the hill and the view will be beautiful!

I thought the same as you for about six months. She was the one who was screwing the friend of mine.The best thing I ever did was get ride of the baggage and get on with life and not look back. After things were settled I just picked up my stuff and moved 500 miles away and just started over. I think that you just should get out and enjoy the life that will find you and have fun.I will never regret moving on with life it is here to enjoy not fight for years with someone who could just not care about you. There are a lot of ladys who are wanting someone to trust and be happy also in this country

If she has moved on there is nothing you can do. I suggest just backing off - give her some space . Sometimes the more we beg and plead the worse it gets.
 As for having sex with someone else- That is tough! We become accustomed to that person- after all- it has been a LONG time since you were with someone else. It would be a good idea to wait for that also. Realize though , tha tno matter how long you wait  you will still feel like you are being untrue to your wife-stbx or ex. I know, been there and done that.
You are still attached to her and still love her. Give it all some time! Maybe she will come to her senses and come back. But in your mind you have to convince yourself and accept that it is over!
Hang in there!

PS: keep coming back here, these people are great!

Let it go.

I know it's not easy, I'm in a very similar spot and it completely sucks. But you just have to let it go. Realise that the marriage is over, the hopes and dreams are dead and that you need to stop being her victim and retake control of your life. Stop thinking "we" and start thinking "ME".

It's ok to love your wife. It's ok to miss your wife. It's ok to miss the happy family structure that you built and to miss the role of husband/father/protector/provider. It's not ok to destroy yourself, holding out waiting for everything to go back to what it was.

Hire a lawyer, file for divorce, get the property settlement worked out and get back to living. There are 3 billion human females on the planet.........that's a lot of potential mates, but until you are divorced, none of the good ones are gonna want to be with you.

Hi Petit -

I am sorry you are hurt and feeling out of control.

What you want is doesn't exist any more.  You want your old life  back, your happy wife, your happy family.  If your wife did come back now it would not be what you want.  There would be endless quesitons, a total lack of trust, poor communication, loss of feeling and a great deal of rejection and pain. 

The hardest part of losing a partner isn't actually losing the person, but losing the dream of what life might have been like if all the loss didn't occur.  The dream feels so real that we often don't see the changes that have taken place right before our eyes. 

The changes happened long before the split.  They lead up to a year of being married without intimacy, they led up to an ultimatum of divorce.  All this happened while you and she were still together.  

It appears that she has already moved on emotionally whether she has moved on physically or not.  Understand that the loss of emotional intimacy is the real threat in a marriage.  The loss of physical intimacy is just a symptom of what is happening within the relationship.  It really doesn't matter if she has slept with someone else or not.  Emotionally she has left the relationship.
 
This process doesn't happen overnight.  If you examine your life over the last three years you may be able to figure out where things went wrong. 

Either way, you cannot control another person. 
You can only control yourself.  Get yourself a counselor to help you through the rough ride ahead while you sort out your feelings and figure out how to cope with what has happened.  

If you want to chat I am here.

I'm going through some what the same thing but I have the kids and she move to another state with the o/m. Its very hard she going through a MLC and a change of life ( maybe there the same thing). Have faith but move on with your life the best you can. You have to take charge of your life it will make you stronger and a better person. She will have to come to you if she wants to come back but she not looking for the very same person she left. Show the world you don't need her and can live happily with out her. Thats better for you and in time it will be better for her. God bless you and be brave it will take time and if it does come around to what you want then the real work starts.

As the one who had "moved on" before he did, I can tell you- she's not coming back.  Your story sounds similiar to mine.  Only, the roles were reversed and I didn't sleep with anyone while still married. 

We quit having sex about a year and a half before I left.  For 3 months, he didn't even kiss me when I left for work or got home.  We ended up talking to a minister that we both knew and trusted and things got better for awhile.  Then, it went right back to where it was.  We'd occassionally be intimate, but not often.  Towards the end, he, like you, would try and woo me back.  All I wanted was someone to TALK TO ME!  And, he couldn't do that.  So, I moved on.  Once I made that decision, there was no turning back.

I hope the other perspective helps.  I went through the pain, the hurt, the anguish, just while were were still living together.

Ok fine she has moved on...then why hasnt she divorced him yet. I am dealing with this question myself. Financials arent complicated. Seem to have a good working plan for the kid. Out on her own being independent. So why not initiate the divorce. I think somewhere in our minds it is difficult to grasp the end if she doesnt initiate the paperwork.

I set a time limit for how much longer I am going to continue living in this limbo. Then I will initiate. But really why doesnt she file? She doesnt want you?!  So why not file already.

You need to evaluate your own need for control in wanting advice on how to manipulate the situation to the way you want it.  Seeing our lives as they are instead of how we want them to be is painful, I agree, but wanting things to run smoothly and our way all the time doesn't seem realistic.   Things like this make us look at our own hang-ups because we can view our inner thoughts more clearly. 
Besides, everyone knows that all things end.  Why the shock when they do?  It wasn't when you thought it should end but it did do what all things will.  

