Proceeding with divorce from my sex addicted husband. What do I tell my children?

I must have missed old posts...he's a sex offender...now that does change matters...(sorry Bluebird)....

I too had issues with my very own "loving father"...my mother didn't believe me or protect me. I slipped through the cracks and therefore was basically tortured (which is what I consider it) for almost 10 years.

Bluebird, I agree...once is all it takes. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if it never happened....because I truly believe he stole A LOT from me...not just the obvious.

(I still wouldn't spell out..."You're Daddy"....I have had these convos with my 6 yo and she even asks, "well, what about the doctor", "what about when ya'll give me a bath", "what about when I used to poop my diapers"....I clarified then and said if ANYONE ever touches her someplace that makes her feel "icky"...she should tell someone like me, her daddy, even a teacher)

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (did I miss where you said there was a possibility of this? I didn't see it anywhere else)....I also volunteer my services for children of abuse.

 

NEVER EVER EVER say to a young child (esp the age your children are) "If your DADDY ever touches you..." That is definitely putting the idea into their head and will come to bite you in the ass.....

 

I saw that bluebird offered you that advice (and while I can understand your advice, bluebird "our" situation was different than most childrens')....and it is not cool.

 

The discussion should in fact come up at some point...slowly and on their own levels that no ONE is supposed to touch them anywhere that makes them feel uncomfortable and they should be assured they can come to you if it happens...there are books out there to help (if this is even an issue)

In case I wasn't clear: You can't wait for a first time. You don't give him the benefit of the doubt. It doesn't matter if he has never touched them inappropriately. There's a good chance he will.

Don't wait for a first time. The first time will destroy your children.

If there is more to the story, your kids need to be protected at all cost.    Porn isn't illegal, but if he has done things that you are aware of, tell a judge who can have these visits monitered and supervised.

Actually, I would tell them that their daddy can do this but it is not ok if he does. It's the only way to truly protect them. Kids think that their parents are always right. They love him. They aren't going to tell on him if he does it. He'll tell them it's ok since he's their father.

He should not ever see either one naked. He shouldn't dress them. He shouldn't give them a bath.

This isn't about him or his 'rights' as a parent. It's about protecting the most vulnerable members of our family.

He's already demonstrated that he is willing to be with 16 year old girls. He's broken that barrier. Why not with one younger? What happens when his own daughter grows into womanhood?

The vast majority, at least 90% of REPORTED child rape is from the child's FATHER.

MOST sex offenders rape their OWN CHILDREN. Not some. Most.

Good post bluebird! I agree- he needs the visits to be supervised! The kids need to be aware that anyone can touch them inappropriately- no names have to be mentioned at all..but state that even family members can!

Being a survivor of rape at the ripe old age of 9, you need to tell them. You can say, if daddy touches you on any part of you where your bathing suit goes, tell me right away. You need to tell them. Sorry, their safety is far more important than any possible harm to him.

No one protected me. I told my mother. She did nothing. Don't do this to your kids.

I'd tell the judge outright in court. Tell her you want him to see the children only at your own house where you can supervise. If there is any objection, remind them that these are little children and their safety is far more important than his feelings. It doesn't really matter whether or not he's done anything to them. The potential exists. If your child is in the cage with a lion he's still in danger, even if the lion hasn't yet attacked.

For others, don't try to tell me oh, he would never do that to his own kids, or you have to give him a chance. It isn't about him. The very first time he does touch them it will shatter their world. You can't let there be a first time.

The way we handle our problems define who we are.     Keep your kids out of the know.     Only tell them the least info that their young minds can grasp.     As they age they will come to their own conclusions.     If your husband isnot a registered sex offender he has every right to see them unsupervised.     Never burden your kids with your problems.     They will praise you forever for the way you respond during this crisis.

Hudos to you for not wanting to embarrass him. That is awesome.
Just tell them that they will be able to see Daddy as much as possible. They may not be able to be by themselves with him because that is the way the judge wants it for now.
 Not telling them the while story is best. Not bashing him is very good too!
 Make sure at some point that you  talk to them about inappropriate touches...etc. You may have already but a refresher course might be good.

Supervised visits are hard on the children... especially if it is in
a facility. My 2 y.o. son was miserable in that place and
started to associate me with a miserable environment.
Sure... if the husband has been abusive or will potentially
harm the children, then supervised access is a must. I
stopped visiting my son because it was so hard to see
him not enjoying himself and it hurt me to know that his father
does not care how he feels. He knows very well that I am
no danger, but he does that to control me from beyond the
marriage's grave. Just think of the reasons why you might
want supervised access for him. If it is out of anger, than think
again.

Telling the children is a bit hard, since the youngest
one of them is a  bit too young to understand. The best thing to
tell them may be that you and dad can not be together
anymore and it is no fault of theirs, and that both you and
dad still love them just the same, and that they can still visit
dad. Unless he is a danger, though, unsupervised visits are
better for your children's sake.

About telling family/friends,
don't worry about what to tell them, the words will come to
you at the right time. Try not to take their judgments to heart
if they really liked your husband. You needed to do what was
best for you. If the relationship could not work,
then there was no use of staying. Everyone loses some family
and some friends in a divorce. I lost a lot of people in my life
I really cared about, but that comes with divorce.

Divorce, especially if there are children involved, is a very
delicate subject and is very hard to work around, but I am
sure that in time, all the words will come to you clearly if you
sit down and take some time to think things through. I wish you
all the best luck in your dealing with divorce. I hope my advice is of some
help to you.