Will you tell your kids the truth?

My son is currently 2.5 years old. he was 8 months when his father walked out. he was 2 years old when his illegitimate half sister was born. I'm still not divorced from his father. At some point he will be old enough to figure it out on his own based on simply the dates alone. I don't believe that lying has ever benefited anyone in a positive way. Lying by ommission is what I believe is happening when you tell the childrend that "mommy and daddy just don't love each other anymore". I keep hearing that children worry that mommy and daddy will stop loving them. Why is that their number #1 concern? Maybe it's because Mommy and Daddy didn't tell them the real reason for the divorce and made up that vanilla non-answer. I do believe in age appropriate explanations though. Unfortunately due to my STBX's actions I think my son is going to be asking the hard questions at an age younger than I'd like. But I won't lie to him. What a crappy position to be put in. But hey, my STBX was so excited about divorce (aka affair) because it was going to be the best thing that ever happened to us!!!! Yea, Lucky me.

I did not have to tell my two oldest children, they knew the monster I was married to. She never paid for one single thing in the first two and a half years of  marriage. All that mattered to her was food and sex, she was a very selfish and very angry woman who could fly into  a fit of  rage, who would throw things or she has beaten me with vacuums or stabbed me with broken drums sticks, but worst of all she was very verbally and physically abusive to our two and a half year old daughter. My wife threatened and I personally watched her swollow 10 vicodins and then jump into her car and threaten to wrap it around a tree. She is a very sick person who competes for her dads love against her lesbien sister and her step brother and his wife and step-grandchildren. She spouts foul and vile things about her own mother and father when they show any love for anyone but her. My father was dying with lung cancer and it took 22 months for him to die, and after my father died on January 3, 2009 My wife Shayna said she was glad the focus was off my father and now it could be put back on her father Alan Kenendy. Her final remarks to me were that her former husband raped her for most of their 16 year relationship, and that the love making she received from the rape was far better than I ever gave her. My adult children know the truth about my wife Shayna, but my little girl Brailyn cannot understand and cries because she cannot stay with her daddy and does not want to be with her mother, oh by the way my wife might have taked care of our daughter  my be 8 hours in any given week, she did not have the patients to be with her anymore than that. My wife is a very selfish person who does not share anything like money or time with anyone but herself.

My kids 16 and 14 know and are not surprised that thier father is a cheat they already knew he was a drunk.  The worst part for me is after 21 years I feel guilty that he is thier father. that he is who I chose to have children with.  Dumb right?

I think you need to be honest, but age appropriate.  My kids are adults, so the problem is moot for me.  I can tell you that before I knew Ex was cheating, he emailed all three of our kids to tell them that it was really none of their business why were were divorcing, but it was all my fault.  I was mean.  I took him for granted.  I wouldn't kiss him (I didn't initiate kisses because he never brushed his teeth, but never refused a kiss from him--he wouldn't kiss ME).  The litany went on and on.  My oldest son, who'd been through a divorce himself and had the whole thing blamed on him was ticked that his dad would take no responsibility.  My younger two both saw that the first thing I'd said to them when I talked to them about it was that he was still their father and I didn't want to come between them and their father.  Then, we found out the truth:  He was cheating.  Not only that, he'd been cheating on and off with various women for at least 10 years. Once, he even brought his mistress to our house for a visit.  He got mad at me because though she was the rudest person I've ever met, I wasn't nice enough to her.  Now, two of the three kids won't talk to him unless absolutely necessary.  The one who does, says he was a good dad, but is a sleazy excuse for a human being.

He still is mad that there are consequences to his actions.

My son just turned 3.  As I informed his father, I don't think I will have to tell him anything.  I think even at his tender age, he already has his father figured out anyway, he's witnessed a lot already, unfortunately (one of the reasons I left.) But if it ever comes up in the future, at whatever time/age that may be, yes, I will tell my son (in an age-appropriate manner) why we divorced, including my ex's cheating.  I think it is bad for everyone if we lie to our children.  I watched a movie once with Julia Roberts where her father had cheated on her mother and noone ever told the daughters until they "found out" later -- all that happened was that they lost respect for both parents. If it never comes up, that's ok too.  Like I said, my son knows his father's character anyway.

