She lied to me

So, those who know my story, 4 yrs ago I cheated. I told my wife last December. We have been in counseling and things were going good.

Well, she has been texting this guy at work a lot and I am friends with him as well. I asked her about it last week and told her it made me jealous, and she said it is nothing bad.

I was so jealous over the weekend and last night my jealousy got the best of me. I looked at her phone, and the inbox was empty, but the Outbox had texts to and from him. They were emotional flirting, talking about dreams they were having and the kisses in the drams, the type of black lacy underwear my wife was wearing. My heart sank.

Is this karma getting back at me for what I did to her and lying for 4 years? I was torn to confront her, but if I didn't, my jealousy would eat away at me. So this morning I told her I saw the texts. She right away said she would stop texting him. Then she got very upset that after everything I did to her, I didn't trust her! I do trust her, I just had a gut feeling that there was more than she was admitting. She admitted she lied, but is now very angry at me and is questioning whether or not we will make it.

The thing is, I am not even mad that she lied, I am hurt. I am hurt because the woman i married would never ever lie to me. but after what I did to her, I have changed her and turned her into someone that I used to be. Someone who snuck around and sent flirty texts. I know first hand how an affair starts, and that is what worried me. She said nothing physical happened, and she wouldn't have done anything because she has respect. but emotional affairs are just as bad, and they usually lead to more.

Am I wrong in thinking I should be mad that I caught her in a lie instead of her being mad that I didn't trust her? it would be different if my assumptions were wrong, in my opinion. But since I found evidence, why should I apologize for not trusting her?

by OnEdge 41 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2009 9:24 AM

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Tags: cheating , sexting , flirting , lies

Answers for "She lied to me" (8) (You must be logged in to answer)

Your story seems similar to mine however I did not cheat on my wife. I don't even come close. My wife has become distant since she's followed a local sports team. We have season tickets we can't afford. She goes to everything and has a lot of friends with the same idea that these pro-wanna bes are the best in the world. While i"ve met a few of them I draw a line when she starts calling and texting them. While she's nto cheated our therapists told me she's have an emotional affair. That's true but now she's moved out and comes for a few day and then leaves. I found her facebook page. She lists her self as single and looking for men. She has red hair and states that everything about reds is true. I confronted her. She lost sighting depression and a history of father/men problems. Now she's planning on a trip with these guys to San Diego with a single 20 yr girlfriend. I'm spying so I can't confront her but I'm keeping a file now. We have 3 boys, one teenager. The teenager knows some as I've told him we're having problems. She syays I wasn't there after we received some devasting news about our youngest son but have been there several times before.
I'm committed and willing to try and resolve this but she won't even acknowledge my efforts. She doesn't try either. We've been to counseling, not together. We went to our religious leader. She won't talk. She's turned on her religion in which he was very active. With the texting comes emails too. I'm devasted, lost and withdrawn. I keep going only because of my boys.

by bflsnowman 6 Posts
Posted on 5/31/2009 1:03 PM

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Sometimes I wonder if they'll even go to counseling, instead of facing up to the end of their marrage.

How did the latest session go?

by Natalie 729 Posts
Posted on 4/27/2009 5:04 PM

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You shouldn't apologize. She WAS lying.

Thing is, would she have cheated if you didn't? It looks to me like you are getting some of your own medicine - harsh as that is.

You both need to go to counseling......or finish your marriage.

by dazeddaily 80 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2009 2:01 PM

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I'm glad.    It will be interesting to understand exactly why she is playing with fire then.

I hope she is forthright and honest and really communicates what is going on with her because clearly she is going through something.    This flirting texting is answering a need she has and I hope she recognizes the potential damage its doing.

Good luck and keep us posted.   I would be interested to know how your next session goes.   You two sound like you have a good marriage that is worth the work.

by timless 781 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2009 12:17 PM

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Thanks timless. We have been in counseling since December and things have been going good. I guess that is why I am shocked to see her doing this.

by OnEdge 41 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2009 10:04 AM

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My answer remains the same as last week.

Your marriage is in trouble but its not unfixable. BUT, you both have to want to fix it. Not just put a bandaid on it.

You need counseling to deal with all the residual pain that is obviously lingering from your affair and then your current situation must be addressed and dealt with.

You need to get serious about repairing your marriage before your wife does anything she will regret. This is not the time to let things fade to the background and brushed under the rug. Texting and flirting with this guy is not the problem obviously and you both have some hard work to do on the foundation of your marriage and trust before you're out of the woods.

I hope you both get the help you need to save your marriage from this destruction.

by timless 781 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2009 9:59 AM

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We have counseling on Thursday, so I am hoping she will be willing to go and talk about it. I have already contacted our counselor as well, to tell him what has been going on. but I did not give him full details, I figured that can be brought up on Thursday.

by OnEdge 41 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2009 9:56 AM

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Two wrongs don't make a right. What she is doing can lead to an affair as you well know. You admitted you cheated and have worked hard in counseling to get past this and keep your marriage together.

Both your lives should be an open book right now. No secrets from either of you.

This texting a male co-worker needs to be looked at in another counseling session.

by trisha9054 4967 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2009 9:42 AM

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