Visitation Schedule -is there an ideal?

I have been separated for 10 months now. Our relationship had dried up about two years prior -and we never really loved each other as much as we needed to. I initiated the separation because I am in love with someone else.

I was the primary care giver for my two boys (2.5 and 5.5). I am in child education and own my own business so I was able to spend alot of time with my kids. Our separation is extremely angry -the bulk of the anger comes from her (I have received 600 text/emails in the last 10 months calling me every name in the book and insulting every aspect of me, my family and my friends).

My wife still lives in the house with the children. Over the past 10 months she has whittled away at the amount of time I am able to spend with the children and I have conceded to avoid subjecting the children to her anger ("Your dad is a bad man" "Your dad has made our lives hell" -said in front of the children).

I now see them Monday after school, Wed. after school and Saturday from noon to bedtime (every other Saturday they spend the night with me).

She sent me a draft property settlement agreement. offering Monday from 3:00-7:00, alternating Friday/Saturday overnights. No Xmas eve or morning, no Thxgiving, no 4th of July. I won't even get into the financial side.

I responded asking to add every Wednesday overnight, one week in summer, one week in Winter and alternating Xmas eve/day and the rest of the holidays.

I honestly don't know if this is the best for the kids short term, but I do know that this arrangement would allow me to be and do what I believe makes me a contributing father and not just a visitor (dinner, homework, downtime, -not just funtime dad).

I'd like some thoughts.

by Teetering 13 Posts
Posted on 6/15/2009 1:19 PM

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Answers for "Visitation Schedule -is there an ideal?" (6) (You must be logged in to answer)

I have been seeing a therapist for 8 months. I have asked my wife to go for herself and I have asked her to go for the kids. She has seen a child therapist now twice but won't tell me her name or give me her number. She claims that this therapist has advised her to remove me from her and the children's lives. While I believe she has seen a therapist, I find this advice hard to believe.
That's 2 people who have said that 50/50 visitation is what the children need. Doesn't shuffling around between 2 houses make a child more stressed? It's such a big question.
And my girlfriend, eventhough she already knows my sons very well, has not seen them since we began our relationship. I will re-introduce her when the time is right for them. In the meantime, my children are being introduced to my wife's new boyfriend almost every week.

by Teetering 13 Posts
Posted on 6/17/2009 8:28 PM

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Lisa Cannon
Divorce Coach
571 Posts

I hope you have counseled with an attorney. These are questions you should be asking one. This site is great for support, but you need real legal advice to protect both yourself and your kids.

Aside.. I am a relationship counselor... Have you or their mother gotten the kids into therapy yet? They are not too young. They can interact with an appropriate child therapist through media like art, then talk about what they draw to elicit feelings. They are too small to understand what is happening, but not to small to suffer trauma as a result of this vicious split. I would suggest that if it is at all possible, you and your STBX could go to family counseling together with the kids. That would provide the best solution. I don't know if she would be agreeable, but it would be optimal. If she is unwilling, you would be wise to seek counseling for yourself.

Either way, the best solution for your children would be joint custody which would give you half the time with your children. I would guess that they miss you all the time and would love to spend more time with you. A note: they don't want to spend time with your lover. Spend time alone with them during this very stressful time. They will resent the attention you give your lover that could have come to them during your visits.

Good luck. http://holistic-counselor.blogspot.com/

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by Lisa Cannon
Posted on 6/17/2009 1:42 AM

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It's hard for me to determine if what I want is in the best interests of my children. I have read that the every 3 day thing is difficult for children and absolutely requires a good relationship with the co-parent. My wife has told me specifically that she will never cooperate with me on the children.
Problem is, we've been operating for 9 months with her as the main provider and me as support. Is the precedent we have set going to be difficult to overcome if we go to court?

by Teetering 13 Posts
Posted on 6/16/2009 6:40 PM

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If you really truely love your children, do not give in for sake of keeping the peace with the ex. It is not worth it. My current husband did that. His ex has pushed him so far out of the children's lives that they call their step-father "daddy". She is now trying to move out of state with the children. I don't know what state you are in but I'm in Florida and we have a set visitation schedule for my county. If you agree to anything other than the guidelines, make sure it is for more visitation, not less.

by LadyFalcon 4 Posts
Posted on 6/15/2009 3:05 PM

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Don't cave. Your kids need you just as much as they need her.

by greengrass 113 Posts
Posted on 6/15/2009 2:16 PM

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Even your counterproposal doesn't give you much time. My kids are 3.5 and 5.5, and my therapist advised me that young kids really need to see both parents at least every three days in order to maintain their relationships with them. We're sharing custody 50/50, with the kids going back and forth every 2-3 days. The kids seem to be thriving. I'm fortunate to have a pretty good working partnership with my ex, though, and no third party involved in ending the marriage.

Conceding time with your kids in hopes of keeping your wife from making negative comments about you doesn't seem like a winning strategy to me. She needs to know how damaging those remarks are for the kids, and you need time to maintain your relationship with the kids. Can you work together with a counselor or similar to find a solution?

How much time with your kids do you really want?

by kmar 22 Posts
Posted on 6/15/2009 1:55 PM

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