I did the whole "momma and daddy aren't getting along". A lot of good it did me when one night, late, my then twelve yeard old overheard us arguing and it was then he found out what his father had done. He is almost 14 now and he will not mutter a word in his younger brother's direction to this effect. He has called my husband a lieing hypocrite. I have a feeling my little guy has an idea but he doesn;t let on. Neither of them have any desire anymore to be with their father. It's like watching someone die.

What I would have said if I had the opportunity prior to their finding out is" In life your going to make mistakes. Some small some big. The only thing you can do after that mistake is made is learn to not make it again. You do all that you can to make sure that the people you may have hurt understand and feel your remorse for having made it. You what you can to make it right. It's all you can ask of yourself.  You will see plenty of people in your lifetime make mistakes and you will learn of their charachter in how they handle themselves and any situations thereafter.  Be humble. Understand that saying I'm sorry has to have meaning to mean anything to anyone. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Learn to forgive, and be forgiven.

When I first discovered my husband's affair, I was in such a state of shock that I told virtually everyone I knew what he was doing.  I think that it was partly because I knew that I would need the support system and people can't really help if they don't have all the facts.

I told my 17 year old daughter the truth about why Daddy wants a divorce.  She is heartbroken, disgusted and disappointed.  She refused to see him when he came back last week (he works in Europe - big part of the whole problem)

My 11 year old daughter eaves-dropped outside my closed door on a phone call and heard enough to ask me if Daddy "has a girlfriend".  She is actually less emotional now than she was when I was telling them the whole "Daddy wasn't happy anymore with Mommy and thinks divorce will be better for all of us".  The fact that in the overall scheme of things, our family life was pretty calm made that reasoning seem so out of whack to her, so to have a concrete reason seems to have helped her.

My 10 year old and 6 year old don't know about the other woman but I do think that it might be helpful to them to know the truth as well.  My husband is planning to stay in Europe to live his "new, better and easier life" and for the girls to think that he just abandoned them seems incredibly cruel.  Maybe if they know that he "met someone" as he told me, they will have something to make sense of as they get older.

No matter what, I have demonstrated to them what it means to honor my commitment to their father and I have not once said anything disparaging about him to them.  I just told them that Daddy is just a person, like us, and we have to love him even more when he falls and makes mistakes, no matter how much it hurts us.  I firmly believe that revenge, anger or hostility do nothing but hurt us more.

The SAD realization is that I didn't have to.  A couple of weeks ago I was waiting in line at the grocery store and my son (preteen) looked at a magazine cover with Kate Gosslin on the front.  He said to me "Mama, you and Kate should be friends" This took me by surprise, because I have never watched that show, and I didn't think he knew who she was.  So I said "Why would I want to be freinds with her?  She lives is PA, it's COLD there" and went about my business placing our groceries on the conveyer belt.  As he handed me the pizza rolls he said "Because you and her have gone thru the same kind of stuff.  Her husband brought his girlfriend home just like daddy did with ((HOMEWRECKING WHORE)) and now they are getting divorced.  Miss ((THERAPIST)) says it's always good to have a friend to talk to".........So the moral to the story is, kids are a lot smarter then you think they are.  Anybody have Kate Gosslin's email address?? LOL

Do you really want to be part of keeping/perpetuating family secrets?  That smells like co dependency to me and you become the liar for having guarded the secret.  I agree with everyone that believes that age appropriate honesty is the best policy.  I also think that parent alienation is only valid if lies are being told to the child in an effort to discourage a realtionship with the other parent.  Otherwise you are just holding your spouse accountable for their behavior and the consequences are what they are.  One of my favorite quotes is "Don't worry that your children aren't listening to you-worry that they are watching you".   They get so much more than we tell them-I am constantly amazed at the observations of my two wise children.

