Angry and Unsure

(continued...)  and the marriage is essentially over. 

There are many domestic violence hotlines in the US.  You should also know that there have been laws passed recently that protect spouses who have been abused through the divorce process.  A domestic violence counselor can walk you through the process. 

Don't wait any longer.  You MUST get help.  You need to protect yourself.  You didn't mention if you had children.  If you do, you must protect them as well. 

The fact that he is a Priest is unfortunate, but it doesn't make his crime (domestic violence is a crime) any more or less important.  He is perpetrating assault and battery on your mind and person.  The next time he hits you, and there will be a next time...GO TO THE POLICE and file a report.  State in the report that this is not the first time and detail what he has done before. Then go to the Emergency Room and tell the doctors and nurses there the same thing.  They will photograph your injuries and you will have the proof that you need. 

Don't wait to take care of yourself.  Domestic violence survivors have left their abusers an average of seven times before they leave for good. 

I have a blog on this web site about recognizing domestic violence.  If you like you can read it.

Good luck.  Get help!!

Lisa

Hi OhSoConfused - I am a relationship counselor. I am also a survivor of domestic abuse. I read your blog. You must understand several things about those who are abused. They apply to you. First of all, the reason that we don't tell anyone is because we are ashamed. It is hard to believe that we are allowing someone to treat us as poorly as they do. The abuser has likely been telling you for years that it is your fault that he behaves the way that he does and if you would just ________ things would get better. (fill in the blank yourself). This is a huge lie. You could turn yourself inside out and he would still find a reason to abuse you. His affair is just another part of his emotional abuse. The shame keeps us from telling others what has happened. I know, I kept my secret for 18 years. Please understand that no one will think less of you because of the abuse. When I finally told family and friends what had happened, they were shocked. The fact that he is now lying about the situation and trying to make it seem like you are at fault is another indication that he believes that he can do whatever he likes to you and you will be silent and just take it. The first thing you MUST do is to find a counselor outside of your church who specializes in counseling victims of domestic violence. This type of counseling is different from ordinary therapy. This person can also tell you what to do next to take care of yourself. Domestic violence is grounds for divorce. I am sure you have never gone to the police. That was a big mistake. I made the same one. I want you to understand that the Church feels that domestic violence ends a marriage. There are tracts available at our local Church that say that once one partner begins physical or emotional attacks against their spouse, the marriage vows have been broken..   (to be continued...)

The last comment raises an interesting question: why don't you tell people about his actions?

 

That could come from love and concern, but the fact that you call adultery and abuse "indescretions" raises some red flags.  That sort of minimizes his behavior, and makes me wonder.  My guess is the reason you didn't tell anyone is the same reason you put up with his abuse.

 

It's just a guess, and I could be wrong, but I challenge you to really ask yourself why you don't tell anyone, and to not accept your first answer.  That is, with your first answer, "Say, that's true, but let's assume it's false--what other explanation is there?"

I agree with all the advice you've received, but with an important exception.  You do have the right to, and should for your own self-respect, tell the truth about yourself.  You can avoid commenting or discussing what he has done, but if you are asked if you had an affair, you can and should (if you want) deny it.  He wants to lie about his acts - his issue.  Lying about you - not right.  My ex did this, but told other people I was abusive (totally untrue).  He was emotionally abusive and cheating at the time. 

You deserve to be able to speak up for YOURSELF.

I agree with Javagirl.  Definitely take it to the higher church authorities.  There is a reason the church councils exist, and that the teaching elders have councils and bishops over them.  Not only would that help clear your name, but it protects the church.

If it is important enough to you to "clear your name" and you have proof of his infedity and/or the abuse you have suffered; take your allegations to his superiors in the church.  In some denominations that would be grounds to have him defrocked.   If the woman he has been involved with is also a member of the church then it could be viewed as an abuse of his influence which is indeed a serious offence. 
Take care of yourself and seek counseling to help with your own healing.

