Should I calmly confront my wife's lover?

So sorry to read of your situation. 

Don't call him.

You're misplacing the blame and responsibility.  The problem exists in your marriage, and it's your responsibility.

I'd add that if you are able to be calm in this situation, you are in denial. 
It hurts like hell to be chaeted on and betrayed.  Eventually, whether you like it or not, that hurt and pain is going to manifest itself as anger or some sort of other issue.

Are there kids involved?  In my case there were.  They were my focus.  Good luck to you, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, even the guys who had affairs with my stbx......

An unfortunate situation and alot of constructive responses. I'm still dealing with my situation but I thought I could give you some advice or what I thought. You've been married for roughly a year. I do not think that your wife will completely change. No one does. No matter how much you want to beleive they will and want them to, it will not happen. It will never go back to what it was (even if it was a fantasy that it was perfect), b/c you will always remember that she did this to you. You can confront the OM, it might even give you closure on this. Do whatever you want to, he has more to lose in this than you do. You indicated that he has a wife and kids right? Its time to perhaps expose him to his wife. I would not involve his kids since no one wants a child to go through this, there's plenty of other things waiting for them. The OM should not get off scott free, so I would confront his wife and unveil the type of husband she has. Now that part of the problem has closed, and do not revisit it. Its on to you wife. I seriously think that you should leave her. You have every right and it is not worth salvaging especially since you do not have any kids. Kids change the equation immensly. She will probably do whatever it takes to minimize her fault in this case, but the fact remains that she chose her actions and the decision did not involve you. It'll be painful and shocking, but over time you will get over her and move on in your life in a more positive manner. If she's not stepping up to the plate and having that conversation of what will make her happy, its not going to work. Sorry to be so blunt, but like I said, you do not have kids and you have all of the factors for an out. She will not stop or change and it'll never be what it was. Fortunately your only a year into the marriage and do not have any kids or large division of assets to deal with.

Sounds like terminal infidelity to me. If she won't stop the affair, then she has allready made the choice to end the marriage.

I would stay away from the other guy, with the powerful emotions invovled, no good can come from that.

I was the same way but after I thought about it I waited until they were both happy there life then I sent a note wishing the both of them the same fate as I had.because I know neither one of them would be true to each other. It was my ex's second time and his the third. They are a good pair in my book. I will get the last laugh.

I know you are hurting because I've been there and wanted to do the same thing. And when I thought about it; it wasn't fair to lay my problems on the others innocents doorstep. And in my opinion the other guilty party, they don't care, or they wouldn't have done it in the first place.

It was my husbands plans, it was my husbands deal to sleep around, and if his family wasn't worth it to stop we didn't matter to him, it was his choice not mine. He chose not to be the faithful spouse. If I confronted him about them he would just ly. If I saw it, then it just turned to I was seeing things. So all in all it's up to you and how long you are willing to put up with it. But in my opinion making another family suffer my telling what was happening with my spouse to the other innocent spouse was something I didn't and couldn't handle.

I might also point out that even though I felt the way I mentioned. I also had thoughts of ripping the hair out of the other womans head. Then I realized it wouldn't be worth it because he would just choose someone else to cheat with and I would be the one made the fool. It was his choice. Just like it is your wifes choice. Just decide what you are willing to put up with or shut the door.

I'm sorry for your hurt and wish you well.

I know you are hurting because I've been there and wanted to do the same thing. And when I thought about it; it wasn't fair to lay my problems on the others innocents doorstep. And in my opinion the other guilty party, they don't care, or they wouldn't have done it in the first place.

It was my husbands plans, it was my husbands deal to sleep around, and if his family wasn't worth it to stop we didn't matter to him, it was his choice not mine. He chose not to be the faithful spouse. If I confronted him about them he would just ly. If I saw it, then it just turned to I was seeing things. So all in all it's up to you and how long you are willing to put up with it. But in my opinion making another family suffer my telling what was happening with my spouse to the other innocent spouse was something I didn't and couldn't handle.

I might also point out that even though I felt the way I mentioned. I also had thoughts of ripping the hair out of the other womans head. Then I realized it wouldn't be worth it because he would just choose someone else to cheat with and I would be the one made the fool. It was his choice. Just like it is your wifes choice. Just decide what you are willing to put up with or shut the door.

I'm sorry for your hurt and wish you well.

