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Pitbull or Chihuahua???

So, my HB has porn addiction, is cheating and is a slimeball. Read some of my other posts for more info. Bottom line, he is a bad husband but, under NY law, his actions supposedly dont affect his parenting (so they say....).
He's very difficult and gives me a hard time about every little thing.

I have a lawyer. She's really nice. A straight shooter. I was hoping to do collaborative divorce, to save $$ and, more importantly, to keep us out of court and out to try to prevent us from getting ugly - I wanted to keep a lid on things for the best interest of my kids. However, my HB is unreasonable about custody. He wants joint legal and wont agree to anything else. This wont happen - we cant even discuss a simple visitation schedule without him berating me, calling me names and arguing.
We have been using email to communicate but cant discuss anything substantial bc when I try, he shuts the convo down. So, there is no way we can make major decisions together.
I want sole, but wont get it in NY. So, I will settle for joint legal, primary with residential custody. In other words, sole custody with a "joint" in the phrase designed ot make it easier for him to swallow.
My question? Keep my collaborative attorney and try to go collaborative route or hire a pit bull reccomended by a friend and risk going to court. The Pitbull does not do collaborative. The pitbull is experienced, and known to be good. She is a fighter but with grace. I am thinking of hiring her bc Im not so sure the atty I currently have can handle my Hb and his lawyer.
The only issue that I care to fight over is custody. Everything else (property, assets, money)is negotiable and I will give where I feel necessary.

I will NOT negotiate on custody. Should I chance that HB will come around and do whats right or go for the jugular at the get go????? My friends say f*** him and to go for the jugular....but i know we will end up in court which I really dont ant to do - for the kids.

Im meeting with the Pittbull next week for a consult. What do u think?

by AnaBella72 193 Posts
Posted on 3/26/2009 10:27 PM

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Tags: divorce , cheating , lying , escorts , elliott spitzer , custody , children , visitation , aggressive representation , collaborative

Answers for "Pitbull or Chihuahua???" (34) (You must be logged in to answer)

UPDATE:I retained the Pitbull.My children and what is best for them come first. Period.My Pittbull will make sure that objective is met.No regrets.

by AnaBella72 193 Posts
Posted on 4/18/2009 1:36 PM

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Very well put MilitaryP. I agree with you.

Hang in there Anabelle, your "Pitbull" will help guide your divorce in the right direction.

by BeeBee 83 Posts
Posted on 4/1/2009 6:21 PM

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I met with the "pitbull" today. I have to admit, I left the office feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I actually felt better. I am still considering my options. Things with my STBX have escalated to the point where HIS mom/dad and I are arranging visitation behind his back so that THEY can see the baby. He instructed me not to talk to them. He instructed them not to talk to me. his parents called ME and said to keep it hush hush so he doesnt flip out. This is the type of man I am dealing with. His own parents will testify on my behalf IF we HAVE TO GO TO TRIAL. ANd they do not even know about the porn and fooling around. He's abusive. He's a control freak. They want to have a realtionship with the baby and I dont see why they shouldnt have one separate and apart from him.So, his parents have contacted me on the sly and we are arranging visitation behind his back. How pathetic. What I plan to do will depend on how he reacts to my counter proposal on settlement. I am thinking about this and will update the group later. Again, my concern lies with m kids.

by AnaBella72 193 Posts
Posted on 4/1/2009 1:45 PM

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Wow, I am not sure I want to post here except to just throw out a reminder that we are here to support each other, we don't have to agree. We cannot however lash out at each other either. Please, if you think a comment was rude or nasty, please address it in email to the person or even on their wall, if you have to. Remember that people who are in great need of support come here and read our comments and seeing something like this could turn someone away that really needs our support...Easy enough to get heated, we all come from different situations and different backgrounds. We all hurt. I have had to struggle a few times myself to hang on to my temper and may have posted something I wish I could take back. I do not mean to berate anyone, just throw out a gentle reminder. Nite, everyone.

by militaryp 2950 Posts
Posted on 4/1/2009 12:02 AM

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What you are describing is actually called 'Extreme Analogy' and it's only one of three major types of illustration to prove a point. Yes dear, I took freshman expository writing also. *smiles benignly*

Because I didn't agree with your perspective and called you on it, doesn't mean I did not comprehend it. Bit of a difference there, but if it helps you sleep at night, by all means, keep it going.

nighty night.

by delia_M 2861 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 8:26 PM

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An analogy is a story told to illustrate a point. It is usually better to introduce a new subject to make the point clear. It appears that delia m didn't understand the analogy.

