Taking a cheating spouse back, did it work or not for you?

I took him back and we had a number of really GREAT years until he did again.  I would have taken him back again but he was really gone this time.

Knock it off Vincent. You cheated. You are wrong. Your attempts to blame another person  shows that you are not truly repentant and still unwilling to take responsibility for your own behaviour.

Other people irritate us. Kids do that a lot. They scream, kick, make a terrible mess. I have yet to see anyone with a brain blame the kids when their parents break the kid's bones.

Grow up already. Take responsibility. Your actions are no one's fault but your own. You always have a choice.

Read this Last:

Many times. (That is not to say that there are times when there is no cause)

 I think many women are not aware of how strongly their actions and behaviors affect a man's ego and feelings then spark the whole cheating relationship situation. And I would also say that when you take a cheater back, many times the same thing happens again. Why? I would guess that there are more faults in the relationship and perhaps the two people are not a good match and it is really really hard to find that good match. With time, the couple falls into the same behaviors that caused the bad behaviors to begin with. Perhaps this is why so few couples can actually recover from cheating, it is so difficult to actually get to the point where there is real change in one or both of the persons in the relationship. But some couples do achieve this and they often say that it took change on both sides. Sadly, most couples do not achieve this. It has been AWESOME talking to you. I wish I could just agree with you, but I cannot. I also wish you the best DAMN LOVE AFFAIR of your life and that you find the man of your dreams! You are a sweet heart!

Read This First:

stCheshirecat, I have come to my conclusions from what I have observed, what I have experienced and a bit from the observations of Dr. Laura. I am not a person who is closed minded and I do agree with you that cheating is wrong. Let me put it to you like this. I heard this great conversation about men and women. There is truth that men are tempted to cheat because of our nature, or brain chemistry or whatever. Men are as they behave because there is some weird drive that seeks variety (no this is not an absolute statement). We have all seen all the men in the news and all their weaknesses. We almost never see women in the same situation. So, there is an innate difference. But during this conversation of the battle of the sexes and why cheating occurs and why do men do it and what vice do women have.... one woman spoke up and said exactly what I am trying to say. To summarize she said the following:

To me as a woman, I am not tempted so much to sleep with another man. Yes some men are very attractive and yes sometimes I may think of having sex with that man, but I do not have enough motivation to cheat. I am married to a very very loving man, who provides well for the family and he is a great father. But my greatest weakness in this relationship is that I am constantly fighting feelings of being disappointed. Feelings that my husband has disappointed me in some way, that my marriage is a disappointment or that my life in general is a disappointment. I know better but there are times when those bad feelings are just put upon my husband even though I know logically he does not deserve this.

I think this is kind of the key. stCheshirecat, when a man constantly feels as if he is disappointing his mate or she berates him and his accomplishments and their lives, it creates that opening for a cheating situation. Is cheating wrong? Yes. But is there cause?

Hi trisha12- good post.
 I was not married to a cheating husband but my ex bf cheated 2 times. The first time I caught him it was with an old gf. She knew about me but I had no clue about her. I told him I had no clue if I could ever let it go but was willing to try.
Second time- was with a woman that he knew from years ago. He ran into her with his kids when he had them for visitation one weekend. I found out about it about 3 days after they renewed their friends ship and immedietly kicked him to the curb. No taking back this time - none. 
 If a new relationship comes along for me and I find them to be cheating. It will be an immediate end to it. No second chance - none- because it is too hard to try to regain the trust and I am not willing to put any more of my time into a relationship like that.

Vincent, will you give it up with the John Edwards' defense?  What did you expect his wife to do?  Say, "Whatever John does is ok with me, and I'm sure that I was a bad wife, so that justifies it."  She's a woman who's been very hurt and is DYING of cancer!  I wish *I* could have gone on national TV and told my story.  Lord knows my ex told everyone on the internet that he could why it was all my fault.  After awhile, even THEY didn't believe him.  Eventually, he began to say that it was both our faults.  Then, he said it was 90% his fault, but still wouldn't admit one thing he did wrong.  Now, he says it's 97% his fault, but still won't admit one thing he did wrong.

No one here, except possibly another cheater, is going to exonerate you.  We won't buy your excuses. 

Now:  Repeat after me, Vincent:

"I was totally in the wrong to cheat.  I had other choices, but I chose the wrong one.  It is not anyone's fault but my own.  If I am lucky enough to have some poor woman trust me again, I will either leave her or try to fix the inevitable problems rather than cheat on her."

Maybe, you'll even find someone who will believe you.  Not someone who has been cheated on before, however.  None of us would ever want a repeat performance of what we've been through already.

'Oh, so sorry judge, but you have to understand it was HIS FAULT! He was so awful to me, he belittled me, he wouldn't have sex with me. Why judge, you see, we just didn't like each other. That's why I had to kill him! It just happened! We weren't compatible! '

Judge Vincent, I'm sure you'll understand perfectly. You gave this defense for cheating spouses on d360! You understand it's just that we fundamentally didn;t like each other!

