Why Why Why Why WHY!!! Why did this happen to me!?

I was asked that question recently by a very dear friend. It made me consider some recent posts here about why divorce happens when the other person has no clue there is even a problem. You went into your marriage with bright eyes, full of shining hope for decades of a fulfilling life, enjoying porch swings with your grand babies and back yard barbeques, holding hands even as you enter your twilight years together.

You marry the one person you think is going to be there for the rest of you life. The guy/girl you thought would never cheat, never leave....until they did.

Now you wonder why this happened, what you did that was so horrible it wasn't worth sticking around for, will you be alone the rest of your life because of this? Are you doomed now to a life alone, no one to hold your hand in the twilight years?

No. The answer to all of it is no. It's not you, not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of the other person. The reasons are myriad, some worse than others, some that just plain make NO sense.

I want to tell you something, some food for thought, if you will. It's what I told my friend, and what I believe in my bones, from having lived my life and learned first hand.

I went to high school with a guy, and we hung around the same group of people, but did not know each other very well really. I was the quiet one ------ *waits for them to get over the shock* -- yes me, quiet. That is the chief thing people from years ago say they remember about me. I was always so damn quiet. I watched everyone, and when spoken to I would respond but rarely outspoken like I am now.

Anyway, my guy friend Eddie - a few years ago a mutual friend from HS made a myspace page for the alumni to try to reconnect with some of those old friends, and Eddie and I began building a friendship after 15 years of "acquaintance." I think it was around the time I was pregnant with my daughter, can't remember too well. But our conversations got pretty deep, especially when detailing our memories of high school, how our perceptions changed over time, how our experiences shaped our views on life now, and love.

He revealed he had always had a crush on me, and wanted to ask me out badly back then. I told him "Oh Eddie, I wouldn't have known how to deal with you. I wouldn't have known how to handle you, and I certainly wouldn't have been able to appreciate the gift of you that you could offer to any girl." I had no clue back then - and some may debate whether I do now either but it's irrelevant to my point.

My point is, had I not lived my life exactly as I have, had the things that happened NOT happened just as they did, I would not know how truly wonderful Eddie is, both as a friend and confidant. He is truly remarkable, in every way. Super intelligent, dedicated soldier, and such depth of character - and yes I would have treated him like shit. Not intentionally, but through simple ignorance of what a blessing he would be in someone's life.

And so I told my friend: This is a trial by fire for you. Steel is stronger when forged in fire, and it hurts like hell now, but this is temporary, and in some ways, necessary. Everything happens for a reason I believe. I believe it in my bones. You did not cause the failure of your marriage, and you are NOT going to be alone for the rest of your life. I promise you there will come a day, will come someone in your life who will need the compassion and street smarts that you now have, having lived through this and come out through the other side of it.

Had you not been going through this, you would not be able to offer this potential mate what they need. The realistic, if slightly jaded, side, the compassion for losing everything you thought would be yours till death and beyond. You will be in the extremely unique position to also appreciate the treasure that this man will be in your life. Had you NOT experienced such pain, such discord, and such complete idiocy from your stbx, how else would you know just how truly remarkable this future mate is going to be for you? And he WILL come, mark my words.

As a friend, you are now in the position to help someone else in your life, you may not even know yet, to realize they too can survive this.

To appreciate the good, you need to suffer the pain. I know it sounds cliche and trite, but I believe this. In the same way we can taste a saltine cracker and enjoy it, but if we had not been starving at some point in our lives, would we ever really know how to appreciate having that simple blessing of food?

I don't believe God gives us pain and suffering without cause, and indeed I don't believe God makes us suffer through anything. People have free choice and sometimes those choices hurt others who love them. Intentionally or not, it still hurts. But I DO believe God can turn ANYTHING into a blessing. He can use any and everything to bring about a tremendous blessing in someone else's life, by using our experiences and bringing the people into each other's lives when they need those blessings most.

I guess in all this rambling, what I'm trying to say is, don't look at it as a reflection of you, or as a failure on your part. I absolutely believe there will be someone else in your life, and because of what you've gone through now, you will be impeccably suited to not only give them what they need, but be able to truly appreciate the good that comes from them, because you've had the sucky part already, you've been through the pain already. You have a much more keen understanding of what it means to have someone good with you, after having survived the bad.

Just my mid-sunday thoughts - back to filling up the harry potter room under the stairs.

Peace.