HOW DOES ONE DECIEDE/TRUST AGAIN?

Hi Dazed N Broken -

I am a counselor.  I work with people who suffer from relationship trauma every day.  There are a lot of folks on this forum who have been extremely wounded by their partners.  I caution you about taking advice from hurt people.  They can't help but allow their own pain to influence their decisions.   You have some very thorny issues to work through. 

You are right in staying that you have three very important reasons in your consideration, your three children.  If they could talk about this with you they would ask you and their Dad to try again. 

You need to talk this out with a counselor.  You need a disinterested party to help you sort through your feelings and figure out what to do.  Once you begin counseling, you can decide if you want to bring your husband into counseling too, or if you want to end your relationship. 

If you decide to stay, you will need to address the issues that have come to a head in your marriage.  Your husband probably means what he says when he promises to never hurt you again - when he says it.  That doesn't mean that he will stick by his guns a year or two from now without help.  He needs to figure out why he is acting out in this way. 

From the time line you give, 17 years married, I would guess you and he are around 40.  That is a tough age for a man - mid-life crisis.  He yearns to be young and virile again.  Some men make extremely stupid mistakes during this time (some women too) and ruin their lives.  There is a great forum for folks going through this time:   http://lifetwo.com/production/   See if any of the posts fit for your situation. 

The military has great resources for getting counseling for you, and for your husband at some point.  Please get some professional advice.  Don't try to figure this out on your own.  If you need to move to Hawaii during this process, then do so.  It won't be time wasted. 

Good luck and get help.