Opinions please...

Over the past few weeks, I have been seeing someone new. She has never been married and has no kids. We have known each other for a few years, but just very casually. This is a pretty new relationship.

She's moved back to the area only recently. She moved in with her mother until she gets on her feet. From what I have learned, she has a strained relationship with her mother (her mother abuses alcohol and has attempted suicide before).

My question is...does anyone else think it is strange that this new woman I am seeing has been staying at my place everynight? There is no sex involved. She was clear on this. It's just snuggling/sleeping. She leaves in the morning when I go to work. When she works at night, she'll come over afterwards and stay over. We talk about our days and go to sleep. We have been spending a lot of time together and really have a great connection. She knows my situation with the divorce. In case anyone is wondering, she does not stay over when my kids are there. She has only met my kids once and that was in a group setting (BBQ).

We get along great. We spend a lot of time together (not just at my place but eating out, outdoors, and going to the movies). She's amazingly beautiful and a real genuine person. I just don't know if it is right with the relationship being so new for her to be staying everynight. It does not bother me. I like having someone next to me. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it. I really just don't know. Any thoughts?

by Cooldad1973 108 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2009 3:02 PM

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Tags: new relationship

Answers for "Opinions please..." (7) (You must be logged in to answer)

Thanks for everyone's input. Spaz, I had similar thoughts as well. However, even though it has been a short time, she has never asked me for anything. She has paid on a few occasions while we were out. She does work full time (bartending/serving) while she is interviewing. We have a great connection and get along very well. I actually never thought I had a shot with this woman. She is nine years younger than me and extremely attractive. I really do like that she feels safe and comfortable with me enough to sleep at my house each night. We are going slow and really getting to know one another. This is all just so unexpected. I still have my reservations, but it seems she is making that wall crumble some. Thanks again for everyone's input.

by Cooldad1973 108 Posts
Posted on 6/25/2009 3:42 PM

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Ok, so she needs to get back on her feet - and that is why she is living with mom...problem I have with this is if she were a responsible person, she wouldn't have moved until she could afford to do it on her own - and who was supporting her before she came to mom's to the point she wouldn't have the money of her own to support herself? Is this a pattern in her past? Being taken care of by others instead of taking care of herself? Do you know her well enough to know any of this?

and are you just her next support person in line?

If you continue to let her stay at your house every night, you give her no reason to be motivated to do anything for herself.

I get that it is nice to have someone next to you, but I'd just hate for you to end up being a used by a sponge.

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2009 5:13 PM

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I am wondering if she is trying to spend time at your place because she doesn't want to be at her mother's? I hope that she is staying because she wants to be your friend and not that she is just trying to find another place to stay. Right now, it's probably too soon to tell but I think that you need to just take things slowly to see how things fall. I wish you the best, and if you are really not ready to get into a relationship with her, you need to make sure that she knows how you feel.

by deborah-trevino 1099 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2009 4:42 PM

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The only concern I would have if it were me is I would kinda feel like this person is setting themselves up to move in with me.

If this is something you don't want (and being fresh out of a marriage I couldn't imagine it would be something you would want), I would bring it up in a casual way. Not directed at her but just talking about yourself and your future. If you guys get on a "relationship" talk (not you two, just gen'l convo) just let her know then that you don't plan on co-habitating with anyone for a while.

But aside from that, no harm, no foul. If you're getting company out of it, then that's great. Just make sure you all are on the same playing field so to avoid future disappointments.

Best of luck.

by lifeinpurgatory 1830 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2009 4:29 PM

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It takes time, and the right person. Just try to be patient, and learn from each relationship as you go. There are those that would disagree with me, but I say over all we do better with others in our lives. For you, well that's a battle between your head and heart.

I wish you the best.

by Robert-Boyd 5134 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2009 4:07 PM

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Thanks RB. Unfortuately, I'm always worried about it being a sign of something bigger. I was burned pretty bad in my marriage but came out much better than most. Now, when I meet someone, I immediately think of this person being a stepmother to my kids. My kids come first. They come waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before me. Unfortuantely, my head still says "You are just better off being alone. You have your kids and have made a pretty nice life for them. They are all you need." My heart would like to have someone in my life. I keep trying for my heart. Unfortuantely, my head keeps winning.

by Cooldad1973 108 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2009 3:58 PM

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It's a little odd to me, but not red flag odd, just "huh, I'm not familliar with that " odd. Then again, there's a lot I'm not familliar with.

I think the important issue is one that you mentioned: "It does not bother me. I like having someone next to me." Honestly, if you're ok with it, and she's ok with it, isn't that all that matters?

Are you worried it might be a sign of something bigger? Maybe it is. The thing with most signs is that we don't notice them until it's too late, and so many times we're busy making up our own signs that limit our ability to enjoy the company of another human being. If you're both comfortable, relax, enjoy and see where this new relationship takes you.

by Robert-Boyd 5134 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2009 3:44 PM

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