Need words of wisdom from those who have been 'left'....and still wanted to be married.

I thought I had something after a reconciliation..turned out to be a farce.
We have been separated for 2 years now and like you some days go by fine while others especially the weekends are terrible. I find that when I have people around to keep me preoccupied I am fine but on the weekends when people are doing things with their spouses it is hard and that is when I start to think of the things I thought we had. I have reached a point though were when I start thinking of certain instances I get really angry and think "screw him" though there are those times when I think well maybe if I did this or maybe if I did that things would have turned out differently. The entire time knowing what was once there will never be there again.
It is a battle that we have to face and for better or worse we will get over it. Time heals all wounds but this one takes longer...a lot longer for some than others. I think it depends on how long the relationship was and how long the turmoil was there but for those that did not realize things were rocky it may take longer.

Think about the last year.  Think about how you've been treated.  Think about him moving on so quickly.

Once you do that, you're going to begin to realize that you don't miss him.  You miss what you thought you had.....

He's the one who lost someone who truly loved him, not you.  That being said, just realize that there is someone out there who actually deserves to be loved by you and they will actually love you back.  Good luck!

I'm happy to see that we will move forward.  There were times when I would have never believed that the pain would end.  So, if any of you are at that place, please, please hang on.  Pray.  Pray for yourself, pray for others, just pray.  Find strength in knowing that you are not alone.  You're not.  You.are.not.alone. 

I have not posted in a while, my life felt like it was turned upside down, but I do want to let you know that it does get better. 

I turned over my heartache to God, I do get sad and angry but I know that I could never go back to that marriage again. 

I do love him and forgive him, and I do think of all the things we did together.  I also feel I will always love the man WHO I thought he was.  What we loved was the dream man, not the man who destroyed our dream.

It is difficult when you see places that remind you of your past life with him, but one step at a time. 

I also have the benefit of a most precious daughter (getting married next week) and wonderful friends, I feel I am getting taken care of, and feel that is my gift from God. 

When I feel sad about how things turned out for our 20 yr marriage, I write down my sad feelings and than write what I remember of the lying, deceitfulness, distancing & the cruel and mean words. 

That does it every time, I realize what I feel sad about is the dream coming to an end.  

Take care!

I see myself in your post. After 36 yrs of marriage, he leaves me without insurance, retirement or much $ after he cashed in his 401 and gave most of it to the IRS. I was blessed with friends who listened. I know I would not be sane had it not been for their willingness to listen, check up on me, cry and agree with me as I cursed his actions. I also joined the Divorce Care. I do not find it as helpful as some do. I guess it depends on who runs the meeting. I joined a bowling league and work 10-14 hr days sometimes. I try to visit my grown children (across the US) as much as possible and went on my first cruise. It has taken 9 months to get to the point where I don't cry anymore. I truly believe the Lord took this upon Himself as I prayed. Today would have been my 38th anniversary had we stayed married. I saw them in church on Sunday. She purposely rubbed his neck, played with his hair, while looking over her shoulder to see that I noticed. I received the miracle I had asked for!  I did not care!!!!!!!  So, my advice is to take your time. We all have a lot of hurt and anger bottled up. Tye up your divorce with a big bow. Say a prayer as you visualize in your mind that you are giving this burden to HIM. You will be surprised how much calmer and at peace you will be. He will see us all thru this.  God bless--

So glad that you felt a sense of relief...a burden being lifted...I will be having my day in court very soon and I hope to feel the same way....There will be good moments and bad ones...It does get better...Hugs and concentrate on you for a bit...

*update 6/1/09*  Divorce was finalized today.  He didn't have to be at the hearing.  Just me, my lawyer, his lawyer, the judge and 2 other court people.  I saw today, for the first time, an affidavit signed in April, from his still married g/f that stated when they met each other and when they started their affair.  No need to argue the adultery angle, according to the Judge.

Fifteen minutes and it was over.  Surprise to me was the sense of relief I feel.  I'm sad that the marriage ended in divorce, but I honestly feel as if a burden has been lifted from me.  (thank God!)  I took my marriage vows seriously-I tried with everything I had to be the good wife and do the right things to save this marriage.  Patience, counseling, (he wouldn't go to couples counseling.)  My feelings of failure to save this marriage have been lifted.  I'm no longer his wife and no responsibility for the marriage.  I.can.breathe.  I am no longer his wife, no longer responsible for my vows to him.  No longer must *I* try to hang on.  I know I'll have my ups and downs still, but it's going to be OK.  I'm going to be OK.  His life, his happiness, is no longer tied to me.  p.s.  I love my adult kids.  They amaze me with their insight. 

