Is he pretending I don't exist or could it possibly be guilt?

My STBX ran off with his high school girlfriend and now she is pregnant with his child. We are still married and have a 19-month-old son together.

I wish I could walk away from this man/boy forever and never have to see or hear from him again, but I can't. Not for a long time. We have to communicate about our young son and as we are still married all of our finances are very much intertwined.

As much as I am hurt, disgusted, horrified, etc. I have clearly communicated those feelings and not much more can be said on those subjects that hasn't already been said more than once. So now it's all about the baby and financial issues. Basically since he's moved out he feels that he doesn't "have to" pay the bills and mortgages, even though he co-signed everything and ran up the debt primarily himself.

I'm frustrated because the less we use the lawyers the more money we will save. Once he hired a lawyer he realized he could completely avoid me and let the lawyer handle EVERYTHING! Neither of us can afford that. I can't afford 16 years of going through attorneys to communicate schedule changes or anything.

I've been forced to file for full legal custody because he makes decisions completely opposite to mine regarding our son that are detrimental to us emotionally and financially. He refuses to discuss these issues with me and I just get letters from his lawyer.

Both the master at the PL hearing and the judge at the settlement hearing said that we have got to communicate with each other. I took that direction to heart and as much as I hate it I do communicate with him regarding legal custody issues. He's ignored it communication advice. Probably because I no longer go along with everything he wants now that he no longer wants me as his wife. He thinks his attorney has the power to force me to go along with whatever he wants.

I wonder if he truely wants to pretend I don't exist or if dealing with me makes him feel guilty for being a lying, cheating bastard, or because I apparently am a stronger and smarter woman then he ever realized and he can't handle that now that we aren't on the same side?

For the past year I still wanted to think the best of him. Now I think only the worst. He can only surprise me now by being a good person. I don't think he has it in him.

So I wonder if the avoidance is fueled by guilt or denial.

by BecksMom 232 Posts
Posted on 1/20/2009 9:35 PM

Get Alerts!

send to friend

Send to a friend

Is he pretending I don't exist or could it possibly be guilt? on divorce360.com

E-mail: Separate multiple addresses with commas(,)

From (Your name) :

Your e-mail address:

0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Tags: adultery , avoidance , guilt , denial

Answers for "Is he pretending I don't exist or could it possibly be guilt?" (4) (You must be logged in to answer)

Your story truly touched me as it could have been my own post 1 year ago. I know the pain and confusion that results from their behavior. I went through a time feeling like I must not exist anymore. Thank goodness for the kids they were the only thing that helped me get better. I am in my second year waiting for the divorce to be finalized and much better. His behavior hurt in severely in the settlement. I ended up with the equity in the house to reimburse me for my attorney fees which were extravagent as a result of his ignoring me. Hang in there. There is something magical about two years. I know you have a way to go but you are doing great! Don't let him bully you. That is what this ploy is about. Be strong and don't let him know he is bothering you in any way. So sorry to hear you are going through this.

by kini 4 Posts
Posted on 1/21/2009 9:21 AM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

I would guess that he is avoiding you because he is wanting to live his life like he has done nothing wrong, but it can also be because of the girlfriend too. Alot of times when they get with someone else, they no longer act the same. They do whatever they can to please that new person they are with. He probably feels guilty about what he's done but he is doing whatever he can to please that other woman. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I hope things get better for you.

by deborah-trevino 1099 Posts
Posted on 1/21/2009 7:38 AM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

He's doing this out of guilt pure guilt of what he's done to you and his child. And I agree he's not thinking with his big head he's thinking with his little head that's for sure. He thinks he can run away from his problems and start a "new life" with someone else but what he doesn't realize is - he's taking his problems with him wherever he goes unless he deals with them. They will follow him and haunt him for the rest of his life. Yeah it does suck that he has to be this way and you don't even recognize the person you married and devoted your life to - believe me I know what you are going thru - been there done that with my ex. But you are right you have to keep communicating with him due to having a child together and yeah that also sucks, but with time it does get better. I know people hate to hear that - but with patience and a little time has gone by it does help things alot. Stay strong and stand up for yourself and your child too!! :)

by freedom 1011 Posts
Posted on 1/20/2009 10:59 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

My guess would be both, after all he obviously wasn't thinking with his head, the one above his shoulders, when he got into this situation. Why they think they can avoid the catastrophies left behind, is beyond me, but most think that way. Stay strong, and keep fighting back...

by kdb 3175 Posts
Posted on 1/20/2009 10:47 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Divorce360.com is not a substitute for advice from a lawyer, accountant, financial planner, therapist or other professional to obtain advice. Divorce360.com is not intended to, and should not, take the place of professional advice. The opinions expressed in the divorce360.com message boards are those of the author and the author alone. Divorce360.com does not endorse any specific product or service.