3 musts

1) Honesty from the start. If he/she lies to you once, he'll/she'll
do it again. Even if he/she only lied about his/her age. You need
an honest beginning.

2) Know his/her past. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Some men and women are addicted to the rush they get
from risky behavior, and will never stop. There is no marriage
if there is no trust.

3) Have a long engagement. 5 or so years should be sufficient
enough to be able to know someone well. If he/she cheats or
is just not compatible, at least you can get out of it without a
divorce. Also with the engagement refrain from having
children. Children are used as a tool by vindictive parents
to get at the other emotionally, or used as control over
women from beyond the marriage's grave.

I guess I'd have to say-

1) a good work ethic.  I was married to a man for 15 years that didn't have a job for 9 of them.  Oh, sure, he had a business, but, it went downhill.  I've talked to some of his former clients and some who did work for him.  When things got tough, he got whiny.  It was NOT good.

2) the ability to work through an issue, not hide his head.  My ex also liked to pretend that a problem didn't exist.  That only causes more problems in the end. 

3) must treat me like an equal in the relationship.  I will not be put on a pedastal, nor will I be treated like the scum on his shoe.  I want to walk beside him.  I will NOT tolerate having his mother put ahead of me.  I am either his partner or she is. 

Yes, honesty is important.  As are many of the other things I have read.  I was married to a Momma's boy who didn't know how to deal with problems.  I guess that's why he lost his business, his wife and will love his kids' respect soon.

1. Total honesty yes, but in a compassionate way, everyone has their own stresses so someone who tries to consider the feelings of not only themselves but of their partner too.
2. Communication is key, if you cannot communicate you will be a very lonely person. It's not all about the physical, that will fade but a best friend will last forever.
3. Someone who likes to go places and do things together, not things that cost money, just walking hand in hand at the park or on the beach.

Humor, adventurous, frugal but not cheap, shared interests, lives/doesn't just exist, able to discuss problems without getting defensive (this is HUGE!).

Humor and expressiveness, cultural similarity (this was another problem), values family but doesn't place them always before us. Reliable and trustworthy, consistent.

This is a wish list, right?

 

I don't think I'll ever intertwine my finances with those of another person, though, no matter how much I love them. Divorce makes me realize how vulnerable marriage can make us, even if we're careful.

All of the above responses are fantastic.
I will be looking for someone gainfully employed high self esteem.
Sense of adventure,strong sense of empathy.

My advice after two divorces: pay attention to the " red flags"! If some behavior or trait is giving you an uneasy feeling, there is probably a reason!  Although I had many positive commonalities with both husbands, I saw potential issues for the future and married anyway thinking I could " work" things out-wrong!  
Be honest with yourself when contemplating who you want to spend the rest of your life with. I could have avoided two disasters if I had walked away before I was in too involved and unable to extricate myself from the relationship.

1 -Honest-
2 - Self Supporting
3 - Similar family values

You're intent on running for those hills, aren't you *smiles*?

I don't know if I can trust anyone again. Marriage doesn't mean anything at all. The only thing you can count on is right now.

I like that song by Nickelback, 'if today was your last day'. It  starts with, 'each day's a gift and not a given right'.

I'm dating a guy who says I  need to learn to trust again. True. I'm just not sure it's a good idea.

hmmmmm I guess I would keep my mouth shut if I was ask. But from what I have read here I understand why your single and looking. Chit I call this the MLK syndrome. Personly  ya'll need to wake your azz up how about no expectations. There are things like if your azz ain't rich then you have to work.  
Don't expect me to raise your azz cause I am not your mom or dad.

I don't do drama.

If your unhappy with your self then I can't help you because I have a hard enough time with me.

If your looking for a knight in shining armor hmmmmm he went that way >>>>>>>>>>>.

If your not looking for some one who is 6'6 muscels on the his ear lobes and looking like cary grant  I can help you.

you want a man that works loves his woman and wants to try to be normal  we can talk.

If you want your man to enjoy what nature blessed you with  ok. But if you expect me to change or to work for it  keep it  cause today ain't pay day.
 In all How about getting real and quit expect some one to treat you like your special  and by your rules relize you got the same thing any other woman has  just you was 1st in line. Now can we see if can have a normal relationship with out any expectations of what you want. if not later. 

