HELP ME!!!!

Me and my husband have been married for 12 years. During our courtship I found out that he wasnt committed. We discussed it. He said he'd stop. Soon after we were married he admitted that he'd been with someone a month before we were married. I went ballistic on him. From then on he didnt trust me with private information. From then on I was VERYYYYYY controlling, yelled allot at him (at least once a week), and constantly accused him of cheating on me. Later found out that he wasn't. But, after 7 years of marriage he informed me that he wanted a divorce. I talked him out of it. But, continued my controlling behavior. Soon after I found out that he was having an emotional affair with a woman in a far away state. I made him break it off with her. Change phone number etc.,. This went on back and forth for years. I began to be a little less irate and controlling this year and started to trust him again. In august he told me he didnr want to try anymore. Soon after, found out that he had met with the woman intimately three times this year. This time i didnt insist that he end it. I feel he needs to have has to make the decision and have some form of control of his life. Now I am just sitting back waiting for him to talk, break up with her, or something. As you can guess with my behavior he doesnt talk much/ iThe affair is still going on over the phone. Since I found out he hasnt gone to see her again. Because Im less controlling and giving each other space I see a change in him. He is more attentive and loving. Hes doing things that he hasnt done in months. The waiting is killing me. Hes a very devoted father and a good provider. Am I doing the right thing by letting the affair die on its own? Should I tell him to leave if he goes to see her again? Should I give myself a date for him to end it? PS I also know that she is at the end of her rope with the whole thing.