deciding..

Although my husband is an good person in a lot of ways-there has been so much hurt, too. I think I speak highly of him because I look at my life and think "why am I not happy?" I am a stay at home mom, we have no money troubles, my husband is good looking and does great at his job, etc. I think I feel guilt and maybe a sense that I am ungrateful (see a people pleaser to the max!), but what I stuggle with is his non-changing behavior (the last 8 years it has been the same thing that we struggle with now) I changed me to be with him (I was very young when we met-stupid me ;)). The mood swings, the verbal "stuff" (I hate to say abuse but to be honest I think it may be at times-esp in the past), not being able to count on him when it comes to IMPORTANT things (our child included), and his controlling behavior. I mentioned therapy tonight to him-he said that I am the one the needs therapy (not a new comment-but at one point did say he would go although he does not think it will work ). He then mentioned that I should go to my parents with the baby (4 hours away)-when I asked if he would come to see our son he said no-that hurt. He said I can not go this weekend because his family is coming for dinner and if I left then he would "deff. file for a divorce." he also mentioned that he is going to talk to a lawyer to see about things and that if we were going to get a divorce he wants to do it before he starts his new job so he does not have to go into his new job "dealing with all of this." I was like WHOA I just mentioned therapy, you say that you  rekindled with me but then go on a rampage about lawyers and sports tickets and can he have my ticket for a friend (this is what he was worried about?!) He said that he did not see us being together in 5 years because of "they way I am." I am not sure how I am, but he seems to think that it will be my fault in the end... Thank you for the support-I have not one to turn to here and it is nice to vent and get support.

I can understand the the grief over losing a child.  I can only imagine the hurt and pain of having that happen.  Do you have any idea why you are depressed when your husband is around.  If you went to counseling and he changed behavior is he not sustaining the change?  Maybe continued counseling would help.  You seem to speak highly of your husband in many ways so maybe he can focus on the other issues and help to make things better.  I am a true believer in trying to work things out if there is any possible way as I think divorce is just so final and is something that should be avoided if at all possible.

I think I may suggest counseling-the hard part is the some of the grief from losing our child 3 years ago is creeping up. Also I feel some depression but do not know if it is marriage related or something else. The thing is that I am only depressed when he is around or thinking about my marriage-when I am with my family and friends I am myself..that is what worries me...

Maybe some marriage counseling would help you both understand each other better and help you to treat each other how you need to.  If you are not sure then I would try and work on it as it seems it is worth saving....

Thank you-that is my worry-it is so final.

We have tried a seperation and counseling. We worked through it and he promised to change some of the behavior (not that it is all him by any means).

It just seems that in the past we have either been GREAT or BAD-not a lot of inbetween if that makes sense. Now we seem to be stuck. The last blowup was about 3 weeks ago. Now it seems like he is trying very hard but I just can seem to work up the energy to.

If it were not for my son I think I would ask for a seperation, but it breaks my heart thinking of not having my son see his father every day.

Divorce is, in many ways, similar to dropping an atomic bomb.  It should only be used as a last resort to end a world war.  It does unspeakably atrocious damage to anyone near the fallout, and although the results may be better than the alternative in the long run, it is a terrible thing to live through. 

Have you tried counseling?  It sounds as though there are some very good things in your life and marriage, including your son.  Divorce doesn't make things better or easier.  In fact, it is very painful and hard to live through.  I would honestly try individual and joint counseling first.  You can always divorce if that fails, but if you divorce first you will never see if you marriage has the potential to become stronger and more fulfilling.