Do I wait for my kids to be older before I leave my husband?

If it is inevitable I would say don't wait.  My kids are 16 and 20 and this has had a devastating effect on them.  They are amazing kids but my oldest is suffering in college.  Her GPA went from a 3.7 to a 2.7 in one semester, very painful.  My youngest still has a 4.0 but her relationships are what's scaring me.  She's very flirtatious with boys and blows off her friends.  They are in counseling and I keep a very close eye on them.  Their dad's affair and his inattention to their feelings has been just awful.

With that said, I would exhaust every avenue before dissolving a marriage.  15 years is alot to give up on.  Talk to your priest/minister.  Go to marriage counseling.  Go to a marriage seminar.  They have all these wonderful programs out there designed to rejuvenate a marriage and to re-discover each other.  I would've given anything to have the opportunity to address the problems before it was too late.  I had no clue.  I thought we were just going thru one of the valleys that marriages go through.  I don't want you to have any regrets.  I will be praying for you and your family.

BlueB speaks words of wisdon. I can tell you that I stayed with a man who was depressed, angry and verbally abusive because I didn't want to put my kids through a divorce.  I thought that I could be a buffer. Finally, a counselor helped me see that the situation what not healthy for them. I waited way too long (about 7 years too long). We are much happier now, but they have scars.

I have to agree with what Blue has said to you in both responses.

That said, then, as long as the relationship is not abusive to you in any way, or is creating so much tension that you can see it affecting your children (you can tell if their behavior suddenly changes - regression in age appropriate behaviors such as toileting, eating, sleeping, more clingy, etc).  Those are signs that the kids are intuiting what is going on.

If you are able to tolerate the relationship and think it best to stay with your husband, then I agree with Blue.  First, let your husband know you are unhappy.  Second, see if the two of you can go to marriage therapy together.  Then you will be able to make your decisions and choices from a different place than just the ages of your children.

Kids are smarter and more intuitive than we sometimes give them credit for.  Even the very young ones can sense tension and it shines through in their behavior.  I have now seen for a second time in my life, I married a person with two young daughters.  I think it hurt them knowing what was coming and not seeing it happen for so long that they never really recovered from the stress/pain/fear.

If you haven't talked to your husband about being unhappy, I suggest you do it now.  If there is a chance to work through your problems, do THAT for the kids' sake.  The only exception to this is if there is abuse...if that's the case, then run far and run NOW.  If you have made up your mind, and you cannot be dissuaded, then tell him now.  He deserves to know how you feel.

As for the kids, I think they will adjust better to the divorce now than they will later in life.  It won't be a cakewalk for them, but it really won't be any easier on them if you do it later.  Do it now when the grades don't matter so much to their future if they have some diffuculty adjusting.  You do this when they're teens and in H.S.?  On top of puberty and all the insecurities that come with being a teen?  Trust me, that's a stressor they don't need at a time when their grades will determine whether or not they can get into college.

You must do what you feel is best, of course.  I don't know your marital problems, as you've chosen not to share the specifics.  Talk to your husband and start this dialogue now...even if you can't reconcile the marriage, it will make the divorce process go a lot smoother the less you hate eachother...and if you keep all this unhappiness to yourself and stewing inside you, you WILL grow to hate him worse later than you do now...and don't think that years of resentment won't bleed over to him and breed the same in him.  And that's on top of the underlying marital problems...they won't go away, they will just get worse and worse.

I wish you luck with all of this...keep us posted!

First, have you considered marriage counseling?  Are the marriage problems so bad that they can't be overcome?  I see a huge red flag in your post..."my choice."  Has your husband any idea how unhappy you are in the marriage and knows that you are considering divorce?

Staying in a marriage because of the kids is always a sticky wicket.  The truth is, if you have indeed made up your mind to get a divorce and cannot be swayed in that decision, then your kids will suffer already.  Living a lie isn't easy.  How long do you think you can go on pretending that your marriage is perfect, day in and day out, for the kids' sake?  Will you give your husband affection only for show?  How long can you pretend to be lovey dovey with your husband when the truth is you want to vomit every time he kisses you or puts his hands on you?  Will the charade be only for the kids sake?  Will you keep your husband in the dark as well?  How about all your mutual friends?  His family?  Can you really be that good an actress for...how many years?  When would you think the kids would be old enough?  When the youngest is past 10?  15?  18?

That's a long time to be miserable...and your kids will pick up on that, even if your husband is clueless.  Even if your husband doesn't know you're unhappy now...there's just no way you can hide that unhappiness from him forever.  You will fight more often.  Your affection will die off and you won't want to have sex with him...he WILL notice that.  This tactic may backfire on you...what if he ends up wanting the divorce because you are so miserable and can't stand being around him?  Even if you convinced him to stay for the kids' sake...do you really think it's fair to raise the kids in a house where love is a lie and the daily tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife?  Your kids will suffer either way...and the longer you put off telling your husband how you truly feel, the worse the divorce process is going to be. (continued)