Today..is an angry day.

I think it's fine to vent anger here.  Maybe even healthy.  But I've read maybe 5 or 6 of your posts, Hic, and all I can see is your anger.  I suspect your anger is spilling over into the real world, too.
Has it occurred to you that everytime you think an angry thought about your wife it keeps you connected to her?  -to say nothing of the presence of anger in your actual dealings with her.  Ask yourself, why, if she's been so horrible to you, would you want to remain emotionally connected to her?
You have to co-parent with her, but your son is the only reason for your relationship now.  You can have an angry relationship or one that resembles a distant/business relationship.  Which do you think is better for your son?  
Ironically, if you are the one who has the most anger -not hearing from your wife I can only assume you are, then you are in the best position to dictate the way the two of you will relate to each other.  But trust me, if you anger continues for too long, the opportunity to interact in any other way with your wife  (and maybe others) will begin to disappear.

I don't think it's up to you to exact retribution from her for "what she did" to your family.

This is where you're stone cold, dead wrong.

Dear HIC,
It takes 2 to tango! Your continual denial of any part your played in the demise of your marriage is a poison to your life. SHE destroyed the marriage, SHE walked out on you, SHE did this, SHE did that!!
That is your mantra. Maybe they will engrave it on your tombstone. Wake up, man! Everyday that you waste your thoughts on her is one more day she steals from you. If SHE is really as bad as you say... then stop harping on HER!!
I am so sick of how many times you complain about HER. Maybe you need to MAN-UP and take care of your son and stop blaming someone else for all of your problems. I bet if you work on getting past this that you will see that life has so much to offer and you have so much to offer the world.
The first step is to let go, to forgive and move on.
I tell myself all the time.... I can change myself.. others I can only love. We are all responsible for our own actions. Stop using the cop out of how she keeps doing all this stuff to you. It is sad and you are degrading yourself!

What Misu and Anabella said is just what I was going to say.  The best "revenge" is for you to move forward and succeed!  Be healthy and start planning a new life with your son.  A friend sent me this quote because I was obsessing about reconciliation and my stbxh could care less: 

Never allow someone to be your Priority while allowing yourself to be their Option.

You are putting too much energy into a person/situation that doesn't deserve it.  Start doing things that you deserve.  She knows she is pushing your buttons.  Don't allow it.  I understand the whole retribution thing believe me.  I could go on and on about it.  But there comes a time when you need to move on.  The next meeting you have be as sweet as can be, make her wonder what's going on.  Be unavailable when she calls, it'll get her thinking.

You are expecting WAY too much from your ex. I only mean that you expect her to take a moment to consider your feelings and how her actions affect(ed) you and how you feel. This is not going to happen. It is so hard, but coming to terms with the fact that she dont give a sh** about what she did and how she did it is necessary. She pushes your buttons on purpose - to continue to punish you for her own, spiteful pleasure. Dont let her!!!!!!  When you stop letting her get to you, she will start to wonder what happened. Not getting a rise/reaction out of you is the best revenge! Because it means, you dont give a sh** anymore. Please focus on ignoring her. Believe me, I know its hard, but you have to not let her control you by evoking a response. Her actions will continue to erode you and eat away at you day and night until you cant function. You have to take back control by not responding to her.

I know all about anger. Believe me. Its been over a year for me as well, and today I woke up all kinds of angry.  Today is one of those days I feel I'm never going to get over the fact he cheated, he kicked me out, abandoned me, and took everything I worked so hard for, including moving in his now new-wife into the house I designed, had built, and helped pay for, with the pool I designed, enjoying their life. Believe me when I tell you, I'm super angry that he can have this amazingly happy life with a new partner, while I sit and stew in my mother's house because the economy is so bad, I can't find a job. That my car is about to get repo'd because I've run out of money.

I know about anger.