I agree with most everyone else--this is between you and your wife...don't bring the OM into it, he won't give a s what you are going through. I have been in your shoes, and it is the worst thing I've ever been through. The betrayal is extremely painful. I confronted my wife with her affair and begged her to stay in the marriage and fight for it (17 yrs and 2 kids). I tried to be understanding, and give her time and space to think, she would just tell me that she "wasn't sure" what she wanted or she "didn't know" what to do. What I did wrong was that I pleaded with her, begged her, and was willing to compromise with her...a natural reaction for most people who have been married that long I think. What I was doing was showing her I was weak and needy, and it only pushed her further away and made her decision easier. The harder I tried, the more I talked about saving the marriage, the more she moved away from it. As backwards as it sounds, that's the way it works. After she had moved out, the OM STBX came by my place to tell ME about the affair! She didn't know if I knew about it or not. It was the 3rd time her STBX had cheated on her and she had finally had enough, their daughter was 19 and so that was it. We exchanged a lot of information and she filled in a lot of blanks for me, which did help. We were able to support each other through both of our divorces and she even offered to go to court for me if I wanted her too. Anyway, best of luck to you, I know it's difficult...reach out to your family and friends, and you always have us here to lean on!!

You can't make anyone behave in an honorable manner.  I know that if I'd talked to any number of the women with whom my husband had affairs, they would all have had plenty of excuses and plenty of blame for me, as I was painted as the wife who was mean and didn't understand.  Men or women who have affairs with other married men or women often do it because it's 'safe' but exciting.  Safe, in that, for all the words and claims of love, one or both of the parties do not really want commitment.  They want exciting sex, and someone who listens to all the lies without having the background or experience with the person to know that it's BS.  Exciting because it's forbidden.

I know how devastated you feel, but I also know that you deserve much better than a woman who would rather talk over the problems of her marriage with a lover, than with a husband, who might actually solve them.  I think that's the real key.  Most people who engage in affairs do not really want to solve the problems in the marriage.  If they confronted those problems, they might find out that they are not all the fault of the spouse, and that they, too, have responsibility.  It's easier to go to an exciting love and claim that my husband (or wife) does not understand me!

You have gotten so much feedback already, but I felt compelled to respond because I went through a  similar situation. I did call the other women (in my case ) and told her that I was unaware we were having marriage problems , that my husband had not told me or tried at all to resolve any issues he/we had- and that I was very much invested in my marriage and because we have a child- I would appreciate if she would recognize that my husband is not available to date anyone-that he has alot of unresolved business with his family and marriage.I basically let her know I existed, and was not willing to lay down and give up my marriage easily and that she would just be making it more difficult for us to figure out where we stand etc..  She was actually sympathetic and said she wouldn't see him anymore.
He on the other hand ended up telling me she meant nothing,he was committed to going to counseling etc. Meanwhile he was begging her to get back with him - Essentially lying through his teeth to us both-  In the end after his lying to everyone plan didnt work out- he resented me for interfering with HIS relationship and ruining  it for him! Ridiculous.  There is no winning in these situations. I say decide what you are willing and unwilling accept and know that they will ruin it for themselves. Anything built on such a shaky foundation is doomed to topple.

This is freakishly the exact thing that happend to me, I did comfront her lover. I didn't help, with my soon to be ex, she had close her heart to me already, and like you she didn't tell me many thing untill after the affair.  I know who you feel you dont' want it to end, I know the pain.  I know what you mean about not making things worse,  she has left me for him and now I hate them both so very much.  I don't know if I do have advice, I know you don't want it to end, I know you Love her tremendously, I know you don't want to loose her.  What I can say is whatever happens, I shall pray for all involved, becouse once the evil enter, which it already has, it's not helpfull,  sorry to hear your going through this.  You always have us your extended family here for you.  To your non-hurt.

No, have a nice talk with his wife and mention that she should make sure to use some protection. Then talk to your wife. She is not some piece of property that the guys fight over.  She does not love you.  She does not want to be married to you either but is to much of a coward to tell you to your face. Get as far away from this person as you possibly can and hang out with people who respect you.

Thank you all for your responses.  I'm taking everybody's advice into consideration.  I have decided to at least wait through the weekend to give me time to talk to my wife and see where we stand.  I know the smart thing is to cut my losses and move on - but that is easier said than done.  Even if it were to work out between us, I'm not sure if I could ever trust her again, but I don't know how not to at least try.  I'm still in a state of shock and panic and just feel like it's now or never to try and salvage this marriage, which I still want to do.  It's nice to hear what others have to say at least.