So sorry for your pain. She has to want to come back, and from what you wrote, she does not want to at this time. 
You need to start thinking about yourself and what you need to do to move on. Counseling maybe something you want to look into. 
Take care of you, read this site, and start the grieving process.

I know this will be extremely difficult but you have to move on.  I found out 10 months ago about the affair while he was trying to "decide" which one of us he wanted to be with.  Guess what?  He chose her.  His loss.

It's taken alot of time and counseling but I am getting there.  There's a couple of sayings I want to give you:

Never allow someone to be your Priority while allowing your self to be their Option.

Sometimes rejection is God's way of protection.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be only afraid of standing still.

This has been one of the most horrible things I've ever been through.  I have my kids and I have my health and I am working my independence.  We are here for you.

Dude,

You have been fired.  She don't want you, she don't love you, and she certainly ain't pining away for you.  That horse left the barn a long time ago.

Lawyer up, protect your assets, get a good parenting plan in place, and leave her the hell alone before she accuses you of stalking. This means no flowers, gifts, calls, texts, emails, or love letters.  Don't drive by the house and peek in the window.  She really is sexing it up with other guys 'cause you don't scratch that itch anymore.

You initiate the divorce.  Take control of this process for the sake of the kids and so you don't get screwed financially.

You're not a husband anymore and haven't been for a long time but you're still a dad.  Just make sure that when Uncle Bob comes over for a sleepover the kids are with you.....on a regular, court-ordered, basis.  Don't press the kids about Mommy's little friend and don't diss her.

Be a man. Divorce her silly ass and move on.  You ain't it anymore.

The only thing I can promise you is that you will come out the other end sadder, smarter, and stronger but there are a ton of women out there who will find you interesting but only if you are divorced.

It sounds like she has already moved on.  Nothing (at this time) is going to woo her back to you.  You're only setting yourself up for rejection and disappointment.

Have you thought about what happened to make you all not be intimate w/one another?   Somewhere along the line, she put up a wall for one reason or another (hence the no sex life). 

There is no excuse for her to cheat.  If she was having a problem within the marriage, she should have (both of you should have) sought marriage counseling. 

You guys have been seperated for 10 mos.  What has been going on during that time?  Have you two ever sat down to figure out where the marriage made a wrong turn?

And are you sure you'd want her back after being with another?  Would you be able to not bring it up or think about it each time you all were intimate?

Some advice that might be a little crude, but is needed to be told: you need to move on. Unless you and your wife (technically or legally your wife) can have that conversation, there is no future. Unfortunately this involves children, but their smart and they will realize the truth and facts at a later point. However, right now you want to do what you can to ensure that their well-being is met. Second, make sure you are taking care of yourself. If you can't make yourself happy, you definately cannot make anyone else happy. Perhaps you should travel a bit, go somewhere you've wanted to go, maybe backpack in Italy, Greece, etc or some fun places that'll have a lot of distractions. Your wife has moved on, so you need to as well. Good luck and you'll be fine in time.

Contrary to popular belief, the fastest way to get over someone is NOT getting under someone else. Dont do anything your heart isn't in right now. If you follow that rule, you will end up alright.

Best of luck.

I found out a month ago that after 21 years of marriage my husband was having an affair.  I have been with him since I was 19 and although I initially kicked him out, after about 2 weeks I called him and told him I still loved him and wanted to work things out and be a family again. (We have 2 teenage children).  He said he wanted to pursue this new relationship and did not want to be married anymore.  I cried almost non-stop for 2 weeks.  I started seeing a therapist last week and will continue to see her weekly until I get through this divorce.  It isn't easy and very painful but it is obvious that she is not coming back.  I know how difficult it is to start looking forward as a different person.  You need to find a good therapist who can help you through the emotions and help you understand that you need to focus on you as an individual.  Divorce is loss and loss includes grieving.  You have grieved for too long.  Know that you deserve something better.  You deserve happiness, too.

First of all Im so sorry for ur pain, I WISH my husband where a lill like you, but whenever he has the need to cheat he will do it, im sure...
My husband dropped the divorce petition a few days ago... and trust me...Im sure there is looots of people out there that will KILL for a second chance, and ache like u do... but after there has been cheating, separation and hurt, is not easy to be together again...
Try to put ur self  in  a better mental place...I mean dont kill ur self with the memories, and maybe she will see the change in you, women, for sooo many weird reasons (inclde my self) some times likes to fell ADORED by the man around and some times we can hurt a good man, dragging him to the point where u r... we dont want rings, or flowers, or anything because only with the action we know u r diying for us...

maybe u need to back off a lill, dont sleep with other women if u dont want to... but done send her anything else, try not to be around so much, this is a hard game but works... in most cases it does..at least u will be able to really see if she wants u back and she is just  playing around or if u guys are done and u will get some clousure.
 the best of luck!!!!