I went through the same thing, He is a baptist minister, wanted a divorce, told the deaconate who proceeded to tell the church that I was the sinful party.  They did not follow Biblical principles.  The 'church' turned their backs on me and my children.  I found out shortly into the divorce that he was using pornography, had an affair and was pursuing another, much younger woman. 
How did I handle this, or other slander?  I held my head high, God and I know the truth!  It does hurt!  I rest in knowing that God will judge. 
I suggest going to a support group, such as DivorceCare, it's a great Bible study/support group!

My ex did this as well.  We are both from a very small town, and know everyone.  He told his friends and family that I cheated, that we hadn't had sex in 4 years, that we had been separated numerous times.  Anything to make it seem like what he was doing was okay.  I didn't do anything, unless someone asked me directly, I kept quiet.  He was living with one of his mistresses long before the divorce.  I had people ask when we got divorced, I would say, we haven't, we're still married, and leave it at that.  I had people ask where my husband was at the 4th of July town celebration.  I would say, oh, he's around here somewhere, he's with his girlfriend and her kids.  I still (yesterday was our 5th divorce-aversary) have people tell me about things he said.  It will only make you look bad when you play at his level.  Keep your head high, answer questions if you want, but don't stoop to his level!

Is there any truth to his allegation?

Hold your head up high and ignore it. If someone should ask decline to respond. People are quick to judge but at the end find out the truth.

I don't know what state you are in but have you documented the physical abuse. I don't think you have because of his position. But I could be wrong.

If you haven't and he gets abusive again call the police and document it. Every bruise can be used to help you. That is if you are still living together.

Also what I said about proof is in the event that you go for slander. I don't know if it's worthwhile, but I don't know your whole situation. It might or might not help you get what you deserve financially from the situation. Also in some states like mine, if the supporting spouse cheated, he/she pays more alimony. If the supported one cheats, they have no right to alimony. Some states don't care, mine does.

Maybe Spaz can help.

Did you get any proof of his infidelity? I absolutely believe you, but it would help you if you could show evidence, like pictures, email, phone records. It's amazing how people won't believe until they see proof, yet they believe him! He struck first so you saying it now is going to make you look like the bad guy unless you have proof. Then ask him for proof of your infidelity. He won't have any and that will demonstate that he lied. On the other hand, no matter what some people see, they'll believe him. You have to dismiss those people.

He is being a jerk and there is not much you can do about that. Legally I don't think you can stop him. He is using his position in the church to cast you as the bad person and unless it is costing you money as in hurting a business you own I don't think you can do anything.

The people who know you will know the kind of person you are and not listen to his lies. It will eventually come out that he is the one cheating.  I am assuming you are getting a divorce soon, I would think about changing churches for your own sanity and peace of mind. He wouldn't by any chance be having an affair with another church member would he?

You don't need all that drama while you are trying to move forward with your life. I personally know how gossip can affect your life for many years. It can end up shaping your future for many years to come and so can a divorce. You don't need all that he said, she said in your life right now.

You will find out who your real friends are and appreciate them more as they help you get through this time in your life.

I know in NC that people have won large awards for slander. I don't know how it works in other states. All you have to prove there is that someone said mean things about you or called you names.

Well, if what he says isn't true it's slander. There are laws about that but most times it's not worth pursuing unless it has a detrimental effect on your standing in the community or your job. Your friends know the truth, does anyone else matter?

i'm so sorry this is happening to you. how can one person be so cruel?  and he's a priest?!?!

i don't know the laws about getting him to stop saying these lies......but you should talk to a lawyer quickly.

you should talk a counselor yourself to help deal with the issues of infidelity, your pending divorce and the abuse.

writing it out here really does help. you've found a great community of people who care.

in the end, losers like this get found out and everyone will know the truth. 

right now you have a decision to make....either stoop to his level, or rise above and move on and focus only on making your life better going forward.  that is the ulitmate revenge, right?