Logic works like this, using ambivalent's comment: if a(cheating spouse) then b (takes two). If not b (only one at fault) then not a (no cheating spouse). In this context, the logical conclusion, which he asked, was what was your role? Therefore, ambivalent blames anabella for the cheating. Saying he did not blame her is incorrect. He did. At the very least, if you're going to post something, be willing to stand behind it or say you were wrong. Don't weasel.

That said, the reason so many children end up dead or in the hospital with broken bones is the mistaken opinion that all parents deserve to have custody of their children. Too many are returned to abusive homes. I've always wondered how such a thoughtless disregard for the welfare of our most vulernable citizens could happen. This posting has opened my eyes to the blindness that insists that all parents must be allowed access, and who cares about the welfare of the child.

by bluebird 1158 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 8:23 PM

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Leave out your emotions. They aren't going to help you. Stick to only that which you can prove to a judge. P R O V E - not conjecture or 'suspect'

An air mattress is not going to sway a judge's feelings unless they are feeling particularly friendly toward you, and your argumentative state that you've displayed recently is not going to impress him or her, whoever it may be.

A crib does not a good parent make, nor does the lack of one make a parent bad. Your views are entirely subjective and while personally I'm inclined to agree that having an air mattress vs. a crib is not the best of beds, it is better than nothing at all. If your stbx can prove he can provide a solid roof over the baby's head, and in absence of absolute proof of endangering the child, be prepared for joint custody.

Get mad at me all you want. I didn't make the law, so your misplaced outrage and indignation has zero effect on me. It doesn't change the statutes.

by delia_M 2861 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 8:05 PM

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Oh, and to quell Ambivalent and anyone else b4 they make comments, I will agree to liberal visitation. He can see them anytime they are free and on a schedule (but he wont commit to a schedule). O/N and weekends?? Yes. at some point, but not now while he is still so out of control. He doesnt even have a crib and refuses to pay $$ to get one but wants O/N!?? Lol.Do you know where he expects baby to sleep? On an air mattress on the floor. 18 months old. Details. Details. Yes, but there's only so much room to say it and only so much info I want to give without revealing all the cards, so to speak.

by AnaBella72 193 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 7:58 PM

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To DeliaM:Like you say in your story, "go with your gut"Your comments are not very productive, just judgmental and critical. I didnt feel it necessary to expose all the dirt bc the issue was about which forum to handle my divorce in, not the merits of the case. After reading your comments and looking back at the hx of our marriage and how he has behaved and how his actions will be perceived by a judge, I am more convinced than ever that my HB is not capable of making decisions that are in the best interest of my children, that he will slip (especially with the baby in hand) and that I have to make the issues known to protect my kids from damage. Which forum? Depends on my HB and how he takes the news that I will NOT agree to joint, O/N and shared custody. I can only control what I do. I can only react to what he does and do what I can to keep my kids away from his garbage. No,Im not out of control and I will have no problem handling this stuff in court. Im just passionate about my kids and dont like when they are put in harms way. Trust me, my kids and I will be fine. In fact, we are fine and we're getting on with things and moving forward. Not back.

by AnaBella72 193 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 7:51 PM

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---- in court?

Now I'm done, have at it. I wish you peace.

by delia_M 2861 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 7:07 PM

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of course it was partly her fault that he left you say. Congratulations. You have just condoned a father abandoning his toddler.

Get your knickers unbunched, girlie. No one said that. As I said already - stop projecting.

And lady, was all that just mentioned info in your thread here? No. So I stand by my words. BASED on the info you had given previously, those were my thoughts. NOW the story is different, NOW you come out with less favorable details. Had that information been there from the start, my response might have been different indeed. And before you start, no, your word is not enough to satisfy me, nor is it going to be enough to satisfy a judge.

I've seen Spaz's response to you already. I echoed what she said almost verbatim before I even read it. You can't say for 100% certain what he WOULD do, only what he MIGHT do. And you have to prove that to a judge. Go for it. Does not affect me one way or the other. If you don't like the responses, don't feed into them.

Nobody got raked over the coals here and nobody was treated hatefully. You two girls jumped to an awful lot of conclusions and read into some statements FAR too much, then took them completely out of context. Ambivalent asked a question, he did not, in any way, accuse. I defended him because HE was getting jumped on by erroneous assumptions on your part. End story, 'nuff said.

Take a chill pill, calm down, and plan your battle, because I assure you, it is not with me. I'm not your enemy here. Neither is Ambivalent or rpg (sp?) You getting hysterically angry with me or anyone else here (by pointing out a mistake, ffs) is not helping you win your case, and in fact only makes you look like you're coming unglued.

