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My wife has never grown up and 15 years later nothing has changed

We are married 13 years. I am 51 and she is 43. When we got married, I was only making modest money and we really needed two incomes to make our bills. But, she was over 30 and wanted to have a baby right away. I told her that she would have to go back to work and she said sure. So within 18 months of our wedding my now 11 year old daughter was born.

My daughter is the light of my life and I love her very much. I have been a very involved father and have spent all of my free time with my family, but especially with my daughter.

After going back to work for 1 month, my wife decided that she couldn't bear to be parted from the baby during the day and quit her job. We started going into debt from that day.

After my daughter turned 2 1/2, my wife decided that she wanted to be an elementary school teacher. BTW, she has both a BA and a Master degree. So, she started teaching as a sub in the local school district here in S CA and after a year, went back to school to get her teaching credential. She got her credential after 5 years of taking 1 or 2 classes per semester; this was 3 years ago. So, in total she has been a part time substitute for 9 years after spending 2 1/2 years as a stay at home Mom.

l have worked my ass off and as a result, in the last 6 years, my career has progressed. However, we still owe substantial credit card bills which I have not been to pay down on 1 income.

My wife has not been able to get a full time teaching job, and with the current economic situation, it does not look like it is going to happen. Also, the fact that she is now 43 has an effect on her chances as well, I think.

I have asked her to come to terms with what I understand is a very disappointing situation, and to look for a full time job outside of teaching. We can no longer (really never could) do without the income that she could contribute.

Her response has been that she is not willing to "reinvent herself" again and (this is really precious), that if she has to get a job outside of teaching, she would rather leave me.

To leave me, she would move from S Calif to live with her parents out of state. They are in their mid 60s but still working, are pretty well off and have a 4 bedroom house. (They have told her that she could do this - have said so for years). She would live with them rent free, and would really have no incentive to become independant because the child support and alimony would be more than she would need for any expenses she would have.

So, does anyone have any good advice to offer? To close, let me say that:

1. I don't do drugs or drink.

2. I am not physically abusive (although I am obviously pissed off and have tried to discuss these and other issues with her many times, at various volume levels).

3. I have never cheated on her (even though our sex life is non-existent).

4. We have gone to 3 different marriage counselors over the years. We have been to the current one since March. My wife's major complaint is that I'm not nice to her.

Please don't offer insults or observations on my lack of judgement. Constructive advice only please. Thanks.

by davidp 2 Posts
Posted on 6/7/2009 11:18 PM

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Tags: immature , dependant , child

Answers for "My wife has never grown up and 15 years later nothing has changed" (7) (You must be logged in to answer)

Thanks for your responses. Briefly, I had $2K in credit card debt (and no other debt) when we married; hers was about $5K (she was working at the time, although her parents had bought her car and paid for gas and insurance). I have not been able to get her to stick to any budget - nor to have any reponsibility for financial affairs - it is all on me. She shops at Target and Walmart, but manages to spend more than we can afford year after year. We live a small rented house, both drive older used cars with no notes. We live in LA, where housing costs a lot, especially since to live where you can send your kid to a public school that is good, everything is much higher. The substitute teaching nets about $8,000 a year (summers off). This year was worse, the year before better. Also, she didn't work at all for 2 1/2 years - we were short every month and I was juggling bills for all I was worth.

I have checked and she definitely can take my daughter out of state. It is settled law here in California. The interest of the child (not those of the non-custodial parent) take precedence. Also, her parents have $$$ for lawyers - I would never be able to keep up.

Last thing - unless I am "nice" to her (take care of all the adult responsibilities without burdening her with the consequences of her choices, and with a "I'm so happy just to be with you" attitude) she says that I am the most miserable unhappy person that ever lived and that she won't let me drag her down too, and why would she want to have sex with me? I have worked hard to cope and to put things aside to "just live for today". It works for a while, but never long enough apparently. Also, I am about 5th on her list of people she cares about behind my daughter, her parents, and her friends. Enough for now. I expect that most will say that we are done, but I have not been able to reconcile being out of my daughter's life.

