Guidance or Suggestions, please

my husband emailed me a month after deploying to Iraq to tell me he was no longer inlove with me. Naturally, I thought there was another person involved. Over the course of the year he was gone, I accessed an account that he used for phone calls and discovered several calls, normally for a time period of 1 hour, to the same number. These calls were to a local cell phone. He has since returned, we are divorcing. But, I still snooped. I found a THE phone number and a name. Today, I checked our cell phone account and have found several calls to the same number. I cannot confront him. I'm not allowed to ask questions. Even though he still lives under the same roof, I have no rights to his goings on. We have 2 children together, that is why he is still here. Anyway, how do I go about this? Do I just keep my mouth shut for the sake of not being screamed at? I want to tell his mother so bad. I don't know how to go about doing it. If I do, do I tell her to wait on confronting him AFTER our divorce is final and I am out and away from the house? Someone give me some answers, please. I'm new here on this site as well. I don't know if I am out of bounds on this. But, I am hurt by ALL of this. I never wanted a divorce. I'm still inlove with this man, and it KILLS me inside knowing that he is attracted to someone else. And possibly, it started while he was away at War, while I was sitting here crying daily because I was worried about his safety.%0d%0aThank You

by lissinalaska 8 Posts
Posted on 9/15/2009 5:24 PM

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Answers for "Guidance or Suggestions, please" (7) (You must be logged in to answer)

I agree with all the advice. The LAST person to talk to would be his mom. It's her son and she will most likely side with him. Stay quiet and take all the advice thats been given here. It is an unbearably miserable situation and you are hurting terribly, but with time, and as your life sorts itself out things get better. Good luck.

by lori1 15 Posts
Posted on 9/22/2009 8:32 PM

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Retired military spouse here. Please listen to what I have to say and listen carefully.

1. Like Spaz said you MUST keep your mouth shut. Take this time to research, compile and prepare.

2. Get your ducks in a row. Make copies of all you financial info. Open a checking account in your name only. Make yourself aware of all your bills and your budget.

3. Hire a P.I. and get proof. The military is one of the only places you can get compensated because of adultery.

4. Go to the legal office and find out your rights.

5, Do NOT involve family. It will get real awkward, real quick and blood will always side with blood.

This will all be very difficult. But they are things you must do. I'm not really sure how being 8 years plays into your portion of his retirement. I know at 10 years you will get half. That's something to ask the legal office.

This was one of the most difficult, painful things I've ever had to go through. But I had to do it for myself and my children. He is in a very unhealthy affair. The girls and I are getting better everyday. Take care of and protect yourself. It's the only thing you have control over.

Hang in there.

by flutterby 829 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2009 4:10 AM

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Purg's right, blood is waaaay thicker than water, mom will be of little or no use to you. She'll likely think it was your fault somehow, not her boy's.

The PI idea sounds good to me, too. And do be sure to have a plan before you broach the subject, divorce and breakup and like that have a way of gaining tremendous momentum very, very quickly and it's easy to get behind the curve. You might also want to consider making copies of financial paperwork (there's something called copycat online that has a comprehensive list, perhaps one here at D360 too?) especially if you've some time alone. Once the you know what hits the fan, that may become a lot more difficult to accomplish.

The way you describe it, the breakdown of communication, it sounds like he's already checked out. And emailing you—wow. Previous advice here has been for the wife in the States considering divorce while the husband is deployed: don't say anything 'till he's back because it's important to the lives of a lot of people that he's as sharp as possible and not burdened with thoughts of the breakup. Seems the converse isn't true, at least he believes it isn't. I'd say on top of it all, his sense of timing is a bit dull.

by Natalie 729 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2009 2:53 AM

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I would call from an unknown number and see who's number it is. You can find out who's number, etc but that wont really show he cheated with her. Also go to yellowpages.com and type in the number.

But if you think he's SEEING her, then don't call. Have a P.I. follow him and make sure you have damn good proof of adultery (intention/action) Or some cases if it's just them two behind private doors for x amount of hours. Once you have that proof, file for divorce w/adultery for grounds. You will have the upper hand.

Basically, if you do call, it may give him the upperhand on covering it up that's all and that can screw you on the divorce. And DO NOT tell his mom. I don't care how close you think you are, you better believe that blood is much thicker than water.

by lifeinpurgatory 1830 Posts
Posted on 9/15/2009 11:29 PM

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Many hugs.

by Betrayedforaram 451 Posts
Posted on 9/15/2009 11:02 PM

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Please listen to spaz when she say keep your mouth shut. I was advised by my attorney several time to Shut Up and I would get upset and run my mouth it hurt me in the long run. I know you are in pain and love him but find a counselor to talk with and there you can confide in her.

by sjg 1772 Posts
Posted on 9/15/2009 7:42 PM

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All you have is a phone number, you don't know who it is, what he is talking about, and if there is more there than just talking. You can't go to anyone and tell anything when you have no solid proof he is with someone else.

You have a right to know, however, you don't have to ask him, that is what an attorney who is familiar with military divorce and a private investigator is for. Why, you ask?

Because if he really is cheating on you, then that is grounds for divorce due to adultery, and the military will not look fondly on his actions, and you will be taken care of.

Keep your mouth shut for now, find out what is REALLY going on, then plan accordingly to best provide for you and your children.

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 9/15/2009 5:50 PM

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