Here are my 3,
1. Must not be selfish, your free time is my free time and we do things that she cares for only.
2. Healthy attitude physically and mentally, able to handle life challenges with a good spirit.
3. Uncomprimized lover with the only ambition to
     create and nuture passion.

Definitely honesty--the guy I as married to for over 30 years  was the consummate liar--He was ab Ivy League law school lawyer--my mother put him through law school -a day or 2 after he died--we discovered--he was not only cheating--but was a sex addict--having sex over 1000 times all with prostitutes in a little over 5 years--even paying for 2 different prostitutes apartments. He did this by forging documents and getting control of her money-without her knowledge--.--I would much rather have a guy tell he doesn't like the way I cook or look--then be sweet and go behind my back.

he must have a good work ethic  My PI found out that this SOB had not worked in over 15 years

he must have a sense of family and friends--if he seperates you and himself from everyone--you have no one to fall back on and nobaody to see the subtle changes
-

1. Yes, honesty. Not brutal honesty, 24/7, just honest.

2. A good sense of humor. Because life is too short to take everything so seriously and it's too boring if you aren't laughing. But not potty-humor. The more intellectual the humore the better for me.

3. Moral/values. I just want a good man.

4. Someone who understands that life is hard. It's not easy for anyone. That you have to work hard for what you get in life and should appreciate what you have that you worked so hard to get instead of always wishing and wanting what you don't have.

5. A sense of adventure. Again, life is too short to be sitting around watching tv, playing video games and on the computer.

Just a comment on honesty:  If you see that as a top characteristic, it probably means that the ex was dishonest in some very hurtful way.  Mine not only cheated on me multiple times, I found out, but also lied about the cheating.  He lied about the reasons he was leaving, claiming the old, "I need to find myself."  He even lied to his own family, telling them he was going to go stay in another city with an old buddy from high school, when, in reality, he had an online tart he'd already begun to have real time sex with and was going to move in with her. 

No one really wants to know the true answer to, "Does this make my butt look big?"   On the other hand, I doubt anyone wants the sort of person who can look you straight in the eyes and swear he wasn't leaving you for another woman, when, in fact, he was.

Actually, I made a list of 10.  My top 3 are honesty/trustworthiness, integrity, and must like cats.  I know the last seems silly, but I am a cat person.  I like dogs, too, but my ex gave lip service to tolerating my cats, while using them as one of his excuses for cheating (among many others).  I don't care if my future love interest likes dogs best, as long as he likes and tolerates cats, as well.

My list of 10 (in no particular order, but putting those above as absolute deal makers or breakers) are:
1. Honorable and trustworthy (not a liar)
2. Likes cats
3. Wants to travel
4. Self-supporting
5. Intelligent
6. Good communicator/good conversation
7. Willing to honor me as a person and individual
8. Friendly
9. Shared interests
10. Able to fix things

I am starting to meet and get asked out by a lot of men lately so I have thought long and hard about this very subject.

Mine are:

1.    Chemistry (a must have to build anything meaningful and long lasting)

2.   Compassion (does he feel and act with love and compassion)

3.  Lives with a sense of satisfaction.    (if he has work he loves, friends he loves and a sense of purpose then it has been my experience that he lives with a sense of satisfaction with who and what he is).

I read some of the answers before answering this and found that the answers are quite interesting.

First I noticed a lot of negativity towards loners. Being a loner
I find value in being with a loner because you do not have to
campaign for time....you are number one.

Honesty is important, but not to the point of brutality. I don't think
some of the people on here really want the truth all the time.

also the people around the person are very important. If a person
is surrounded by people who are people that don't like you or
people that you don't want to be around than the person valuing family an
friends is not a bonus but a burden.

so my 3 things are:
chemistry....or it ain't working
compatibility....can we talk to one another
others....do we agree on how we handle people in our lives as far as setting boundaries, when to socialize, how to socialize, how often, do we share levels of privacy

i have a serious problem with your post and most of the responses:

why the hell didnt you tell me *before*?!!!! ;)

i just "good posted" your question and virtually all the answers - thanks!