Oops, "civil", not "sivil", :-).

Paula,What a good question.  A paradox if you ask me.  On one hand keeping things "sivil" and not bashing your children's (IN MY CASE) mother is what society would tell us to do. So when the children ask what's wrong, we are supposed to tell them we are having a bad day.  Well we also have the temptation to tell our children so they "side" with us, and some how this will make us feel better, and maybe even more.  You fill in the blanks.  Here is the "paradox".  What do we gain by telling them? We do know that children of divorce are more likely to divorce themselves.  If we don't tell them, do we risk them making the same mistakes.  Do we risk them learning what we all believe to be "bad habbits", ie. adultry, infidelity, dishonesty, and on and on and on.  Or do we as the "good" parents, the "loyal" parents, the parents who honer our commitment, want to teach the to fix their marriage and not run from it.  Maybe if we tell them, and they learn the pain involved, maybe we can stop the chain of divorce from going on and on and on.  Maybe we can teach them to be better?  Should you tell your kids?  Yes, when they are old enough, they should learn the pain you were in, and they should learn that honering your marriage is the right thing to do.  As parents we are obligated to teach our children right from wrong.

Well!  I just blabbed, not only to my children but everyone who knows us.  I had nothing to hide plus  my children (4) are all young adults. 

According to the research on divorce, children whose parents divorce when they are young are less impacted  than children who are older.  This research has proven to be true in my situation.  We have been a family for 27 years.  That being my eldest childs' age.  It almost seems that this would be reverse.  However, I understand clearly what it is suggesting.

So interms of would I tell the children.  Yes, because honesty and trust must be a common thread throughout family relationships, in order that the family would be viable, vibrant and prosperous.  In my opinion, there is nothing not to tell and nothing to hide. Tell everything so that everyone will be on the same page.  The family dynamics as we knew them are done and we must move forward with the new dynamics. 

Complete honesty!  Children learn from our behaviors.  Therefore, what they see us do, they do likewise.  "Like father, Like Son" for lack of a different pun!  Of course, you might want to be selective about what you reveal as some information can be damaging to/by either partner.  In my opinion, the damage has been done, so what the heck.  Let the healing begin. Everyone needs to return to a healthy balance through the greiving process. So,no secrets!  If we keep secrets from our children, they'll keep secrets from us.  If we are open and honest, they will be open and honest with us!  This is called trust.  What was lacking from the beginning.

well... both of my kids are infants...and as far as I can see.. the sperm donor wont be around alot... I know this because of y experience with him and his first kid.

Im not sure, but I do know that Im not going to lie to them about him (the Heroooo in war) and Im not going to make an imagen out of nothing... he can call if he wants, he can come if he wants but im pretty sure he wont be a step up dad at all... so... not sure!!!!!!

My kids found me one day, crying and sobbing uncontrollably on the kitchen floor.  I was such a mess I had my son drive us to a friend's house so she could feed them  and prop them in front of a movie.  They have asked why I was crying.  I told them I had gotten some really bad news and left it at that.  Kids have no need to know their dad screwed a craigslist whore and gave their mom chlamydia. 

However, I did hear my son ask his brother the other day, "Do you think Mom will ever tell us why she was crying so hard that day?" 

My son and daughter are adults I made him tell them and then they told their children how ever they felt to do so.

I told my kids that we were not getting along anymore as husband and wife, but would alwayas be their parents.  In our case, there was some stuff they never need to know about.  I think that would just make them feel differently about their father.  I think they saw where things were heading when I moved out to the couch. 

I'm not sure I would have told my kids if my ex had cheated on me- because that might have caused self-esteem problems.  Like Milly said, those kids are each part of us.  And, I believe if you make disparaging remarks about the other parent, it makes the kids question themselves.  If one parent is such a "bad" person, wouldn't that mean they are- or can be, too?

