feelings changed

You must eventually come to know what you want.   The hardest thing to do is decide.   He has done wrong, but you should know by now if he is truthfull and faithfull.   It is just as hard to divorce as it is to reconcile.   Why did you tolerate all this behavior for so long?    You are very slow in responding to your needs and wants for a husband.   If he is truely dedicated to you, you may want to consider staying in the marriage.   Life does get easier as children age.   You can still focus on yourself in various ambitions.   Weigh the pros and cons first, then make an educated decision.   The world can be a cold place, so make a good decision.

I do have children and I have went to therapy. We both went to therapy. He said he is a changed man, but he said that before. One thing... He actually initiated the counseling. The counselor said that I need to do what is right for me and make me happy. The kids wont be without him or me. They are both old enough to make the decision about who they want to live with. They both will be with me, he will visit whenever he wants to visit. My feelings for him as of now are merely friendship feelings. I love him but not in love with him and maybe in time those feelings will change to being "in love" with him again.  We have 20 years of history. Maybe we will again be able to share the future and make more history. Right now I want to be my own woman and take care of Me for once in my life. I am a nurturer and caretaker and never for myself. In time I will heal and maybe be able to forgive him for hurting our family. I will keep my head held high and walk straight and steady towards a brighter future.  I am blessed as I once was told. Maybe I am...

I read your story. He lived with her, left her and came back to you, and then went back to her?

He now knows that there are no consequences.

At 38 you are not too old.

By giving him another chance you don't guarantee that he'll stay. Why give him a third chance to break your heart? Do you really want to go through this again?

That's why you have to make this decision because you want to be with him, not for security or because you are afraid of dating or because the familiar is comfortable.

Do you have kids? Not that anyone should stay together for their kids. But during our therapy and subsequent separation and divorce I had no idea how much I'd miss my daughter. I never thought I'd feel the loss - even though I see her  a few days of the week.  Every day I think about her and when I don't have her that day, I miss her sooo much. For this reason, I may have went about therapy differently and been willing to allow a longer/more painful process of therapy. Although it wasn't entirely my decision in therapy, I did vocalize some things that I was upset about and these were ultimately what led my ex to jump ship on therapy.  So all I am saying is that in the beginning of a possible separation/divorce, it is easy to think about yourself and what you feel and don't like. After the fact there are emotions you can't possibly know will affect  you (and  your children if you have  them)..

Do you think you'd be able to fully trust him again?  I think that would be very important.  Trust is the foundation.

Ask yourself what you truly want.  Do you want to stay together and work things out?  Perhaps counseling would help clear your mind.

There is nothing wrong with being angry about what happened.  But if you want to reconcile, you'll need to find a way to let that anger go.

I understand if you can't.  Many people struggle with it.  It's not so easy.  But, it can be done.

Infidelity does so much damage, but it does not have to destroy you.  It does not define  who you are.

Red, this is such a personal journey.  Infidelity is not just a deal breaker--it is a soul-ripper, a wrecking ball that leaves  a trail of ruin and devastation. 

I was not able to "get over it."  I tried, but the lack of trust...it was too deep.  It will be a very hard and soul-searching decision for you.  Come here to vent, there are some very good people here who listen.