Does anyone know of someone who overcame something similar? Thanks.

by davidp 2 Posts
Posted on 6/8/2009 2:22 PM

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Just a few questions. Did she bring debt into the marriage, because you said before you married her you were only making modest money and needed her income? Were you financially stable before you got married or did you have a lot of credit card debt of your own? Did she have a lot of debt?
Also, arguing and fighting over finances or anything else on continuing basis can really have a powerful affect on your sex life.
But in defense of you, I could not sit home and watch my husband struggle to make ends meet and do nothing to help out. I had children. I had to have babysitters. I had to work. That's what it took to survive and since marriage is a partnership, I felt willing to do whatever it took to make it but I can't speak for anyone else because our circumstances are all just a little different.
Somehow I think there is much more to your post than is being said here and now.
Good Luck.

by Kay46514 229 Posts
Posted on 6/8/2009 9:32 AM

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I could not imagine being in my 40's and living with my parents. I am 38 and living with them, while finishing up my schooling. I can't wait to get out of here and have a place of my own!

Sounds like, yeah, she hasn't truly grown up. That's very sad, especially for your daughter. I was married for 15 years to a man who never grew up, so I feel your pain. It's like living with Peter Pan. It's cute at first and gets very old very quickly. Sounds like her parents have had a huge part in her issues.

You tried councelling and she seems to have gotten nothing out of it. Sounds like you have done what you could. Let her go, but she can't take your daughter. I don't know, but that may stop her dead for awhile.

BTW- I see no need to criticize anything here about you. We all go into our marriages thinking we married one person and end up with another. The best advice I have is take the lessons learned here and apply them to your life. Tough times are the best teachers!

by Dactyl 2606 Posts
Posted on 6/8/2009 9:27 AM

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1) She cannot move out of state. No if's about it. So you are relatively safe there. Inform her she can move but will not be taking your daughter.

2) Alimony? How much can you possibly afford?

3) Age has nothing to do with teaching. She will find a job eventually.

Have you guys tried counseling.

by vlady 2119 Posts
Posted on 6/8/2009 9:03 AM

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Have you perhaps sat down and made a budget to see if there are any luxuries that you can cut since she doesn't seem to want to help out? Is she still doing the part-time thing? Maybe if you were to cut the bills, sign up with a good electric bill carrier with good rates, cut the phone and cable, that kind of thing, she might get the hint to start helping out more, also coupons for groceries? That would be my first thoughts...you may have already done this and if you have, that's good. Could she possibly look for a teaching job in another school district that's still close by? I don't see why she doesn't want to help you on this, after all, a marriage is both of you working together to make things work. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

by deborah-trevino 1099 Posts
Posted on 6/8/2009 8:40 AM

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I agree with angel. No matter how much money you make you can always spend more. Look at the Duchess of York, Fergie. She went in debt $6 million on income from being a royal.

Your house payment should be no more than 25% of take home (after tax) pay. Your car should cost no more than 2 months salary. Your house should cost no more than 2.5 times yearly income. Your food and eating out should be no more than 10% of take home pay. You don't spend anything on entertainment or clothes until after you pay house, car, utilities and food. If you can make all of these basic necessities on your income and she wants more, then she needs to earn extra income.

Why no sex life? This was a huge problem for me in my marriage. He didn't want sex. I don't know why he left, but he refused to talk about it and it caused a lot of problems. We were roommates. She could have that with her parents, plus plenty of income without working, so why would she remain married to you? I'm wondering if this is what she's thinking.

by bluebird 1158 Posts
Posted on 6/8/2009 8:17 AM

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Hi, my first thoughts are financial counceling? just my own personal opinion here but her working part time doesnt really seem to be the problem. i would guess more that maybe you are living beyond your means of income? and can i ask what are the reasons your sex life is non existant? that alone can rip a marriage apart. has the marriage counceling done any good or resolved any of your issues?

by c_angel 3 Posts
Posted on 6/8/2009 3:37 AM

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