amazing

you need to step back from the situation.. think about what you are doing..dont sleep with her again. how do you know what she has and who she has been sleeping with.. what about disease?she seems to want you when she is sad and lonely. what about you??? dont you think you deserve better than that?? i think you do. we all tend to let our hearts talk for us but sometimes we have to think first.. she left you and now its your turn to take care of yourself and become a better person for you and your children. go  to therapy too.i understand how it is being alone and sad but you have to think of YOU.. i really hope this helps   ((((HUGS))))

btw, thanks for the comments.  it's bitter sweet to know i'm not the only one that's going through anything like this  -- good to know but bad we have to.

last night when i posted this i had just gotten home from my blow up and i just needed some "alone" time.  i stopped by the store, grabbed a 12 pack, took the battery out of my phone and left it in the car.  i even disabled my email so i wouldn't be tempted to do anything.  at 3:30 i was asleep, kinda drunk, and abruptly awakened with her face staring eye level at me.  she was hysterically crying and thinking something had happened to me.  she grabbed me, kissed me, and said "I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you. I love you."  Meanwhile both of my children were asleep in her car....  We brought the kids in and put them to bed and her and I wound up sleeping together.  I don't know what she was feeling this morning but she asked me if she could call me later and I told her no.  I'm not 2nd to anyone and I'm not going to be reeled back into that drama anymore, i can't.  it's so physically destructive on me and i've got nothing left.  i do love her and would do what i could to make it right, but i can't fix someone else's issues, i know that.  i have to hold my own and go my own way.  if anyone gets a chance, listen to 'details in the fabric' by jason mraz. it's on youtube.

You're not a sucker - you promised 'till death do you part' and 'for better and for worse', you meant those things, and you love her.  It's not easy to just turn those feelings off (for some of us at least, though at times I wish it was) even when they do things that hurt us to the very core.  I'm sure it's completely frustrating to watch her flit back and forth, and for her to choose someone that makes it obvious that her priorities may be out of whack.

You need to do what you can to protect yourself emotionally....by focusing on yourself and what you can do to feel better without her.  It's harder to do than to say though, that's for sure.  My STBX wants to be 'friends' and I'm thinking, 'Are you insane?  You couldn't be bothered to be my husband but you want to be friends now?  I don't think so.'  Even though I don't want to talk to him....it doesn't change the fact that I WANT him to miss me...it's tough.

I'm there too, I'm considering the purchase of a flashy new midlife crisis-mobile, and a year later I'm still concerned that if the stbx sees me in it, he'll somehow think less of me.

Being in the budget has nothing to do with what's going on, when this thought crossed my mind I was stunned that I was still 'back there' emotionally.

I was sure that I'd really begun to move on, but I think that maybe I haven't, not quite as much as I'd like anyway.

I think it's just love and how it makes us do crazy things sometimes. We're human and have feelings, maybe there's nothing wrong with that, is what I'm beginning to think.

Beyond that, though, we both probably have to be realistic and know that we may no longer be cast in our customary role of 'anchor.' I still want to be there for him as he struggles with finding a new career, but I also know that it could hurt me to do that for him...and I force myself to retreat, although sometimes I really really really don't want to.

Coming from a similar place, it's because you love her.  You might feel like a sucker, but would you rather be the one on the other side?  We trust and give love because it's natural.  To test and then decide that it's safe to let go isn't.  It's your choice now, and it is a choice of do you want to give love one more chance?  BY what you have posted she doesn't.  It hurts I know.