I suggest (strongly) and I'm pretty certain your attorney will say the same: You can't be like this in court. It hurts only you. If you can't handle simple correction on specific words from someone else...how are you going to handle the stress of fighting in c

by delia_M 2861 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 7:05 PM

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Wow, I was having such a lovely day until I came back to this site for solace. Wrong move.

I have my opinions. You have yours. Try to be kind.

One person can end an marriage all by himself or herself. It DOES NOT take two.

Worms can procreate. The difference between a worm and a parent is morality.

Looking at a few dirty pictures or movies is not the same as making a porn film or thinking about sex with your children's friends.

Imagine two people: she screams all the time, says no to everything he suggests, refuses to do anything to make him happy at all, thinks only of herself, is pudgy and nearly always dirty, makes messes in the house. Does he have a right to leave her? Did she drive him away? Did her actions contribute to his abondoning her?

Yes, of course it was partly her fault that he left you say. Congratulations. You have just condoned a father abandoning his toddler.

You, and you alone are responsible for your actions.

A man who cheats and is addicted to porn is that way because he has chosen to be that way. A man who does that and blames his partner is not fit to be a parent any more than a man or woman who beats their child. Would you like to see your daughter or son as a porn star? No? Then why would you think it's a good idea to have a child in a home where his parent is making porn movies?

Agree or disagree, but don't attack me personally. None of us come here to be raked over the coals.

by bluebird 1158 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 5:19 PM

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Ana I'm sorry you felt the need to explain why you are doing what you have to do because of mean, hateful, and accusing remarks.
((((((((hugs)))))

by sjg 1766 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 2:37 PM

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Im not keeping the kids from him people. He sees them a minimum of 3 times weekly and Sat and Sun. I encourage the visits. WHat I am NOT comfortable with is long visitation (more than 2-3 hours) or O/N. Absolutely not. Why? Because I know my HB. He can only handle boredom or stress for so long. Then, he breaks and goes under.
He has not been dx (yet) bc he refused to go for eval. I have not gone thru family court cause I dont want to pull the kids in the mess. But, my lawyer is encouraging a psych eval and forensics. This will start making things even uglier.

Porn. Its a compulsion to him. You peoplpe do not understand. Im not talking about a situation where he looks at a few pictures here and there. Im talking about hours and hours and hours per night. Hundreds of emails. Perusing Adultfriendfinder for hours. He also has started looking at pics of young girls on Facebook. YOUNG GIRLS on an INNOCENT FORUM such as FB. This is not an inocuous situation. FB??? Would you like it if my Hb were searching FB for pretty girls and focused on your teen or college age daughter? These girls live in our neighborhood! It makes me sick that he can sexualize girls.
I am worried bc he sexualizes my teenage son's girl friends. For ex, he says stuff to my teenager like - "wow...look at so and so. She looks good. She got really hot over the summer. Are you into her?" Wtf? The girl is 16?! Im going with my gut. My HB has a problem and Im telling you, the marriage falling part is only the start. Im not saying he's a pedophile, but Im saying his judgment is completely off and he really has trouble with boundaries, right and wrong. My gut tells me he is going to go down and will hit rock bottom. I will not allow my kids to go down with him. They deserve someone to look after their well being and my HB is

by AnaBella72 193 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 2:07 PM

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OK!!! Let me clarify one thing. YES. My HB used porn around the children and when they were present in the hse. For example, my teenager (male, age 16) borrowed my HB computer and found HB porn in there. Moreover, HB perused XXX sites while me and my kids were in the house and in fact - once, while me and my son were watching a movie in the living room -HB was less than 15 feet away in the kitchen. On this occasion, he was looking at XXX sites on the computer while we were completely oblivious. I remember turning to him asking him what he was doing and he said "catching up on some work and emails". More importantly, he was online perusing XXX sites for over 40 mins while I went grocery shopping. The baby was in his care. The baby had already napped so he wasnt asleep. The baby, at that time, was about 8 months old. I can only speculate, but he probably had him in the baby swing while he was online. SO this does NOT make him a bad father?? Give me a f***** break. The man has no remorse, no conscience and absolutely is incapable of making proper judgment calls about what is right and wrong. I do not care about what he does in his time. However, I do care what kind of upbringing my children have and what they are exposed to and I do not want my boys to grow up thinking that this is the norm. Do you know how upset my 16 y/o was to know that my HB was viewing all that porn??? He felt betrayed. He's 16! WHat kind of man puts kids in a situation where they have to see all this crap and to feel hurt? I was not aware of the extent of what my teenager saw and knew. Kids are so smart. They know alot more than we let on. My teen was able to connect the dots without anyone saying a word. I did not and will not say anything negative, but I dont have to. He knows. Moreover, early exposure to porn skews young boys perceptions and causes them psychological problems including relationship issues later in life. contd...

