Here is a letter I wrote to my stbx about his two year old daughter, Emilee. What do you think, can a letter change a life?

Dear Frankie,  

 I am writing this because I am concerned. I am putting this letter into Emilee’s baby book so that one day she will read it for herself, and know that I did everything I could, as her mom, to emphasize the importance of your role in her life.  One day she will read this and know that I understood the importance of having two actively involved parents in her life.. and how her birth circumstances put her at special risk, and how her father has done nothing to protect her from those birth circumstances throughout her first two years of life. How? You ask. Answer:  Your lack of involvement.  

Today, Rachael called you for a prescription of “Ativan.”  I know this because she had the good sense, or lack thereof, to call me and ask me to call Dr. Rick Booth to ask for “Ativan” for her.  This comes after her homelessness, living out of a car for two months,  and ‘daily cocaine use’ according to her reports.  In fact, she lost everything because “everything went up my nose.”  Rachael is Emilee’s biological mother, and Michael, Emilee’s purported biological father, also has a strong history of crack cocaine use.  Yesterday, Rachael admitted to me that she used drugs while pregnant with Emilee as she did “not know” she was pregnant until she was at four months gestation.   

Our little girl was exposed to drugs in utero.  

Our daughter, Emilee, will likely have a strong predisposition for drug use.  Both of her biological parents are heavy users.  Both psychologically and physically, she may be “wired” for this kind of behavior.  All it may take is one try of a new drug from her friends, and that will be all she wrote.   We will have lost our daughter. 

One sniff. One swallow. One try… and that may be all it takes.  

When will it happen? People have reported drug use as early as the 3rd, fourth, and fifth grades.  Counting from Kindergarten, that could be SIX SHORT YEARS from today.  I have witnessed kids using drugs at Nichols Elementary. Parent’s pills, pot, you name it.  It’s a scary world, Frankie.  Being in the Principal’s seat, you get to see everything.  

FACT:  It has been almost ONE YEAR since you have been in Emilee’s life full time.  

Why are you writing me this, you ask?  Because YOUR role in Emilee’s life has EVERYTHING to do with the choices she will make in her future.  If you don’t believe me, read some of the scary stuff for yourself on the importance of INVOLVED fathers:  

http://www.dadsworld.com/parenting-statistics/importance-of-fathers.html  

And in case you’re too busy, wrapped up in a son who is not yours and a girlfriend you barely know, here are some important highlights:  

****Children with involved Fathers are more confident, better able to deal with frustration, better able to gain independence and their own identity, more likely to mature into compassionate adults, more likely to have a high self esteem, more sociable, more secure as infants, less likely to show signs of depression, less likely to commit suicide, more empathetic, boys have been shown to be less aggressive and adolescent girls are less likely to engage in sex.  

***** 63% of teen suicides come from fatherless homes. That’s 5 times the national average.  

***** 85% of children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes. 20 times the national average.  

***** 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. 9 times the national average  

*****       Pay PARTICULAR attention to THIS ONE:  75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes. 10 times the national average.

*****   “Without two parents, working together as a team, the child has more difficulty learning the combination of empathy, reciprocity, fairness and self-command that people ordinarily take for granted. If the child does not learn this at home, society will have to manage his behavior in some other way. He may have to be rehabilitated, incarcerated, or otherwise restrained. In this case, prisons will substitute for parents.”  

 And for the BOTTOM LINE:  Kids with involved Dads do far better in every single measurable category, compared to kids whose Dads are not involved. Kids need their Dads.   Read that Again:  KIDS NEED THEIR DADS. INVOLVED DADS.  Not dads who throw an hour here or there in their schedule and think they are father of the year. Dads who give, GENEROUSLY, FREQUENTLY, and with CONSISTENCY to the lives of their children DAILY.  That is the definition of INVOLVEMENT in a child’s life.  

As it stands right now, Emilee will be two years old in less than a month.

You have not made any special arrangements or asked for a day off to spend THIS CHILD’S BIRTHDAY with her.  You have seen her on February 7th and again on March 8th, averaging about 1 time per month, for one hour. FOR ONE HOUR.   

There are SEVEN HUNDRED FOURTY FOUR hours in a 31-day month. You spend ONE of those hours with your daughter.  I don’t even want to figure what percentage of time that is. It is… a crying shame. 

 You repeatedly fail to make EMILEE a PRIORITY in your life.  Things will never “GET BETTER” unless you take personal action.  Yet, you live your life in denial (as you did in our marriage for a decade) until it is TOO LATE.    I am not here to ask you to be my husband. You are far too selfish and self centered to ever make me happy or know how to love me. Life for us has always been about you, your needs, your career, your lack of feeling ‘loved.”  Needless to say, we are done, and it is a moot issue.

  However, you do have a second chance to do things right with your little girl. She loves you and adores you.  You are the world to her yet she is an AFTERTHOUGHT in your personal plans. You are too busy running to Florida with your home wrecking w**** to be bothered with spending QUALITY TIME with your little girl.   

I am writing this letter as a WARNING

to your conscience,

your soul,

your mind. 

If you do not SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR DAUGHTER THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE WE COULD BOTH LOSE HER TO DRUGS, ALCOHOL, TEENAGE PREGNANCY, OR A MILLION OTHER REASONS ALL BECAUSE WHEN SHE NEEDED YOU………   You weren’t there.  

You are probably mentally arguing, but disaster could happen to Emilee even if I spent time with her. 

 Is that going to be a COMFORT TO YOU WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU DID NOT DO EVERYTHING YOU COULD DO, PUT FORTH EVERY EFFORT, GIVE EVERY OUNCE OF TIME YOU HAD TO HER… in order to show your daughter that she is loved?  

No, and you will feel horrible, incurable guilt because I sent you this letter, and you elected to ignore it… like you always ignore problems.    Please don’t let Emilee become another statistic. 

Make personal changes and include Emilee in your life.  Move closer to her as soon as you can, and spend every moment you CAN WITH HER.    If you continue to make life choices for the betterment of Valerie and her boy, you are going to LOSE YOUR DAUGHTER…  

 Emotionally

Spiritually

 Psychologically  

 And given her history… physically, to drugs, to any number of problems   Because we both know..

LIFE IS HARD And YOU ARE THE ONLY FATHER SHE HAS  

All of your success will be a a failure if your one and only offspring is lost because her father didn’t care enough to be INVOLVED. 

Is the money going to keep you warm at night?

 Happy and content with the alienation, aloneness, and fear that every time you see your little girl, you get a funny little knot in your tummy, knowing…  

 Life is slipping you by.

   She looks different every time you see her

   Because .. you are not there… to see the changes gradually  

So think about it

Pray about it

Sweat over it at night

 Dream about it  

 BUT FOR GOD’S SAKE   DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT  

Sincerely,   A Concerned Mother

 One who wishes you saw your little girl every day

One who does not want to see her daughter become… A STATISTIC

One who loves her daughter but knows that love must be complimented by a   FATHER’S LOVE… in order for ANY parenting to be the most effective.  

 You cannot have a family there And a daughter in West Virginia  

It will never work You know it, and so do I And you have to choose

Who comes first – whose needs?

Whose demands?

Who gets your time, what little of it you have?

There isn’t much to go around…   Your actions will tell the story Of what kind of man you are.  

WHERE DOES EMILEE WEIGH IN ON THE SCALES OF LIFE?