Of course you understand that the killing was a completely rational response! I couldn't get divorced. It's so much better for the family to have a dead father than a divorced one or one emotionally destroyed by my cheating!

Knock it off,Vincent.  All the regulars here have been hit on at least once by you.  I myself have been your target three times!  Have to keep better records, my boy, don't let the change in avatar fool you.

To all you newbies:  beware the online predator who victimizes women in difficult situations and then tries to justify the behavior.

To stCheshirecat

Yes cheating is wrong. It is not self justification. It is the dynamics of the mind. It is no different from the wife who won't have sex because she has not felt like it for 10 years.

My point is the sexes are very different and to truly know and understand your mate then you need to see the world though his eyes and he needs to see the world though yours.

Like I said, how can someone who wants to work on repairing a marriage and say she loves John Edwards, go on national tv and talk so openly and in front of 20 bizillion people about how hurt she was. Are you suggesting that is True Love? Are you suggesting that she is making the attempt of renewing the feelings they have for one another? She really really wants it to work out? Like I said, you have to look at the dynamics of the mind ... and the relationship.

Sigh.  I heard all of the self-justification from my ex on why it was my fault he cheated.  I don't need Vincent to tell me it's the victim's fault.

Sorry, it won't wash.  A cheater, male or female is damned selfish and thinking with gonads rather than a brain.  If you are NOT selfish, you a) try to fix the problem (counseling, whatever), and b) leave, separate, divorce BEFORE cheating.

Vincent, if you cheated on your spouse, it is NOT her fault; it is yours.  She did not call up 1-800-f***him and find a sex partner for you.  You did that on your own for your own agenda and own selfish reasons. 

A man or woman who cheats is not thinking about anyone but self.  Whatever the perceived wrongdoings by the spouse are, an honorable person leaves FIRST.

As for whether or not you can ever give a cheating spouse a second chance?  I don't know.  Possibly, with a lot of counseling, it might work, but I've not heard of many cases where it did.

Didn't work for us.  I was told it was over several times only to find out otherwise.  The last time they were "just friends".  Sorry, not biting.  We went to counseling and thought it was working.  I did it out of love and wanting the family to stay together.  Our marriage was worth trying to save to me but apparently not for her, at least looking at the actions.  I think she thought I was stupid and wouldn't find out after the last time.  In all honesty I don't think it ever ended.

I really like what life said... Straight and to the point...

There is no excuse for cheating.  If a man/woman is THAT unhappy (beit sex, lack of emotions, etc.) and counseling won't help, they should have the decency to leave and get a divorce first before diving into bed with someone.  So IMO yes, cheating is a very selfish thing to do. 

There is no "whys" that can rationalize it.  And what the injured spouse does after, so what?  If J.Edwards didn't want his shit published, he should've kept his (privates) in his pants.  He's a public figure, I'm sure he knew that being in the public's eye is part of the job.  Clinton too, SC gov too.

(read the other entry first, then this one last ... )
or they don't feel like they are wasting their time. Also, I just don't think men get that. I think men in general (and women to some point) become involved in mismatched relationships, have babies and then because of their feelings for the children and all the time they have spent with their spouse, they feel an obligation and a duty to keep the family together. That is a noble and sacred ideal. I too have wanted to live up to that ideal. In a funny way, that is the ideal we all struggle against when we go through a divorce. Also, sexuality and those drives complicate our thoughts. I would also say that that is what "Mother Nature or God (this is not a religious discussion)" intended. To "stay together for the kids", that makes sense because when kids are young they truly enjoy our company on a deeply fundamental level that has nothing to do with sexuality. That is a very good feeling. I am not trying to slander any person (John or his wife); I am just saying that perhaps the question is wrongly posed. Tricia12 wants to know if "Taking a cheating spouse back, did it work or not for you?" So, she really wants to know if she takes her spouse back will it work for her. I would say she should ask herself if she really just likes being with her spouse? Then she has to value how she feels about looking at her children and knowing that they will not have a whole family. Those are the questions she needs to ask herself to know whether she really wants to take her spouse back. If she really likes this person, then she will whole heartedly take him back without being a vindictive person because she just truly likes this person and quickly forgives all he has done.

I just do not believe that those who cheat in relationships do so for selfish reasons. Yes, some cheating may be for that reason. This sight mostly receives content from women. Most of those women have been cheated on. So, let me pose my question another way. Why do women cheat? Can you really classify their reasons as being selfish? If you read their entries you will soon discover that their reasons are often because they feel unfulfilled in the relationship they have with their spouse. Is that selfish? No. Is that a mismatch in personalities or priorities in life? Perhaps. It may seem like a selfish reason to cheat because "needs" are not being met. But the problem with this statement is that "Needs" is kind of one of those words that is not really very specific. Actually I think a better statement would be that the two individuals as a couple do not really like or enjoy the other person. They just don't like being with the other person or enjoy the things the other person does. When you get past the sexualization of a relationship, you are left with the fundamental personality of this other person. To me, getting to that state in a relationship is the test that determines if one person will cheat on the other. Women to me use the word "needs" in an odd way. I think the situation is just more simple than all that type of analysis. The idea of "needs" would be met if they were with a person who just enjoyed the other person's company. It is that simple. So I would say that John Edwards perhaps just doesn't really enjoy his wife on a fundamental basis. I would also say that her response to his cheating really indicates a vindictive aspect of her personality that may have been his true motivation for cheating. I would even go as far as to say perhaps she is as she is because she just doesn't really like John. I mean they may be friends because of all they have experienced and kids and all that, but that doesn't mean when they spend time together they like each other.

