My Son's Pain

After the 'Fair' on Sunday our son was happy and cheerful, which made me feel good. Yes, it was hard on Sunday for me to 'act' like a family but it brought him a little joy while at the same time he understood that mom and dad would never be together again.

Yesterday we were shopping and he started to talk about the 4th, where he's going on a trip with his mom to California to see her friends/family/boyfriend. He started to get very sad and withdrawn almost immediately, and I went down on one knee and looked him in the eye and said 'son..talk to dad, its okay.'

He opened up to me and said he remembered how much fun we used to have as a family on the past July 4th's. We were the family who blew off all the fireworks, played music, always did something really special in the neighborhood. I told him there will be new memories, and good memories, but just different now.

This is one of the ways that Divorce damages our children, or at least my child. While we teach them to look towards the future, the past is a constant reminder. This is when I feel that little tug at my 'pissed off' button. Congratulations honey, here's what your selfish behavior has bought for your son! Will he get better? Of course..we all do. Will he forget? Never.

by HurtInColorado 1139 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2009 9:48 AM

Get Alerts!

send to friend

Send to a friend

My Son's Pain on divorce360.com

E-mail: Separate multiple addresses with commas(,)

From (Your name) :

Your e-mail address:

0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Tags:

Answers for "My Son's Pain" (4) (You must be logged in to answer)

The aftermath of divorce, family-wise and emotionally, is similar I think to the bereavement traditionally associated with loss due to "true" or physical death. Offhand and from direct experience, the realization and full emotional impact of the death doesn't complete its circuit until about two years after the event. So those of us with kids, especially the bright older articulate ones, are maybe in for some rocky adjustment in Year Two. Year Three will be more settled for everyone.

It's a matter of time, patience, steady love. Feel good that you are the type of parent who meets your child immediately and at eye level and asks for clarity, conversation, the hard truth of his feelings. I'm praying it up for both of you, and all the rest of the parents and children suffering with divorce event. Praying it up, even, for the ones who initiated it. It will get better. You're handling it well; just keep doing that. *hugs you*

by felix7 463 Posts
Posted on 6/25/2009 8:42 AM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

I think this is where it is a benefit that the child is younger. You have plenty of time to establish new memories and make them happy. My kids are 16 and 20 and have that many years of holidays, birthdays, events, etc. that they compare the new ones to. This is the first year so it will be the most difficult, but they are so bitter towards their dad that I have to force them to call him, go to church with him, go to lunch etc. It's getting to the point where it takes too much effort. I try and stay positive but they don't want to be with their dad because of the infidelity. I have them in counseling, I try and encourage but kids are smart. They know...Hang in there hic. Love your son and keep encouraging him.

by flutterby 829 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2009 7:55 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Hic..yes he will remember but our jobs as parents is to make great memories in the future.. you will see that he will be happy. it will take time for this to happen but i promise it will happen.. he will always remember how things were but he will also remember the new memories that you make with him.. give him time to get used to the new stuff...he will be ok...

HUGS

cherbear

by cherbear 5182 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2009 7:54 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

I understand that the memories are sad right now for him. My kids are saying the same things. I don't agree that that damages the children. They will have new traditions and new memories, and as long as we are upbeat and positve, they will be too. I tell my children yes...that was fun, I'm glad we have those memories, but now we will have new ones.

Also, you are still a family and don't need to pretend anything. He still has a mom and dad (family) you just don't live together.

I think what damages the children more than anything is having parents that fight and disagree in front of the kids. Staying married for the sake of the kids is ridiculous...what a poor role model for a relationship. I can't imagine those memories were all that great, since you are divorcing and you hate her so much. Hate like that does not happen over night.

You should feel good that you are creating new memories and happy times right now.

by 5babemom 366 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2009 10:20 AM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Divorce360.com is not a substitute for advice from a lawyer, accountant, financial planner, therapist or other professional to obtain advice. Divorce360.com is not intended to, and should not, take the place of professional advice. The opinions expressed in the divorce360.com message boards are those of the author and the author alone. Divorce360.com does not endorse any specific product or service.