Sorry you are being in this situation,
I think is up to her, the OM doesn't even care for his own family, what makes you think he's going to care on what you said. They are making a big mistake and heading to a unhappy situation for both of them. Now, if you want to save your marriage, I think you need to talk to her and try both to get marriage counseling. Did this happen before in your 8 years together? why did this happen now, after married only 10 months?..may be she is not mature enough or she's dealing with fears related to marriage. I think she needs therapy to find out if her actions are related to the change of status. If she doesn't want to cooperate in saving the marriage, my friend is time to think in yourself and move on with somebody that really appreciate your value. I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you. Sometimes this is  better to happen now, so you can really know who is the person sharing your life, than you being naive and find out after 20 years..when your best time has gone.
God bless you.

I agree with most here. If it weren't this guy, it would be someone else. He's not the issue--your wife is.  So this other guy goes away...you're going to ever trust your wife again?

Oh, one more note. There are some sick people out there that are only interested in married people. It's a challenge for them. They feel special that someone married would be willing to leave the person they committed themselves to.

If the other man is one of these people he relishes causing this kind of trouble and calling him dircetly won't help you at all. I have e-mails from my STBX's mistress laughing at all the pain she and my STBX were causing me. SHE ENJOYED causing pain and misery! There are some sick people in this world.

(18 months later she's not laughing as hard as she used to be. In another year or two she won't be laughing at all...that's when all the money will be gone.)

Everyone is right.

You have no control over this situation and nothing sucks more than that. You are looking for a way to control what is happening and have an influence on the outcome. It's hard, but you have to accept that there really isn't anything you can do or say to change their feelings. they need time and a strong dose of reality to realize that what they are doing is a mistake, but by then it will be too late.

I think the person you need to call is the wife of your wife's lover. She deserves to know the truth! I called my husband's mistress's husband. He hated hearing the news but at the end of the conversation he thanked me for giving him the truth. His wife was lying to him so much that he was so confused and miserable. Once he learned the truth he was able to make decisions that were in his best interest and he was no longer her gullible puppet.

Do you really want to be with someone who lies and betrays you? Do you want to be someone's second choice? Do you want to live wondering if the next time you disagree with her she'll have another affair and blame you?

I wish you the best. This is a horrible situation to be in.

I agree with MMA, "The issue is not the other man, the issue is your wife". I have been in your situation two years ago but I was the wife that was having the affair. My ex found out, gave me an ultimatium, and threatened me. That push me away 180%. So I filed for divorce, moved out, and bought my own home. I've never been more happy than I am now. I'm still seeing the OM but I did not end my marriage for the OM. I ended it for me and my sanity. My ex was driving me crazy with his porn addiction and fantasies of us having a threesome with other women. He wasn't happy with just me, he had to think about inviting another woman into our bed to satisfy him. So his affection for me started to decline because I wouldn't follow through with his fantasies. He pushed me away into the arms of the OM...and yes I know that two wrongs don't make a right but for me and the for the situation I was in, I needed that affection from someone at that moment. So don't try to convince her otherwise, just tell her that you know about the affair and that you love her but that she needs to make a decision here. If she doesn't want to let the OM go, then you let her go and move on with your life. You deserve to be happy too. But I'm telling you right now, she is having the affair with hopes that the OM will sweep her off her feet and leave his wife for her and that is not going to happen. He loves his wife and he probably loves her too. Remember, he has 80% of what he needs at home with his wife and he only has 20% of what he needs with the your wife. It's the 80/20 rule. He's not going to leave 80% for 20%. Especially if he has kids with his wife. Your wife is just fullfilling the 20% that he's not getting from his wife, which is probably affection, sex, attention. But that's not a foundation for a loving relationship, it's just infatuation and it will get old. Karma....she will get hers. Stay strong and start thinking about moving on with your life without ur wife.

The issue is not the other man, the issue is your wife.

Confronting this person isn't going to solve the problem.  It's not about him leaving her alone, she shouldn't be with him in the first place.  You need to confront her and deal with your own problems.  Let him deal with his wife and his own issues.

That said, you might need to also come to terms that she might not want to work on your marriage, as you do.  Also, she might cheat again.  Realize that she's to blame here, not you.  Don't worry about the other person, yes, he is guilty but you don't know him.  They both entered the affair willingly.  I recommend therapy.  Good luck.  I hope you find happiness, with or with out your wife.