I have discovered that my husband has cheated right after delivering my daughters (a year and a half apart). With the first one, I peeked in his cellphone and discovered text messages from an ex confirming a date and her asking if he was coming over to watch a football game. He insisted he never met her and he was just brushing her off...I never brought it. Why wouldn't he tell her he is married if he wanted to "brush her off" or just bumped into each other..Anyway second time was several weeks ago (after baby
#2) where I discovered emails confirming a date with a hooker on my due date!!! I feel sooo stupid and trapped. He never apologized and tried to make it seem like I was jumping to conclusions!! I don't love him but am stuck for the kids. I want to make an exit plan. It hurts when I think of everything and especially that I married a cold person who secretly enjoys making me suffer.

I took my cheating spouse back after he had a very public affair.  He said it was over .  We went to counseling.  Turns out his affair never ended.  I took him back out of fear of the unknown. I would probably still be with him and miserable if he wouldn't have left for his mistress the second time.  There is a wonderful light at the end of being cheated on.  When you get over the pain and start to work on yourself.  Remember in change there is power.

I took him back after I found out about the first 6 month affair, we did ALOT of marriage counseling and he seemed truely remorseful. It took me two years to trust him again. 2 years and 1 month later he had another affair and I found out the exact same way as I did with the first, his cell phone. I never asked asked any questions just packed the kids and my stuff and left. I went through hell (physically and emotionally) after the first affair and refused to do it again. The divorce was/is painful but each day that I am not having to "wonder" or "check-up" on him makes ME a little healthier.

Before you take Vincent's post to heart please know that men or women that cheat do it for selfish reasons it has nothing to do with the spouse that has been cheated on. Yes, I took back my spouse several times and he continued to cheat. 
The thing you need to realize you are not going to get answers from women that took their spouses back and it's working they are not on D360 they are cuddling with their spouse.

Why don't you ask a different question? The question is difficult but a bit different than what you are asking here and maybe at the heart of the issue. Here is the question. What makes a man cheat? You as a woman know why women cheat. When women cheat it is mostly because they are looking for emotional fulfillment. But why do men cheat? I think the answer is as complex as to why women cheat; it isn't just for a quickie. This will really hurt some people. But let's look at one situation. Look at the situation between John Edwards and his wife. Why did he cheat? Well who knows? Now look at how his wife went on air with ABC and the internet and basically said all she said to everyone about John's affair. Well my perspective on this is why did she do that if she really loved him and really wanted to save the marriage? To me, this is more representative of why John cheated. She is weirdly vindictive. What was her point in the interview other than to make John feel like dirt? Everyone knew of what he did, did she need to take the knife and turn it? So, then why did John cheat? Maybe John cheated because his wife is / was this kind of person through out their marriage and has always made him feel like dirt. Perhaps his moment with a women who said, "You are hot" was what he was looking for at home and never heard those words from his wife. Yes, she is sick, very sick. I feel bad for that. But just thing of the energy she had to spend for that interview? What a waste of time and for what? Now, what do you think John's response will be? And if he cheats again, can you blame him. So, I think you should ask a different question. Why do men cheat? I think if you look hard and see how some women emasculate men at home, you will find the answer you are looking for.

Honestly, if a cheater is still in limbo about who he or she wants to be with, then it's probably best to leave that person be.  Move on.  It's the best thing for both of you.

I took him back because I loved him and wanted it to work. I thought he loved me.

We did the counceling and it helped me get stronger.

How many times? 3 maybe 4 times that I know of.

How did I know? I would just notice the evasive behavior, not interrested with the family, he drank alot more than usual, didn't come home when he said he'd be home, didn't want to have sex or kiss me. Money would disappear. A lot of things, I found phone numbers and had friends that would notice him with certain women and the last time I caught him planning a date with one.

My wife cheated on me for years until I confirmed it. Cheating is dishonesty. I don't go into being or accepting dishonesty. It only ends up hurting someone. Cheating is also a lot more than just being dishonest and disrespectful to your sworn marriage vows and for that, I refuse to take my wife back. I never cheated on her so her lost of a honest man and my lost of a dishonest woman.

Who ever takes back a cheater is one of 2 things. A better hearted and loving person than I can ever be or what the fuck crazy. No disrespect to those to take back their cheaters, more power to you and best of luck. For me, I'm better off with out her.

Gotta love you lam. Got a backbone? Good for you! lol

Yes I did take him back.  We are in counseling at HIS request.  Things are going very well.  I know he is bothered by the fact that I no longer "need" him in my life, he is here because I want him to be.  This kitty can manage on her own, and did so for over a year without him.