I understand what you are feeling.  This is my second divorce. He left me after ten years because he could not be confined in a marriage, although he thinks I am the best wife anyone could ask for!  We are separated for ten months.  Even though I do not now live in the same state we lived in as a couple, everywhere I go, and everything I do and see brings memories of him.  I do all the things everyone tells you to do etc.  Some days are better than others; I still cry a lot and I am angry at him, and I am angry at myself for not heeding warning signs before we married.  I can't go back in time.
I can only hold on to the premise that time will make things less painful.  At this point in time, I cannot imagine ever really getting over this; I loved him with all my heart.  Please stay in touch if you need to vent.  Only those who go through this painful process can really empathize.  Feel better.

I completely understand what your going through, the best advise I can offer, and I need to try to take it myself is to concentrate on remembering the bad things Not the good.  She left me jobless, penniless, foodless, and homeless, took the kids (which is killing me) and last I heard had moved to Alpena.  I've been down and out for over a year, unable to find a job and thus unable to get a place to live.  I have no one to depend on, turn to, or ask for help, but I still miss her... God only knows why but I do.
  Right now I'm having a very hard time dealing with it because my sons birthday is at the end of this month

You can find a Divorce Care group in your area at divorcecare.org.  I am in my second go-around.  It was recommended to me by others here and has helped immensely.

I'm sorry Btrayed. I could tell you what worked for me, but we're all different, and we all greave in our own way, and in our own time.  
All I can tell you is that time is the best thing.  I would recommend getting out and doing things.  It's more than keeping busy, it's finding things you enjoy. It's finding the things that make you happy.  Anybody can be busy, and no, that doesn't help at all.  The trick is making memories in your life.  Making things to replace the old ones and move on.  
Spaz is right, if you haven't tried it, counselling might help. It can help you to understand what you're still holding onto  and what it'll take for you to move on.
The other thing is just talking it out. For that, we're here.  Many of us have been there, and we're all in various phases of healing.  We all have our own experiences to commiserate. We may not be able to give you much, but at very least we can give you a hug.

It's been 10 months for me now, and though I didn't want this at all, I have come to accept it. I think the hardest part, was not having any answers, it was sudden, no warning, just the words, I am not in-love with you anymore, I am done. Perhaps I had an advantage, I moved states away within a week of the bomb dropping. Not seeing him, only hearing from him when he chose to, which is rarely. I don't have an answer as for when it will be over, it's different for everyone. But day by day it will get easier, if you can learn to accept, then you can forgive, and with that, the healing begins. I found the Divorce Care a great place to get support, with a group of people going through the same thing, meetings once a week, it was great. Then this place, D360, a place to blog, vent, cry, laugh, getting those emotions out there, reading others stories, learning how they dealt, the advice, comments, it all has helped. I am not completely healed, but definately on the road. It has gotten easier with time, I no longer cry myself to sleep every night, I no longer hold the anger inside, and I have forgiven him and myself, learning to let it go...

You might want to consider, if you haven't already, some counseling - there is also a great group called divorcecare, that can help you heal....

I feel the exact same way you do btrayed. Its such a shame that this is part of life isnt it?It seems cruel to me that we can live a half way normal life and then it can be turned upside down and half of your body can feel like its been ripped away from you and you have this huge hole in your chest.For me, it feels like my wife is the only one that can fix me,but she wont. I am trying to learn how to be my own bestfreind, but the memories of her are all around me.My whole feels like it was filled with her in it. I am sooooo sorry that you feel this way too.My heart goes out to you k.

I don't think there is much wisdom to offer. If we'd been wise enough we'd not be divorced.  The only thing any of us can do is pick ourselves up and get on with life. How we do that is different for each of us. For some it's just keeping busy, for others it's in volunteering, and still others it's just in having a lot of fun. The amount of time needed to grieve is also different for each. I am sorry you are still going through it and wish there was more we can do for you but you are alone in this, even if surrounded by friends, family and those who understand. You still have to go through it alone. But we're here for you to cry, vent or wail on if it helps you.