1- Must be honest.
2- A caring person.
3- Love kids and family oriented.

bonus ad:
4- be open to comunicate and express herself.
5- be pro-active and positive person.
6- be funny

I read all of the replies and there are some great ideas. I like honesty, but most of the comments I saw had honesty directed towards the person writing the reply. I would like that but I would like just as much that the person I am with is honest with herself. Often the problems I have encountered in relationships were caused because the person I was with couldn't be honest with themselves. I do prefer a person who is financially successful but I am far more interested in someone who is personally successful. Forget the rest I want her to be a good person, to do what is right by herself and others because it is right not because of guilt or religous, society values. Yes, this does not mean that she would have to be brutally honest in everything she says because when she is not I know there is no significance in it because she would not be the type of person to lie to me about anything substantial.
Must want to LIVE, not exist.
Family, friends, etc. the people in our lives that are important to us are they only things that truly matter anyway, the rest is circumstantial.

The whole marriage thing should become a termed-marriage instead of a permanent thing. It should be a renewable 5-year contract, with a standard separation form for the assets and the kids, if any. After the 5 years are over, if one of the spouses wants out then all he or she has to do is not renew the contract. Saves everyone time, money, frustration, etc...

I was married to someone who was completely honest, to a fault.  Anytime I made a mistake, put on an outfit, or cooked a dinner, his remarks (according to him were honest) because he wouldn't want to lie to me about my bad cooking or my lack of clothing coordination.  So even though his comments from him hurt me, he would tell me he was only being honest.  Be careful what you wish for.

A person who is surrounded by friends and family is one of your more important idicators that your significant other is socially comfortable and likes family.  Beware of the loner's.

You want someone who is financially responsible, and is a hard worker.  Be careful of the one's who at age 40 still can't get their shit together.

 

Don't forget how this person makes you feel.  Is this person supportive of you.  Does this person go out of their way to see your needs are met?  Could you go out in public dressed like a complete dork and this person wouldn't care one bit because they know the real you?  Even though you may have the craziest of all idea's, does this person listen and hear what you have to say (even if it is crazy)?  If you were sick, would they take care of you?

paula 1,

Wow. I read your question and responses (as well as many of those posted by others) and, well, I think your three are my big three.

1. My past marriage was, unfortunately, lacking in the honesty department, which is why I was burned. Honesty is paramount for me, now. In fact, I'm going to make that fact abundantly clear when I begin to date again.

2. & 3. I realize now that, of my spouse, these were somewhat lacking...i.e. I didn't realize the warning signs until it was too late. In hindsight, rather.

So, that said. Good question. Thanks for posting.

1. Must be self sufficient as in don't need me to survive.
2. Must share my core family values.
3. Must have his own home, own money, and take care of it without needing me to sustain it.

Wow,

Love almost all the answers I've read so far (submissive & serviceable???  Hopefully that is a joke or from someone who is into S & M)...

For me I suppose I would take all your suggestions as written and then perhaps add - easy to be with.  As in, it isn't ALWAYS work to be in a relationship with you. 

For example, I recently started dating.  Had a phone relationship for over two months with someone where we spoke literally every night.  HE was all gung-ho about our being together, but I was relatively non-committal in terms of making any declarations of feelings or hopes for a future together (this was the first guy I was going out with, I mean - come on!!).  Anyway, we saw each other just four times.  JUST four times in two months.  And it felt like there were times when I had to explain to him that the way he behaved towards me or didn't follow through with me (he would drop me like a hot potato if anyone in his family or his kids wanted his time when we had time scheduled - even phone calls!).  I explained how rude it was from MY perspective.  It was just too much work for me and it didn't work out, and I'm not sorry.  I think HE wasn't ready to be dating.

So now I'm seeing someone who has been divorced 10 years.  He's no stud muffin, but very nice, very sweet, very reliable, very considerate, kind, funny, and it has been extremely easy for us to be together, even when we don't agree on things politically or within our own religious traditions (we are both of the same faith and practice nearly the same so even THAT is easy - no explaining on either of our parts!).  What a difference.  Much more relaxed and actually more fun to be with this guy.

See my point?  Honesty, integrity, strong moral fiber, similar beliefs, flexibility, compassion, these are all important traits.  But until now I didn't realize how nice it was to be with someone easygoing as well.  AHHHHH.. It is like being on vacation with him all the time.  Pretty cool for just "going steady."

1)  Have a job and understand the importance of work.

2)  Clean.

3)  Have a good heart.

4)  Have self control.

5)  Value family.

6)  Goofy sense of humor.