I have had the same problem. My husband talks to women all the time in a disgusting manner. It wont help to call the man and ask him to stop contacting her. She must be willing to do it on her own. I have asked the women to stop talking to my husband and they have laughed and continued so it doesnt help.

I would only talk with your wife.  She has to be the one who chooses your marriage or not.  Regardless of what the other person does, if she is dedicated to the marriage she could have a stampede of men after her and it wouldn't matter because she is dedicated to YOUR relationship.   It will be totally up to her.  If you try and force it, it will push her away.
Tell her how feel and that you are willing to work it out but she has to be in it too.  One way to tell if she is truely dedicated is to see if she is willing to be totally transparent with phone and computer accounts.   If not, she is hiding something...  Good luck

The other guy doesn't care at all about your feelings, is how I see it. I'm just not sure it'll help to contact him, and it'll probably leave you feeling worse about the whole thing than you do already.

If she's willing to stop the affair then it won't matter what the OM does or doesn't do; if she's not, then it doesn't matter what you do or say. It sounds harsh, but I went through something similar. Nothing I said or did or felt or expressed made any difference whatsoever to either of them.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you.  I have been where you're at...my ex cheated on me too.  I had many similar thougths go through my head, but in my ex's case...it was all about sex...she didn't want anything long term.  So, in my case, it wouldn't have mattered if I confronted the OMs (yes, there was more than one)...she just would have looked for another.

Painful as this is, if you get rid of the OM...whether it's peaceful or otherwise...you won't change anything in your wife.  In fact, it may make things worse.  She might get resentful, if she's actually fallen for this guy, and won't be any more motivated in working out the problems in the marriage...in fact, she might just move out to be with him and it will hasten the divorce process.  If it's just a meaningless fling, then she will just go find another, but be more careful and try to keep from being caught again.

Your best bet is confronting with and dealing with your wife.  If she doesn't want to listen, whether or not the OM is in the picture, won't make a difference.  You will have a choice then...accept the affair and work around it or reject it and offer an ultimatum?  Neither is going to be easy for you.  You still love your wife...and you want it to work.  But if she doesn't...well, you can't control that...but you can control with  how much you can put up with and live with.

I made the decision to forgive the first affair...and I tolerated her talking to other men, but once she crossed the line a second time...it was over.  She had no desire to work on us, despite her words that she wanted to.  The truth is that when you've had enough, you will make your decision too.  But confronting the OM won't really make your wife work on the marriage...she has to want to...and if he's out of the picture, she'll likely just withdraw from you further, not work on the marriage.  I'm sorry for all you're going through.  I wish you luck with all this...keep us posted!

I thought about doing the same thing many times.  I was tempted to call her and ask to please step away!  I never did do that for a number of reasons.  

I wondered if it would really make a difference.  She didn't respect our marriage (or hers for that matter) when she became involved with my husband.  Why would she suddenly have a moment of remorse and decide to step back?  I know that in our case - it gave her a big sense of woohoo --- look what I've done!  I have a married man leaving his wife for me!  It was a rush for her.  (She broke up with my ex about six months after he left - she was still married.)

I also thought it could make matters worse.  It might have added fuel to their passion fire and make her really want him and him her.

Finally I knew that even if she left him alone --- he was still involved.  He didn't just have a one night stand --- this was someone with whom he was truly in a relationship.  He had allowed her to come into our life and he would still be "out there".  Just like you said --- you don't think she is willing to stop the affair.  So if she isn't willing to do so --- would your request to this guy make her want to really go after him?  The whole forbidden fruit thing.

Everyone's situation is different and you have to follow your gut.    I am sorry you have to go through this.  I wish you the best as you try to navigate your way.

I had a conversation with the OW.  She said she would leave him alone if he asked her too.  He wouldn't.  He wants to wipe the slate clean and start a new life with her rather than come back to his family because he has hurt us so much in the past. 

None of it makes sense.  But when they are in the throes of the affair you can't reach them.  A friend told me:  You can't reason with unreasonable people.  Be prepared.  I know your intentions are good and I, too, wanted to save my marriage, but it takes two.  And when only one of you is willing to try it hurts something fierce.  I am sorry you are going through this.  I will pray for you and your situation.

You can't make her love you. I don't see anything wrong with talking with him calmly. I have heard that those intentions neve pan out the way you invision them. Had there been any issues like this while you were dating? It is such a short time being married for something like that to just arise. You may get him to see the light but it may do the opposite to her at which point you may want to cut your losses.