by AnaBella72 193 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 2:02 PM

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Go for the Pitt bull.
My attorney is a Pitt bull. She is being underestimated by my STBex and his attorney. She likes it that way. So far she has had to take her muzzle off twice. Shocked the shit out of my STBex and his attorney. Of course the judge went after his attorney in court. His attorney was way out of line.
I don't have small children to work out visitation. What I do have is the rest of my life to look after.
For me my STBex is getting very mean as the divorce is going on. I tried to be fair with him. Now my attorney deals with him. Glad she is a pitt bull he does not intimidate her.

by sjg 1766 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 9:43 AM

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Hate cut offs -

And again, Ambivalent did not blame anyone, he asked a fuckin' question. Jesus mary and joseph, get over it.

Now, as to my *opinion* on what type of lawyer you need, personally I go for pit bull. I may not ask for a fight but by god when I'm presented with one, I fight to win.

by delia_M 2861 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 9:16 AM

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Thats right! Blame the wife for the actions of her HB. Lol. Hey - you sound just like him....always blaming me.....

Where did Ambivalent blame you? I searched his posts, did not find a single word laying blame anywhere near your shoulders. He did ASK what was your role in the demise of the marriage. Perhaps a bit assuming but at least the man ASKED, not accuse. Stop projecting.

her stbx is addicted to porn. That alone makes him a bad father. He also is making arrangements for sex with women he doesn't even know over the internet. That also makes him a bad father.

Is he having sex with the kids around? Is he watching porn where his kids can see it? Is he beatin' off with the kids around? Can they see him? Is he having these women around his kids? If the answer is no then that does not make him a bad father, it makes him a shitty husband. Bit of a difference there. And no, you cannot know 100% what he WOULD do, only what he MIGHT do, and if you can't prove that to a judge beyond a REASONABLE doubt, then you can't make a claim on his being a bad father because of it. Sorry, watching porn does not a bad parent make, and watching porn when the kids are napping or sleeping does not a bad parent make.

Being addicted to porn and hooking up with strangers makes him a bad parent. THe two are mutually exclusive. Some states have a morals clause for this type of thing.

Has a psychologist made a medical diagnosis that he's a porn addict? Here's a clue: the morals clause prevents OVERNIGHT guests of the opposite sex from being around one's children. They can stay 15 hours out of every day, from anywhere like 8 am to 10 pm, alllllllllllll day long, and the court will say it doesn't violate the morals clause, depending on what the verbiage is in divorce documents and/or the judges viewpoint on what constitutes 'overnight'. The morals clause is being misrepresented here grossly. And again, Ambivalent did not blame anyone, he asked a fu

by delia_M 2861 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 9:14 AM

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Bluebird is this gang up on men day or what. I never blamed Anabella exclusively. I said where did she contribute in the demise. That's all I said. I also sent Anabella an email to bury the hatchet OK so I am not saying she's a bad person OK. What her HB does with his sexuality is his business. As long as he doesn't do it in front of the kids. So does that mean a homosexual can't be a good parent. We both know that's not true. Porn addiction is not synonymous with child porn or molestation. As far as your rape I am sorry that happened to you. That was a violent attack that you could not have contributed to. Like I told AnaBella my own father got screwed in the custody over me so I'm well aware how NY rolls. That was my childhood. Before you assume excluding their father is what's best for the child ask someone who has lived that life first. I will answer all questions as candidly as I can. Yes Halle Berry and Faith Hill are gorgeous ladies. None that I'd EVER cheat on but that's beside the point. As for Halle why was it that most of the men she ever been with left her? That's a trend ladies. David Justice even commented on that. Faith Hill I can't say. I had a beautiful model like ex girlfriend she was ridiculous gorgeous and intelligent but she put me through hell because she was so high maintenance. I was stupid, I tolerated it because she was so beautiful but eventually I left. I will leave it at this. We all have had shitty experiences with the opposite sex otherwise we wouldn't be here. But I will always be a proponent of parents having equal rights over the children. Part of the reason I haven't left yet is because I don't want to be separated from my son. If I decide to sleep with an other woman does not mean that I will care for my son any less or deny any of his needs.

by Ambivalent 267 Posts
Posted on 3/29/2009 8:48 AM

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I'm not going to get into an argument with you rpq. We disagree.