But you have a child.  This need of yours to get payback - that is what is killing you, hun.  As spaz stated, the only way you would get any type of closure out of retribution for the destruction of your marriage - which you have admitted to also having a hand in as well - is if your ex wife actually cared.  By all accounts, she doesn't seem to care about you. But she seems to care about your son, and is trying to work with you.  You aren't letting her do that, though, because you're stuck. You're angry, you want justice.

But what you think you need in order to feel vindicated, isn't going to make you feel better, at all. The best vindication, is to get over it, and move on.  Do to her what she did to you - make her insignificant in your heart. 

Calm down Spaz, I have no intention of retaliation.

Every night I say a prayer that she is doing well in her life, and that she will find happiness.  Perhaps this Karma will affect the situation and lessen the impact on our son.  The road to my own forgivness is through helping others, even if it means praying for her.

Uh, wow.

I think something in this thread of responses must have gone completely over my head.

And your therepist understands that your son is acting out in dangerous ways and still supports your strategy of revenge on your ex at all costs?   Wow.

um....apparently you missed the boat on that blog I wrote to HBP and the ensuing back & forth that transpired & what I revealed to everyone....perfect marriage - hardly.

Not to mention, I've seen over and over again what happens to kids when a parent is, and stays, in the place you are in now...they go from needing a family lawyer, to a criminal one....or worse, a coroner.

Are you interested in going to court when it comes down to an argument about what to do with your son's remains? It can, and has, happened - parents have driven their kids to kill themselves over their constant conflict.

What kind of parent would you be if you put your unhealthy desire for retribution over the welfare of your son? What ever you do to her (and vice versa) trickles down to him...you have seen it first hand already - wait until he gets bigger stronger & smarter...you have only seen the tip of the iceberg - it is your job as a parent to keep the meltdown from happening - not accelerate it.

 

I have no choice Spaz.  She has destroyed our marriage, and there is retribution to be had.  Why can't you understand that basic thought process?  You have a perfect marriage, you've never been where most of us are now, so how can you possibly understand our emotions?

retribution? HIC, in her mind, and quite frankly, all it takes is one in a couple to find it over for it to be, your relationship was "destroyed" long before divorce was filed. It takes a whole lot of crap to get to the point where someone says enough, I want out.

 

Here's the thing - it isn't like it is in the movies, In order to get revenge/retibution/your due/whatever you want to call it - the person who you want to "get" still has to give a shit enough about you for it to matter. If they don't all you end up doing is looking like even more of an asshole and an idiot than they thought in the first place.

 

This happens to be where you are....she is done with you - and the more of a jackass you act like to try to illicit some response out of her to get what you want, only gives her more reason not to.

 

What happened between the two of you, doesn't matter anymore, that was a year, actually MORE than a year ago - your focus needs to get off of what you want, and get more to what your son needs....which, ultimately HIC, is for you to come to terms with the fact you aren't going to get what you want as far as a "confession of all sins" as it were.

If she was going to, it would have happened by now. Your marriage doesn't matter anymore, her focus is now on your son. Time for you to get on the same page.

So Spaz, there is no retribution for destroying a family? Why shouldn't I continue to fight for what I think is right?

"We had an appointment today to discuss our son...."

but all you can focus on is you...why you are angry, why she won't take responsibility for what you are angry about....

 

she has a valid point HIC, she owes you no explanation, no validation for how you feel or what she has chosen to do - "it is what it is" - one of these days you are going to have to get that through your head - and the sooner the better, for your son's sake.

She hasn't emotionally abandoned your son - she hasn't abandoned him one bit - she parents differently that you do, but the only thing she has truly "abandoned" is her marriage to you, and as an adult, you can find ways to deal with it and move on.

You do that, and you will see an improvement in your son.

 

 

T - well, I can't tell you anything about the physical abuse.  My STBX was physically abusive to me on a couple of occasions, but I was also mentally abusive back to her.  Now, we're knee-deep in fighting and she has told me to be 'kind' to her. ( I chuckle at this one, since she wanted the divorce and emotionally abandoned me and our son).

I would recommend therapy for both of you on how to deal with the anger, since its going to negatively affect your child!

