Its not fair!!! Men - Need your input!

Lifes not fair. Right?Ok, I know its cliche. My HB (36) and I separated, Next thing you know he is serial sexing and has ended up hooking an 18 year old. Now, he's acting like a teenager running around town and talking like one.Here I am, a very attractive, fit, professional woman and mother of 2 boys. I wake. Sleep. Eat. Take care of them. Clean house. Work. Pay Bills. Laundry. Handle all of life's little messes. Tending to the sick, fevers, vomit and emotional roller coaster that the situation has affected on my children. Comforting the little ones. Day and Night. Loving every moment that I have with my children and treasuring the good, the bad and the ugly. Thankful that, at least, I have them. Sacrificing my social life because now is NOT the right time for one. But, feeling so alone. Sad. And really peeved that he would make no effort to overcome a SA/porn addiction or to make an effort to save the marriage. Leaving me, to pick up the pieces of the life and world we shared that he shattered without a second thought.I havent been kissed since January!!!!!! Havent been hugged by a man over the age of 18 since January. Geesh. Who new it....but a little action would feel reaaaallllll nice right about now!Meanwhile, across the tracks, my HB is strutting around town like a tom cat in heat, enjoying candle lit dinners, snuggling on the couch with his 18 year old girlfriend, writing cutesy little love texts back and forth like a crazed teenager, going out dancing and drinking til late, seeing movies at the theater, hanging out with friends, playing golf, working out, and just plain enjoying himself.I know I am better off without him. No, I dont want him back. I know my children deserve better. But I dont get it. He replaced me and our family with a new one. He treats us like crap. He serial dates but has a "steady" 18 year old girlfriend to keep him warm at night (when she's allowed out past curfew that is....heehee).I feel like its so not fair. Why does he enjoy himself and have no pain while I am the one who hurts and who has to suffer watching my children hurt because of him???Its not fair!!!!!!! Its just not right!!!! Sorry guys, but there are alot of men ditching their wives and turning to a bachelor life with younger women. Im mad about that. Im hot! Im a good mom!! I was a good wife and I loved my HB. Yes, I would not put up with his SA/porn, lying and other issues. So, HE just sabotages the marriage then goes out and replaces me with a younger model. Nice.
Whats up with that????
Guys???
Any Thoughts from your perspective?Ladies, I know what he is up to, my teenager knows, my friends know, our family knows. Yet, it is like watching a train wreck that you cant stop.
Why does he not see how many people he is using/hurting??
Oh, and why is it that our friends and family refuse to say anything to him even though they are all very upset and disgusted by his behavior. Its like no one but me wants him accountable!
Just venting......grrrrrrrrrrr!!!

by AnaBella72 193 Posts
Posted on 6/10/2009 10:29 PM

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Tags: life , custody , divorce , fair , stress , emotions , venting ,

Answers for "Its not fair!!! Men - Need your input!" (8) (You must be logged in to answer)

I don't get it either. How can he forget all of our time together? Why can't he at least talk to me? He hangs up the phone when I call. He never said why he left. I'm never going to know for sure, although I have theories.

It hurts because I loved him. I know he loved me. He cried a lot before he left. But now I think he's being this way because it's easier for him to demonize me than to face up to what he's done. He could never accept responsibility for himself or his actions. I have no idea what he's thinking or saying, but am sure that he's managed to somehow blame me, even though I had no clue he was leaving until the day he walked out and he hasn't told me since.

Maybe yours wants to blame you, or he wants to forget about you and the kids because that way he doesn;'t have to feel guilty for the mess he made. I don't know, just a thought.

by bluebird 1158 Posts
Posted on 6/11/2009 1:31 PM

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I feel the same way you do, only my stbx is with an older woman. It still sucks.

I'm still having a hard time with this, but the split was over a year ago for me so I'm further along. Still, he simply replaced me with another person and his life didn't otherwise change. Mine turned upside down. It's a total mess.

About 4 months out I started dating. Now I'm the one with the young boyfriend with the body of a god. It took him 5 weeks to talk me into going out with him. I also dated a lot of other men before him.

