What affair recovery programs have you tried? What worked?

I talked about it a lot to my family and friends. I nor anybody else was expecting this. I treat them like crap. I let my wife reap her consequences with our oldest son. I am not going to tell our twelve yr old how to treat his mother when she has treated him so cruelly to pursue her selfish desires.

Thanks for all the response! So lets take this further. What did you do or what are you doing in the long term to recover mentally, spirtilly or god for forbid physically from the affair?

Hello, I just wrote a response on your wall accidentally.  I thought it would post here.  In any case, please refer to your wall for my answer :)

For the victims, therapy and introspection can work wonders, if given enough time and attention.

For the perpetrators, a Higher Power will have to sort it out.

yes, I was very confused too.  You don't love someone and do what she did to me.  It was either lip service or she had/has a very distorted view of what love is.  I think her idea of love for me was hiding things she thought would hurt me.  The truth is the dishonesty (she looked me in the eye and lied when I told her I had proof) hurt more than the physical part after the shock of it all.  I just didn't know what I could believe after that.....

I used the "File for Divorce" method.  The "Gut it out" method after her first tryst didn't seem to work.

This method is 100% percent effective at eliminating the problem. However, it can be a bit pricey.  All in all, I recommend it highly.

Thanks to those who commented already! I am also looking for advice for those who did not stay together - what have you done taht has been helpfull to heal yourself after the affair. This is a big issue for our clients as often those who have been cheated on and do not takecare of themselves afterwards have HUGE trust problems in their next relationships

Curious you wrote " She said she loved me and was "in love" with me" but what did that mean for her? I am confused I guess

We went to marriage counselors, marriage retreats, marriage classes, read books like the five love languages, etc.  Nothing helped as she wouldn't or couldn't change. 
She said she loved me and was "in love" with me.  I took it as lip service based on her actions which as they say, speak louder than words.  We will be divorced in about two months......

i researched the PICK thing, and as i have impulse control issues i bought the "online" lecture series rather than ordering the book lol

its brilliant!!

thanks so much for the recommendation - im a voracious reader and investigator of this stuff - anything but repeat my mistakes !

thanks!

None. That simple. I confirmed after my wife and I separated that she had cheated on me for years. Her and I have zero desire to save our marriage for what ever reasons, but even if those reasons were not there, I still would refuse to save our marriage or want a life with her.

She cheated and that to me destroys so much in a marriage and what a marriage is about. I lost my trust and faith in her, I can't stand the thought of touching her anymore, I would have to worry if she was doing it again when my back is turned and more. That's not a marriage or woman I want my life to be shared with. My wife new better and fully understood her actions. There is no excuse for her and no forgiveness.

I never once even came close to cheating on her, even in the worst of times simply because I was married to her not some other woman. Not all men are pigs or dogs. Some honor their vows and wife with their last breath. My wife could of done the same or left before becoming a trampy bed hopper.

No desire to forgive her or be with her. No treatment needed, just a real woman for a change.

Wow you have managed some great insights! And the How Avoid Dating A Jerk Program Or PICK talks about finding those red flags and many other things for people who have gone through hell like you have. You can search for the program by state or region. Thanks for the book recommendation we will check it out!

thanks so much for the recommendation - i will definitely look that up.

there were red flags along the way that i mistakenly downplayed or ignored. but like most addicts/sociopaths, and as a successful District Attorney, he is adept at smooth talking and persuasion. i read an article the other day about Philip Markoff (the guy who killed the prostitute from craigslist) - psychologists talk about "the mask of sanity"... one of the tools Ted Bundy used to murder in his day. i couldnt help but be terrified reading it and thinking that some day i will be reading about my ex in the news - melodramatic? perhaps. but given what i know now, i cant be 100% sure that it will never happen.

i will definitely recognise the signs when i begin to date again, and know to cut off all contact immediately.

i would recommend "Mending a Shattered Heart" by Stefanie Carnes for all partners of sex addicts - it made me realise i wasnt losing my mind in my darkest hours.

Wow - you have really gone through an ordeal! As I said sometimes a person will come to our classes and will say " I cheated because I have a sex addiction" and I tend to not believe that as REAL sex addiction is what you desribed. The expert on SA ( Sex Addiction I referred to often said partners run the risk of becoming addicted themselves or fall into a funk due to feeling inadequate... but you seem to have a handle on that. Where there warning signs of this? You mentioned he had it for 15yrs...

A book and or program you might want to check out is " How to Avoid Dating/Marrying a Jerk by Dr. John Van Epp" funny title but very serious material we use it in prisons and at DV shelters amongst many other places.

Take care

Like most people, id heard of sex addiction before but didnt believe it existed... i mean, we all like sex right? whats wrong with that?

yes he did have real diagnosed sex addiction - he cant stop using hookers or going to massage parlours whether he gets sex at home 5 times a day or not. when he's not going out, he watches movies about hookers or posts/replies to personals on craigslist, or whatever else.

he is sick - he cant help himself and he cant make himself happy. hes been in therapy, he went to sex addiction group, he read every book on sex addicts there was... the end result seemed to be him feeling better that he "wasnt as bad as some men" pfffft.

ive read a lot of books too, and i plan on getting myself back into therapy asap to move on for good and never fall for a man like that again.

Thanks smartcookie - you are right about that the change has to come from the person themselves! Did your partner actually have a sexual addiction? I know that phrase gets thrown around alot but it is in fact quite rare.. After all this what did you do to heal yourself? Thanks for being the comment!

We tried 4 marriage therapists and pretty much every book on affairs and sexual addiction known to man.

Nothing worked because cheating f**k's don't want to be helped - they want to have their cake and eat it.

No book or dvd or marriage therapist can cure major character flaws.