How to co-parent with a no contact order and Order of Protection???

I had to get an Order of Protection on my STBX to keep him away from me and my children. He still has visitation- the exact same schedule - just supervised (for now) by his parents. He is out of control right now. I dont know what will happen. But, I dont think he is stable.
But, I digress.

Im surprised. So far, I am loving the OP because we have had no contact (other than his violating it...but, I digress - again).
Wow. The no contact has been a god send. I feel so relieved. Like a weight off my shoulders. Its easier ot get through the day and night!!
I guess I did not realize the anxiety, tension and emotional baggage that being around him brought into my life.
Now, I see that every exchange was an opportunity for him to abuse me verbally or in some way or another. On more than one occasion, he became combative, threatening and intimidating requiring police intervention. He would barge into my home, without notice, and demand items that we were supposed to be having our attorneys work on. I let him. Why? So as not to cause a scene because this was always in front of my kids. Despite my demands and requests that he not do this, he always did what he wanted - when he wanted.
But, I digress again. Lol.
My question is, I realized that I want (and need) as little to do as possible with my STBX in order to heal. If we did not have kids, I would have absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

But, we have a baby. 22 months old and I need to keep in mind that we will be parenting him for the next 18-21 years together whether I like it or not.
So, how do you co-parent when you want nothing to do with your STBX and when he unfairly lashes out at you and treats you poorly?

It boggles my mind. I am the kind of person who wants to share every moment of my son's life with his father. I wish I could text him, email or call to let him in on whats up with our son. To share and include him. Divorce or not, we are still parents together.
But, my STBX is not the kind of man who I can have this connection with.
It is becoming glaringly clear to me that the relationship between us may, at least for now and the immediate future, need to be limited to as little contact as possible.
This upsets me greatly because I feel bad for my baby. Like, I am doing him an injustice.
So how do people do it?
How do you "co parent" effectively with someone who is unhealthy, abusive and you do not want to be around??? How do you say good bye to your child and watch him go for visitation, smiling, waving at you with such love in his little eyes not knowing that he is leaving with his father - who is someone who hates your guts?

I dont hate my STBX. I would put everything he has said and done aside in an instance and try to build a friendship for the kids if he would do the right thing for our kids and just act.....civilly, respectfully and courteously. Thats all I ask. But, it is clear he is not capable of it.
So, what do I do??? How do I do it??? It breaks my heart to think that in a few years my STBX and I will go to our son's school functions, games and stay away and have not one single word to say. Will our son feel torn? Of course he will...thats not fair!
That is what upsets me the most. I just wish things were different. What else an I do????

I know I things are too speculative at this point. I mean the OP was just filed. But Im trying to get an idea of what to expect. Any suggestions?
I am even willing to do post divorce co-parenting counseling - but that is not something he would EVER do.
As part of the Family Offense Petition, he may have to take a parenting class and "anger management". I doubt that they will do any good.
My STBX and I were in marriage counseling for 8 months out of a one year marriage. Lol. He did not do the required assignments in counseling and quit. I guarantee that he will not complete parenting or anger classes.
Has anyone else been here? What can I expect in the near future? How did it turn out for you and your kids??
Thanks.

by AnaBella72 193 Posts
Posted on 7/20/2009 9:40 PM

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Tags: parenting , hateful spouse , custody , order of protection.

Answers for "How to co-parent with a no contact order and Order of Protection???" (3) (You must be logged in to answer)

My ex did the OP deal, just to play games. It hurt the kids as much as it did me. If your stbx is that bad, good for you, maybe he will see it as a chance to grow up. High school was a long time ago buddy, get over yourself. Best of luck with this one. Be well.

by Jamesalone 2778 Posts
Posted on 7/25/2009 2:21 AM

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Your ex sounds just like mine. I have a no contact order and a protective order both in which are going to expire soon. I cant fully agree with 'lifeinpurgatory' because it has been over a year and my ex still acts the same way. He had to do the family violence class and it didn't help either. He had supervised visitation by his parents too and this is the first year he was able to get our daughter for the month of July without being supervised.

I was very nervous at first and despite the no contact order our divorce decree has a phone call stipulation where I can call and talk to her once a day while she is with him which has been very helpful, he puts her on the phone when he can see its me and he has her call me when they miss my call. She is 5. Your baby won't be little for long so the "phone call stipulation" will come in handy when your child gets to talking age and so on. Trust me it will make you feel better hearing everything is alright without having to talk to your ex.

As far as your ex is concerned you can think of him as bipolar, he will have moments later on where you can manage on discussing the well being of your child and other times he is going to be as moody and difficult with you as possible. Limiting talk time with him is the best thing for you and your child. When your child hears degrading dialog between you to it will upset them, so if he isn't going to be civil then limit it to only talking when it is imperative.

by Openme 7 Posts
Posted on 7/21/2009 12:54 PM

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You're thinking way into the future. It won't always be like this. Your husband is controlling and as he can't control you he's pissed at you. He can't control himself so he will control everyone around him as I'm sure you've experienced.

Right now it's best to have no contact.   Give him time to get over everything. To get over his hatred and anger toward you.

The way he is now is not how he's going to be the rest of his life. I'm sure in a few months, even a year from now it will be totally different.   Your child is young, school functions won't be for years to come and I'm sure by then you guys will be on at least cordial terms.

It's easier for you to revert to 'friend' status as you have no emotions for him (as far as a husband) but he's too emotional right now and you even suggesting to him would just make him look at you and say "WTF?".   So don't push it on him right now.

Give it time. Give him room. Do the no contact thing. He'll come around to his senses eventually.

by lifeinpurgatory 1830 Posts
Posted on 7/20/2009 11:40 PM

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