I don't know what I would say to a 5 or 10 year old other than research to see how it should be approached.  The first affair I found about my children were really young, but, I will tell you now that my daughter is 22 and knows about the current one, she remembers my reaction to discovery of the first one. She never mentioned it until now. Children know something is going on and it's not right but don't speak it. I did not say anything to them at the time.  My stbx exposed himself in others ways thru the years.  I now just tell them that we both love them and this is between me and their Dad.  I would love to tell you now that they are 19 and 22 they understand, but they do not.  They don't want anything to change and feel their lives are upset.  Children want their lives to be the same and all we can do is reassure them it will be.  My stbx is the one that did the cheating and now my job is explain to them that if you are that miserable in one relationship you get out before you begin another one. Both of them now have serious relationships, it is even harder.  So maybe there is no perfect way or age just reassure them you are there.  Just love  them for it is just as hard on them as you.

My kids knew about the divorce before me, there is really nothing more I can tell them about it.  They have had to live through the nightmare.  They have actually supported me when I haven't had the strength to support them.  Kids are smart, don't lie and they will appreciate the effort.  Age appropriate answers are the best.

Why?

The bottom line is it did not work out, in my situation I could tell the boys all the things that their mother did. Why? I believe it is called parental alienation and they do not need to know for now maybe when they are grown up and are having there on problems but I am a great believer in karma they know, stay above the bulshit.

I told my son the standard line about mommy and daddy not getting along, blah, blah, blah.......


I did not tell him his mother comitted adultery, and lied and snuck around, because he is 11 and that would radically change his view of his mother and ultimately screw him up real good.

However, I will tell you what I told his mother...........that I would respect her privacy and her wishes and not tell him her secret, BUT that when the day came that he figured it out for himself, which he will (allready has, I think) I will not lie to him if he asks me a direct question about it. I told her that I have never lied to either of them about anything and I'm not gonna start now.

i feel sometimes there age dictates what you tell them. some things you can't avoid telling them but i feel some things are just too private and too raw  if you have been underminded by your x be honest at all costs. with them and pray that they can learn from your misteaks and learn no one is perfect.

i would tell the truth. i would not want my children to go through what i went through. i would just tell them in a way that it would make sense. and also would wait till they are old enough to understand the situation...

I caught my wife having an affair anf told my three boys (17,15,13) that mom wasn't happy anymore but that we were working on it...two weeks later, after major behavior and lifestyle modifications to make things better, she lied again and left all four of us at home while going out to meet "HIM"! Now I was left to do nothing but tell the truth. My wife and her mother (and apparently everyone else she talks to) say that I should never ever had told them and by doing so is borderline child abuse! Seriously. She committs adultery and I get accused of child abuse for telling the truth. How does that work? I told the boys hse still loves them very much, but they are old enough to question her devotion to this family whne she has gone put and slept with someone else.

I made my stbx tell the kids because I wanted them to understand why it was happening.  They are 16 and 20.  Our situation is extremely complicated.  It's been a very difficult road but I do think it's best to tell the kids because they will come to their own conclusions if you don't.  There is a way to tell them no matter what age they are.  Smaller children can be cushioned but they are smart enough to reason.  Actually, sometimes small children have better answers than the adults.

My ex told my children that he was in a relationship with someone else...I didn't have to say anything, he did it himself before he even told me...I have been honest since then...If they ask, I tell the truth but try to do it in a way that sounds as nice as I can make it...My children were 14 and 16 when it happened...They are 15 and 17 now...I have always been truthful with my children...I have apologized to my children the one occasion where I really blasted their dad...I told them that I was human and that I was hurting and angry and it was wrong of me to add to their pain by verbally putting their dad down in front of them....I told them that he still loved them and that I was dealing with my own emotions and that we would get through it but not without mistakes....I told them that we are family no matter what...We have made it, not without some bumps and bruises, not without some pain, not without some mistakes but we continue to make it and are still a family unit...