HIC,
Thank you for the response.  We tried counseling four years before we separated.  He said it did nothing and he did not want some woman (counselor)  telling him what to do.  I was no saint, mind you, and continued to go thinking it would help even if just I went.  ...  I found out quickly it takes two to make it work.  So I quit going and decided to refocus on my husband without help.  Yes, he was very intimatating...I hesitate to say abusive.... I guess he was, a couple of times (physically) but I allowed him to be manipulative in other ways.  After I walked in on him and a "friend" I decided that I did not want to stick around any more.  A switch went off in my head and I calmly asked him to leave.  He said he wanted therapy first, but I was over it.  He moved out 6 months later.  Only after I told him that I was fine with out him, and that I wasn't going to take him back, did he get angry with me.  That was the last time I got bruised from him, but I did not let it stop me.   When he lost control of me, he became angry all the time and it has never changed.  He does not answer if I call, I have had to use my daughter's phone so that he will pick up (this was there was a medical emergency and he refused to pick up the phone).  He will only respond to emails if he feels like it...etc....  I feel for the guy...  It can't be healthy to be like that.

Tiny,

Did you try and go to therapy prior to leaving your marriage? Was he abusive/you abusive? Five years is a long time to hold on to anger, however its not uncommon.

He's hurt due to the rejection and pain and loss.  He blames you (and I'm sure you have your own blame) for destroying his family.

I see this alot.  My ex has been "angry" for years.  Its been five years.  Get over it.  Quit worrying about me and get yourself together...  that's my thought.
Can I ask, why you are so mad?  This is not to pick a fight, but it might help me understand and better communicate with my ex.  Yes, I have moved on...have a wonderful life, and he wallows in his anger. It's counterproductive and the kids are feeling it now too.  I know I can not change him - but maybe understanding why he would choose to hold on to the bitterness for so long would help.
Thanks, Tiny

Monsters from the Id...Forbidden Planet movie fans will get the reference...old sci-fi flick w/ Leslie Nielsen.  More recent update on the theme was the movie Sphere.  Iam nailed it...they're monsters that come from our fears and frustrations, and they can be overcome.

The monster within you...hmmmm...maybe you can give Lou Ferrigno a call?  I'm sure he could use the money... :)

Seriously, though, do your best to deal with today, tomorrow is another.  I hope that once the custody issues are hammered out, the assets divided, and the divorce is final, this bloody war can end and you and your stbx can both move on from this and start healing.  Hang in there...you'll get through it, I know.

I think that sometimes our partners who want to get out of the marriage are in such an anxious hurry to start over that they don't stop and think about what they have done to us or how we are left behind, or how we are feeling....they only think about themselves and are quick to want to move on.  Time is the only thing that can heal you and everyone heals in their own timing. It's okay to feel angry today. I know that one day, you will get past how bad you feel, but you need to take that time to heal. I wish you all the best.

I'm all for merriment. Even in the face of monstrosity.

This will all get much better once your custody situation is settled. Always remember that we have a choice in what we feel, what we focus on. Counter the angry with beauty, kindness both to self and outward, gratitude for what you've got, and with calibrating your own goals and desires.

There's so much more life to be lived, to be loved. I know this situation hurts you deeply and you think it might go on forever. Keep your court schedules in mind occasionally: this does have an end date. The feelings will lessen, and pass. Move through them with awareness and then let them go, with both hands. *hugs you*

Sounds like you are beating a dead horse...sorry you 2 have problems...I know how it is also....sometimes we just have to move on and "Let it Fade"....and just focus on your relationship with your son....some people are very hard to deal with, best thing you can do is...."go your merry way also".

We create our own monsters.  That means we can vanquish them, too.  Listen, young Grasshopper!  She can't fix you.  Only you can fix you. 

HIC, sounds like she is a lost cause. The fact that she can't take responsibilty for anything goes to show that she has issues. Just take care of you and your son, that is all that is important right now. ((((((hugs)))))