I can't find the connection

Well, in that case I can see your point. If you've been communicating during this time and he refused to listen then maybe you are on the right course. In my case, my wife and I never spoke about how we felt. I was never given opportunities to change. I'd have gladly listened if I'd been given that choice. Sounds like he's been hearing it, but not listening to it.

Canary-  thank you for the advice, but I have been thinking about leaving my husband for about a year now and I just met the man in October.  So, even if he were to leave me as soon as the divorce was over I am okay with that because in the end I am not leaving him for another man I am leaving because I want to be happy on my own once again.

 

I think what our problem was that we met when we were in high school, got married at age 21 and 18, went to college, I had both of our children in college, started working myself, and all of these changes and the changes in us pushed us apart. 

 

I have been telling him for years to stop with the ugliness and criticisms and that he was pushing me away.  I even told him we needed counseling and he thought I was joking.  So, only now as the actuality of divorce hit him because he pushed me so far away as to go to another man.  It hurst him so badly that I don't know that he or I will ever recover from it. 

 

Even if it wasn't for this guy right now I still see myself leaving in a year.  Because I am not happy and can't see myself being as happy as I would like to be and feel that I deserve to be.  This hurts so much because I don't want to feel like another statistic and feel like I gave up easily, but I have been hurting for so long and not in silence I was speaking up.  So, why and I mean honestly why should I stay so he can attempt to prove to me that he is now going to listen?  One of our friends said that their counselor said that if you can honestly tell yourself that it is over without all the hurt, anger, guilt, frustration, etc.  and calming tell yourself that it is over than it truly is over. 

From reading your posts, it sounds like you're not dead-set on divorce, but he is pushing you that direction.  Yes, the connection can return, and yes, it is worth fighting for, but he's not fighting for it.

It sounds like you're doing as much fighting as you can and it's not enough for him.  It's like a see-saw--pushing a person to just make it better swings the divorce side up.  He needs to give you space.  It'll take time for you to rebuild emotional intimacy, and it will take work, but not intense work.  The best path is nice, slow, little steps.  I think it's worth doing, but only if your husband is willing to walk that path with you, giving you what you need.  Sounds like that's not the case.

Oh, and even if you two do fall in love again. He needs professional help. Suicide is no answer and anyone with such thoughts needs therapy. Maybe even drugs.

Ran out of space.

Bottom line. We should have talked three years ago and today we'd either be deliriously happy with each other or getting a divorce. But at least that way both parties knew it was coming, was prepared for it and willing to go through with it. Lot of what I hear here is a lack of communication, like in my own marriage. And if there had been. Divorces would not be the painful thing that it is because both parties would realize it is necessary. Even if it's not what they want.

I will let go of her. It will kill me. But I will let go. I just want the chance, the time, to prove she's wrong. That this is not where we have to go.

Chpmunk, of course not.   The point I want to make, and I am trying to make to my wife is this:  The decision was one-sided. The spouse had no clue the shoe was about to hit the floor. So for them there hasn't been three years of letting go, of closing off, of putting distance between them.  Because if they had known then what they know now, they could have fought it. They could have been motivated to rekindle that lost love. But now, now when one side no longer cares. It's damn near impossible. It may not be possible. Signs are there but we can be blind to them, we need to get hit right in the face and made to wake up. I knew my marriage was not everything it should be or could be but I didn't know what to do about it. Couldn't talk to her. Was afraid to talk to her. So I did nothing and now. It's going to be too late and everything that means anything to me is going to walk out that door and I've not the chance to prove how much she really does mean to me.    My wife hasn't felt my love for a long, long time. I made mistakes with the relationship, took advantage of her generosity and willingness to do everything I didn't want to, like getting the car's oil changed. I didn't pay attention to her unless it envolved me. I know everything, and the realization is....mind-blowing. Once you have that realization your life changes in an instance and the horrible, terrible reality is that the spouse doesn't see it. Can't see it. Can't feel it.   The only way it can be proved is by action. But now...there's no time left. That's what we spouses want. A chance to prove ourselves. If once we are given that chance and the time is granted, and you still can't love him/her. Then yes, it should be ended for both partner's sakes. I've told my wife I will let her go. I mean that. Though it's the one thing in the world I don't ever wanna give up. But I want first the chance to prove to her my love for her is still alive and kicking and that I can make her happy.

Chpmunk ... I have just read your story and can see where the problem might be. You mention having met someone at work who you have deep feelings for?
Be very careful of these workplace preditors ... what they do is look for married women with emotional needs .. they then become your friends and as you slowly start to share your home problems they model themselves as being the exact opposite to what your husband is. They then slowly convince you that your husband is not good for you leading to you one day waking up and thinking this man is your knight in white armour, transferring your emotions to him. At the same time you can no longer stand your husband.
Be careful, these preditors only do it fot the thrill of getting you into bed and once your divorce goes through they drop you as there is no longer the thrill of going to bed with a married women which. They enjoy the lack of commitment such a relationship brings.
If you do decide to leave your husband, do so before you have a ful blown affair. If this co-worker is honourabel in his intentions he will be prepared to wait.

My wife is in the same position as her. I agree if his heart is true then work on the marriage but first see and if its not then move on. I just wish I could get my wife to feel my heart again. And I too do not know how or what to say to convince her that I am true to my words now

Question for Behaws:  You do sound just like my husband.  I know he loves me sooo much, but I am just so unhappy.  Would you have wanted to stay in a marriage with someone that didn't love you back with the same amount of unconditional love?

We are in counseling, but he keeps getting impatient and wants everything to be just as it was in one day.  All he keeps doing is pushing me when he does this stuff.  I have had those thoughts over and over that I think I would be just fine with being a single mom.  Would it suck and be extremely hard on myself and my children yes.  But, right now our daughter can already see the tension.  I don't want my kids to go one more day with unhappy parents.  Yes could it all get better in two years, maybe.  But, I have been telling him for a long time how unhappy I was and that he was pushing me to the brink of suicide.  But, nothing ever changed, NOTHING.  Until I finally told him you have pushed me to far, now he wants to listen.  Why do I want to keep trying?

But that's the problem. You stopped loving, he didn't. You might as well got hit by a truck and died,  because that's what he is feeling. It's what I am feeling myself. I never could believe in divorce...remember those words "For better or for worse". But I agree, if the marraige can't be saved then you need to move on but...the two of you should try first. If he's not willing to try, if he's not willing to seek counseling. I'd understand. Let it go. He doesn't care and why should you? You may have tried but it's very likely he had no idea that you felt as you did and that he was under scrutiny. It's only after that #$@#ing word is spoken that we realize just how wrong we have been in our relationship with our better halves.

I'm like your stbx, I never stopped loving my wife and I still do and it hurts that she doesn't feel the same. But what hurts even more is that despite all that we have had and could have, she's not willing to try. :(