Marital Assets and me.....

Married 17 years. We both have careers....stbxh made 30 to 60k more than me for the last 4-5 years. Has a share in a business that he claims is going to do badly due to the banking fiasco...says he will make the same as me this year....which is about 60k less than he was making. Talks about possibly having to go out and get a "job". In his field, he could make a substantial salary working for a company. 

After we married,  I paid into my job's pension plan, we used his larger salary to fund the 401k, which is now about 100k.

We have a large mortgage, due to refinancing to renovate 2 years ago....house value dropped and is now worth 100k less than the mtg amount. Spoke with bank and was approved for a loan modification. Would need 1/2 the mtg payment from stbxh to afford to stay in house. The longer I could stay the more of a chance to at least sell at a break-even point.

He will not give me 1/2 the 401k unless I agree to give him 1/2 my pension. I am 10 yrs older than him. He has also purchased many items for himself  the last few years (about 100k worth) - claiming they are not marital assets as he purchased them through his business. He also will not hear about splitting any profit in the business should it be sold in the future (I helped support us for two yrs when he went into the business and wasn't making too much money)

The mediator we spoke with said I would not get any spousal support because he only makes 30k more than me (I did not know when we met with mediator 3 months ago, that he was getting a large payment at the end of last year which boosted his salary to 60k more than me for 2008!)

I really don't want to short sale my house (if the bank even agrees to it). I need him to work with me for a couple of years. Is there any chance I would get spousal support? 

Also, since we have no equity now in the house, and i would like to avoid a short sale, if at all possible, would I be able to get his name off the deed somehow? He desperately doesn't want his name on the mtg, even though I have said I would gladly divide any profit if there should be one. 
Should I try to hang onto the house? A short sale will damage our credit, and make it difficult to own again in the future or even rent! I have tried to explain this to stbxh, he doesn't want to hear it. If we can't buy each other out, how would he get his name off the mtg?

Basically, he wants out of the marriage without any hassles and to be free of obligations, consequences be damned....and I feel like I am getting the shaft here in NY!

PS. I never wanted to renovate this house to the extent we did, but he persisted because he needed to do this to be "happy"....little did I know he was in the midst of a mid-life crisis and was planning on dumping me! Live and learn....the hard way.