What to say when others mean good things

I had this issue with my mother.  She never liked my STBX, made that abundantly clear, and when she found out we were divorcing, she went on a tirade about how much 'she' suffered during our marriage and how this divorce was such a great thing - I swear, she laid it on so thick, I found myself instinctively trying to defend him.  And then I thought WAIT - I'm supposed to be ranting about him, thank you very much!  I tried to make it clear to her that although she had a right to her opinion, her telling me these things (which basically infers I was an idiot to even be with him in the first place) was NOT helping things and I'd prefer her to lend an ear and listen and not criticize him to the point that it was in essence also criticizing me.  It's hard enough to get through it without those comments...they tend to make it worse.  If it's stressing me out and upsetting me even more...I avoid those people for the time being.

Thanks everyone, I did give her a hug, but being told I was an idiot and and didn't listen to he advice just was like a knife slicing through my heart.  Once again, what I have learned here got me through the whole thing.  When we were kids a big slug to the arm and you are not telling mom would have been the way of dealing with it.  Tonite it was don't upset mom, she is right here and give me a hug.  Wasn't life simpler when we were little kids?

Sorry James.
  Maybe thats is your sisters way of telling you she supports you and never thought your stbx was never worthy of you.
 Us siblings are strange like that. We can say things that most only want to think and no matter how mad you get at us, you know we still love you.  My brothers and thier friends offerred to show up at hubbys work  the last few times he ditched me.  Although I  wouldnt ever ask them to do that, I knew they didnt want to see me hurting and were mad because  some one had caused that much pain.  That was thier own way telling me they were  always gonna protect me, Even if they are YOUNGER brothers.     Dont be too offended unless it is something that persists after you talk to them about your feelings. Remember though, she could be thinking you  need a vent as well.  And tried to give you an out.  No one realy knows us like our families.  I bet your siblings still hold some silly secrets you shared growing up.
  Next time it happens, thank her and tell her what you feel and how you dont wish to talk about that.  Then give her a hug because she is willing to  protect your feelings. Take care.

I told my family and friends that out of respect for the choice I made, dim as it was, and even more for my children I will absolutely not tolerate any derogatory remarks about their father. Now, my family is on the other side of the world so most of our contact is over the telephone; I have been know to hang up on them if they continued after the first reminder. I did the same with friends here and just like you I made my exits.
They all might mean well but bringing it up is not going to help you heal one bit.
I think you did right by not getting pulled into that .

This site is a different thing, we can b***h and moan as we are all in the, more or less, same boat.

Hugs.

Try a firm but polite reply like my divorce is not a topic for conversation right now.

or I'm not ready to discuss that subject right now.

then fall back on one of basset's bleeped out replies.

(omg Basset, good for YOU, lol...

That sounds like something I'd say. It's not nice but it sure does work.)

(((HUGS)))

You say, "Please vent your feelings about my marriage to someone else in the family. This hurts me too much. I don't need to be called stupid while I am trying to survive this."

And if you are rude, like me, you might say, "Thanks for your support."

Why would she have continued interaction with your stbx?

When all this started for me, I thought I could rely on siblings for support. The one I have always been closest to? Stopped talking to me altogether. It's been just shy of a year, and the hardest year of my life. I've attempted connection several times, but (shakes head) this one is apparently having nothing but *nothing* to do with divorce. Very sad.

If someone calls you stupid, they're not trying to help. I'm sorry that happened to you and I know it cuts when the ones we've known the longest don't support us in the ways we quite naturally expect.

Hang in there...and hugs, hugs, hugs...

James, my family has given me pure hell of I told you so and other stuff after my wife walked out on me. Made me seem like the stupidest person on the planet for not leaving her years ago.

I fixed them. Told them that unless they were (bleeping) my wife and supporting her, shut the f up. Don't tear tell me about my mistakes in my marriage cause I can pick about yours and find tons of stupid things about you in it.

I know that this doesn't help. I'm sure your family is more nice and normal than mine. It worked. They don't say boo about me staying with my wife. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.