Being addicted to porn and hooking up with strangers makes him a bad parent. THe two are mutually exclusive. Some states have a morals clause for this type of thing. YOu can't be a good parent and be amoral at the same time.

You didn't say it was her fault, but ambivalent did. I've spent a lot of time coming to grips with this idiotic idea of blaming the victim. If I continued to think these things were my fault, I'd go completely nuts, instead of the halfway nuts that I am now :).

by bluebird 1158 Posts
Posted on 3/28/2009 10:21 AM

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bluebird; first of all in my quote I did not blame anabella72. My point is bad behavior to the spouse does not always reflect to the kids and that is why courts consider them separate issues. The opposite would also be true- wife having bad behaviour. my point is even if he is addicted to porn if the kids are not involved or subjected to it then the courts will most likely not take it into condiseration. What about a case where the wife has multiple affairs or she is a swinger but does not take the kids to the OM? if it is done on her time the courts will say it during personal time and the have no exposure. again just because he had bad behaviour to Anabella72 does not preclude him as a father with father rights.

by rpg 39 Posts
Posted on 3/28/2009 10:11 AM

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It DOES NOT take two to destroy a marriage. It takes two to keep it going. It can be both who contribute to divorce, but it doesn't have to be.

It can be just one person who destroys a marriage.

by bluebird 1158 Posts
Posted on 3/28/2009 9:48 AM

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I can't let this slide. Ambivalent and rpq - her stbx is addicted to porn. That alone makes him a bad father. He also is making arrangements for sex with women he doesn't even know over the internet. That also makes him a bad father.

He fact that he was able to have sex does not make him a worthy parent. Worms can do that.

The first focus should be the children. It is not in the best interests of the children to be with a pervert who is now trying to make porn movies. What would you say if he put his kids in them?

Second, how dare you blame the wife. Look at Halle Berry, Faith Hill, lots of other women. Beautiful, sexy, desirable women get cheated on every day.

IT ISN'T THE WOMAN'S FAULT.

You have fallen into the trap of blaming the vicitim. How was she at fault for her husband's porn habit?

Here's one for you. I got raped. Was it my fault? People walk up to me on the street and tell me I'm beautiful. When I walk into a bar I turn every head in the room. My mother told me that I got raped because I was too sexy. Lots of people have told me that. I have an hourglass figure. I have big boobs, tiny waist, full hips, long legs. My fault, right? You'd probably say so too. I dressed or acted too seductively. I was in the wrong place. I was in the wrong neighborhood. I have to be at least partly to blame, right? Of course

If you can find a way to blame me, then if you don't do the same thing, you're safe. It's a false sense of security.

So now that you have determined that it had to be me, after all, even my mother told me so, I'll tell you where and when. It started when I was 9 years old, it was my brother, it was in my own bed. Yep, I'm at least partly to blame.

Before you start spouting out that stupid stuff about how the wife had to be to blame for her husband's porn habit, and how he after all deserved to have the kids, remember this.

THE ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU IS YOU.

by bluebird 1158 Posts
Posted on 3/28/2009 9:45 AM

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Wow Ambivalent. Back for another dig regarding my HB porn addiction? Thats right! Blame the wife for the actions of her HB. Lol. Hey - you sound just like him....always blaming me.....

by AnaBella72 193 Posts
Posted on 3/27/2009 7:48 PM

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you need to ask yourself "what is in the best interest of the kids" NOT what is in your best interest. If you go the traditional route he will also get an aggressive lawyer. If he is not a bad father then its in the best interest of the kids to have equal time. just because he had bad behavior with you, just as you said NY does not consider it for custody issues for good reason so that one party does NOT use it as a tool against the other. Most nasty custody wars have no winner because the bad feelings will last a very long time and you will need to deal with him till you or he dies, ie. birthdays,school events, conferences, college, graduation, marriages, grand-kids, ect... as you said you are willing to negotiate on other issues, you need to really think about this and consider mediation. I promise you, you will be a cash cow to the attorneys- they love custody issues because of the feelings and emotions, most couples do not let logic rule with custody issues and it will come out of your property settlement unless the court award fees to you (most likely not) unless there is a hugh income difference. I would be all for it if he had bad behavior to the kids. You have to remember what goes around comes around. You will never truely be divorced from him because of the above issues. Your friends Do Not have to live with your decisions and the consequences. just a thought..

by rpg 39 Posts
Posted on 3/27/2009 7:14 PM

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