Divorce and the effect on children..

I'm tired of hearing "don't worry...children are resiliant". Ummm...no...they aren't!

I still have to listen to my brothers and sisters (in their 30s) bitch about their childhood, which was actually not that bad at all.

My STBX STILL has issues with his adulterous, alcoholic, narcissistic father. Which is why I'm surprised that he is following perfectly in his father's footsteps. Which when I met my STBX he promised me he was never going to be like his father. 13 years later and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the two.

So, yes, of course children are going to have issues. You have no control over your Ex. My son is only 2. I've got a long road ahead of me. I'm just going to make sure I do the best job I can every single day. As long as I do that I'll be able to sleep at night.

(My STBX left me and our 8 month old son for his high-school girlfriend. I had no choice. I just have to live with the fall out. It's a lot of work and it sucks. But it is what it is.)

Is there something in the air? We are going through exactly the same issues. Bizarre. My stbx has asked me to keep him "in the loop." I made sure he was on the Band Parents mailing list. The same list I get all my info from. There is an event this weekend. He & the OW have another commitment. Why didn't I tell him this was going on? Gee, I don't know.  I READ my emails.

There are some issues w/my kids.  My oldest is 20, soon to be 21, she has been drinking alot more on the weekends. Thankfully, she is responsible enough not to drive, but she is getting hammered.  They had a scheduled counseling meeting w/their dad on Monday. She stressed about it all weekend & drank. There are major addiction problems on both sides. I try to tell him about it & he'll talk to her in counseling & I need to quit interfering w/their progress. What progress? They dread meeting with him becuz it's all about him everytime!

Our exes are losers & can't accept that fact.  They are irresponsible, immature, undependable deadbeats. If he thinks I'm going to keep him in the loop & do everything for him like when we were married he's got another thing coming. She's so wonderful let her anticipate everything. She doesn't have a CLUE. It's not fair, it's unreasonable & it is completely off balance. We just have to consider the source. They don't have control & they nitpick about the smallest things becuz it's all they can do. I finally told my stbx after our "conversation" on Wed. to please just leave us alone. I didn't realize the girls had asked him to do that during counseling but he didn't think they meant it. I assured him they did. They agreed to let him text on the weekend but they will continue to ignore it. They are relieved they don't have to deal with his texting during the week. 

I feel really sorry for him. His life is pathetic. What kindof life is it w/out your children?  I'm glad I will never have to find out.

Hang in there friends. Try and find peace that we get it.

Are you sure our ex's don't know each other???

Yes, I think as little contact as possible is the solution.

I sent him an email asking him to please check of our son's cleats were at his house.  I had a feeling that they were with me but just wanted to make sure. I told him I thought the little one hid them from his older brother but I was not sure.

Sure enough I get this LONG email that I should be more responsible and get a box and keep their things in the box at ALL times. Shhh.....he has no clue where I keep things but was ready to jump to conculsions.  Sure enough the next morning my other son "found them"..hmmmm.

Let me comment on all of this: I really strive to have as little contact with my STBX as possible.  Communication only through email, and that's about it.

We had an incident yesterday where there was issue with my son's performance in both band and math.  He's in advanced/advanced math, and he's having issue, not with the work but with everything else.  Handing in homework.  Writing it down.  Paying attention in class.  The teacher and I have talked via email consistently, and he's not getting through the class.  I was a teacher, I know when a student is struggling, and so we set a limit that if he doesn't do well on this next math exam, he's going back to 5th grade advanced math.  Period.

I forwarded the email to his mom, just as an FYI.  She repled back that she had no idea he was doing so poorly.  She said they both made up the work from last weeken, and she checked it.  I sent a copy of the completed work she 'made up' to her, graded as an 'F'.   I told her we need to check his work more prior to him turning it in.  This was NOT a dig on her, but that we BOTH have to make sure we check it.

The email came back to me that it was all my fault.  She copied BOTH his regular teacher on it and the math teacher.  She said he was doing poorly because he's anxious in class. Because of his ADD, because he has issue with the math teacher.  NO PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY AT ALL.  None on my son, or none with her.  I'm trying to teach him personal responsibility, that there are consequences for his actions.  This is the same child who refuses to tie his own shoes, and when I ask him why, he says he can't because of his 'condition'.  Where do you think he gets that from??

These are things you learn to accept, adapt, and work around.  It's just frustrating that I'm dealing with a person who blames me for the demise of the marriage, blames other factors for our son not doing well in school, and for some reason cannot point the finger at herself or our son's responsibility.

I am glad you posted this HIC.  Is it the responsibility of the parent with the child to provide the other parent with a calendar? He can look it up, no?

Ex calls me at 7:10AM on a Friday morning last May demanding I tell him about the Donuts for Dads. I had seen it on the flyer but since he never participated I descarded the flyer. He said, "What do you know about it?" Me: Nothing, I am not a dad. Call the school. I need to drop of Noah  & get to work. Bye.

If I had wanted to I could have dropped everything, called neighbors, called school for him & etc but why should I? If he had been interested shouldn't he have called me the nite before or asked nicely? I needed to get daughter to school & etc.

I rec'd an ugly email telling how I was an irresponsible mother. It was MY fault he arrived late to the donuts for dads. It took him awhile to figure it out. Hmmm.

I was also berated for  not feeding the kids BEFORE he picked them up. I am not even home at 4:30PM. They get off the bus at 4:20PM and the babysitter gives them a snack. Not good enough.

He made her make some pasta. I told her NOT to do it especially since she has to run to pick up her son from highschool. It was HIS responsiblity to feed his kids.

Poor babysitter was uncomfortable and would except on that day she picks her son up from school and doesn't have time.

I think he needs to come prepared and not expect us to do his work.

The other thing on the list was about cutting the boys nails. It was my job as a mother. So what was he, just a sperm donor?  Yes, I could do it but since I know it bothers him, I don't. Go ahead call me evil.  Are the nails long,..no, but he likes them very trimmed. So, I figure he can do it.

I responded to his email in this matter:

Here is the website to the school...******. Here is the schedule of when /time I drop off kids at babysitters and when they return.

With regards to your drama, I am NOT interested.


Your thoughts on this one??

I am struggling with that as well.......my X thinks that he should be able to have the same relationship with the kids as he did before, I am suppose to give him updates on what everyone is up to, grades, events, etc.....well sorry you chose the single parent life now if you want to know when the football games are then you have to do the same as I do, look it up, hang the 13 year old upside down and hope a schedule falls from a pocket out onto the floor etc.... He complains about not being kept "in the loop" and I don't feel one bit sorry for him. I HATE missing one minute of my childrens lives because of his selfishness. I can't not even fathom how my children feel about being shuffled back and forth, their goldfish has a more stable life. So unfair.