It doesn't solve everything. I still have a lot of bad days but it is getting better. Sometimes I can't function. Others I'm on top of the world. All in all I'm happier, I just wish I had a plan for my life. I'm sure he doesn't give me a second thought and that hurts, too. I try not to think of him but it's hard.

by bluebird 1158 Posts
Posted on 6/11/2009 1:27 PM

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Thanks for your input. Let me just clarify, Im not "jealous" of my HB freedom and I am not wishing that I could go out and act single. Absolutely not. I absolutely LOVE and adore being home with my children because this is where, a mom at age 37, I belong. Im just disappointed in him. That he can be so cavalier about our marriage, as if neither I nor our children count in the equation. I guess I am naive, but I just dont get it. Dont worry, I plan to move on and am headed in that direction. Just venting. Its only been a few months and there is ALOT of garbage that he threw in my path on his way out that I have to clear out of my way and out of my kids way before we can walk without fear of tripping over something. Thanks

by AnaBella72 193 Posts
Posted on 6/11/2009 1:23 PM

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Anabella, while I do agree with what the other's have posted here and they have given you god advice, I know how you are feeling as well as I am seeing it from the male perspective ... my Ex cheated on me with a married man which destroyed our marriage ... I received the short end of the stick in the divorce and am paying her alimony while she has gone out, bought an expensive sports car, lives in a luxury apartment and still sees her married b/f while I am left paying the bills she wracked up during our marriage.
I agree life is not fair but I am doing my best to focus on myself and forget about her.
You are a wonderful lady and I am sure, in time, you will meet someone special, who will wipe away all these bad memories.

by canary1922 355 Posts
Posted on 6/11/2009 12:27 PM

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I couldn't agree more with what the others have said. Yes, it totally sucks that he's out on the town while you're stuck at home with the kids when you'd like nothing better than to be doing what he's doing...but you said it yourself...YOU are the one who is being with the kids and taking the good with the bad. He may be having fun now, but he won't have those memories when he realizes what he's giving up. Worse yet, he's setting himself up to sabotage his relationship with his children...he might not care now, but he might just start regretting it when he's 80, retired and nobody to take care of him and wonders why he doesn't have a relationship with his kids and grandkids. That's what they call Karma :)

You, otoh, are doing the right thing. Don't look at his grab for instant gratification as something to be coveted. And this isn't a race to see who gets over whom first. You go at your pace and concentrate on you...don't worry about him and who he's catting around with. If he can't appreciate you for who you are and what you have to offer, then he's the one losing out. Now is the time to sit down and figure out what you want out of life, set goals, start healing, and get to work on attaining those goals. If you don't feel you're ready to date, then don't. If you feel you want to start testing those waters, then do what AdamD suggests...hire a sitter for the night and go out and have fun...wear something that makes you feel sexy, go out, flirt, have a good time!

When the time is right, and you've healed, you WILL find a man who is looking for all those qualities that you have...just do yourself a favor...don't settle for less than what you want and deserve! If you are true to yourself and accept nothing less than that, I guarantee you will be, in the end, happier than your HB...and you WILL have the last laugh. I wish you luck in your quest...keep us posted!

by BlueB 2982 Posts
Posted on 6/11/2009 9:04 AM

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I completely agree with the others!!! You have to stop fucosing on him!! He's not your problem anymore, so stop wasting your precious time, and focus on you and your own happiness. I know its hard when you have been tied to one person for so long, and yes having children makes it even more difficult. But do your best to keep him off your mind. A new time in your life has arrive! Embrass it and open as many possibilities for yourself as you can. Go take a pole dancing class lol or maybe just a cooking class if your a little more conservative, but take some time for you!! Get a babysitter for friday night, go buy yourself a sexy little black dress and ask out the hot guy at gym doing hundreds of situps :)

by AdamD 4 Posts
Posted on 6/11/2009 8:30 AM

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I'm thinking that you're probably the "responsible" one in the relationship.

Sucks don't it?

But here's the deal. If you're expecting him to feel bad, or step away from the 18 y.o. don't count on it. His ego is in overdrive. Hers too for that matter.

The best thing you can do for yourself is become unaffected. See, the best revenge is living a good life. Chances are pretty good that they aren't spending much time wondering about how you feel about all this - so you shouldn't waste your time thinking about them.

If you're as hot as you say you are, I'm sure you won't have any problems finding someone to help you along. I'm the responsible one too.... eventually you find someone who finds that trait pretty damn sexy and appreciates it.

Good luck!

by HereIgo 756 Posts
Posted on 6/10/2009 10:51 PM

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1. Focus on you, not on him. He runs around and acts like an ass, its not your problem anymore. You are better than that. Fake it till you make it. Yea, it sucks, but that's it.

2. You married below your caste. Face it. There are better men out there, men who are looking for women who can do all the things you can (work is a plus) and still enjoy the peace that comes with good sex and fantastic conversation. We exist, so don't give up hope.

3. Eyes on the prize. Distractions are everywhere, but focus...again...on you.

by HurtInColorado 1139 Posts
Posted on 6/10/2009 10:39 PM

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