WHY am I CRYING?

My child's dad called today to say he was coming up this weekend (as he does EVERY weekend) and in an effort to avoid hurting his feelings & to keep hubby happy, when I asked him not to come I used the impending inclement weather as my excuse. Whether or not I need an excuse is really irrelevent. I still care about my child's father. Long story short, I asked him not to come, he agreed not to come, then he told our child he would be here and reassured me he was not coming. About 4 hours later, the doorbell rings and guess who's here! Yep, it's HIM!! Great, now what? Hubby thinks he isn't coming and when he calls it's gonna be an all out war. So, I got angry. Not mildly angry or possibly upset but visibly shaking angry. I opened the door and walked away, leaving the door open. I went back to the table, found his few remaining possessions and dropped them on the table where he usually sits. Then, I went back to making my dinner. He says," What's this?" I say," It's your stuff." He got upset. He tried to talk to me, I didn't want to talk. I told him I didn't appreciate being totally disrespected and made to look like a liar to my child. He said he didn't want to be a liar either and I thought, "You didn't have to be a liar, you could have told the child you weren't coming." I had already told the child we were having bad weather and it was too dangerous for daddy to drive in weather this bad. He was on the verge of tears when he left. He wanted me to give in and let him stay. If I had done that, it would mean the end of my marriage. I stood my ground. I didn't let him see me cry. He hugged me 3 times, the 3rd time dropping his arms around my waist to look me in the eyes and say,"I love you". I heard myself say,"I love you too but I can't do this anymore". I know in my heart it has been over for more than a year. Still, something about seeing him cry and knowing he's devastated still hurts me. Why am I crying? Why can't I just not care? I don't want him back. I know we have little in common besides a child. I know he can be happier with someone else. I know I will be happier with my husband. The last couple years we were together were miserable for me. I couldn't be myself because he doesn't like me. He expected to my world, my life, the air I breathe and the reason for my being. I am not that way. I need other people in my life. He doesn't need friends. I do. I know it has to be better for him and for me and our child. He will be happy & I will be happy which will make life better for everyone, right? So why am I so miserable right now? Why does it hurt? Why can't I just let him GO? Why do I still cry? After all the pain and all the fighting, why do I care? WHY? Why does it hurt to see him hurt? To know he doesn't understand that I DO want him to be happy? To know that he can't be happy with me because I will not be happy? Why can't I just stop thinking about how HE feels? Why can't I just think of myself?

I have to go to bed, this is too much for me right now.

by beentheredoneit 210 Posts
Posted on 1/17/2009 11:42 PM

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Tags: sadness , letting go , pain , hurt , suffering

Answers for "WHY am I CRYING?" (9) (You must be logged in to answer)

Then the hardest part is living with the fact that some one dislikes you. Missy you have alot to be blessed just look around. Now the best thing to do is let it go I stayed with a woman for more than 30 years and you know I don't think of her or even talk to her. I have heard she is mad at me, But hey life goes on and that is her problem. If she stays mad then I don't have to worry about seeing her at my front door. What I am saying here he is in the past and yes 6 years seems like a alot of years but it's the past as he is. It seems ( And I have been there) that we keep trying to relive the past forgetting the things that made us do what we did to get where we are today. Let him go but also make it clear that you are married and how he feels does not matter any more it's the man your married to now that has your heart and missy from your post it seem to be a big one that keeps getting broken stop it and live your life happy with out the drama that your EX is tring to create for you. Best of luck to you because when you findly take back control of your emotions instead of some one else controling them their power over you is no more. In short Let him go because he does not matter any more apperently he thought that along time ago because your with some one else. Best of luck.

by Gomezz 732 Posts
Posted on 1/20/2009 9:09 AM

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Everyone---Thank you for your comments. I really needed to vent when I wrote this & I do feel much better today.

Lenn--- I think you covered all the bases. You hit it on the head when you said I love him but I am not in love with him. The love I feel for my child's dad is more like the love you feel for a friend. I hate to hurt him but I know it must be this way. He will eventually find someone who loves him as much as he thinks he loves me. For now, he'll hate me. Maybe someday we can be more than just civil & if not, so be it.

Gomezz---When the OM entered the picture, I was a bartender & he was a customer. The little bar I worked in did little business on day shift & my boss would have had a duck had I turned a customer away. No, I didn't have to allow a relationship to develop. I had no intention of it. It wasn't until after my hubby & I split that the relationship turned into more than just friendship. Still, I accept responsibility for my mistake. And for the chaos it has brought on the lives of my hubby, OM, & my child. I made one hell of a mess. I know that. Hubby took it upon himself to confront OM before we ever considered having a relationship. I don't want or need the affection of child's dad. I am terrible at letting go. I don't want to see him hurt even though I know he is hurt. I would love to walk away as amicably as possible. The man was part of my life for more than 6 years. That's what hurts. Knowing I can't be his friend at all. Knowing he will/does hate me. You're right, I did it. So, I will live with it.

Just to be clear, the ONLY MAN I want affection from is my husband. He is the man I stood with before God & spoke vows promising to spend my life with him & he is the one I want to stand beside for the rest of my life. I thank God every day for my husband & my child. Thanks again for your advice.

by beentheredoneit 210 Posts
Posted on 1/19/2009 6:39 PM

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OK, it seems to me that when you figure out what you want in stead of going back and forth it may get better. Sounds to me you That you knew the other guy was coming to your work place and you did noting to stop it. Now from you ex's perspective is why would he HAVE to confront the other guy. That was your job not his he should have never had to do that. You could tell by what was going on with him it hurt him worse to the point of depression. Now about your feelings for him well missy I would say you are the one mixed up here to the point that there are now 2 men. Your past always tells about your present. He should have known how you were going to feel so he is working on your mixed up emotions hell you told him how you felt with the love word the question is why do you have to tell another man that. That little missy is not for your X but for your present husband. I beleive there is alot more to this story Having to have the effection from 2 different men seems to be playing a big part here. Your crying little missy may be the relization of Drama which may I ask who started.

by Gomezz 732 Posts
Posted on 1/19/2009 10:52 AM

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"I can't fix this."

Such a healthy realization. You can't fix his pain, and you can't fix that he may think you're cold and cruel. You know you're not, and if he cannot understand how you can set boundaries and still care for him, then that's about him.

You will get over it, but it'll take some time. He'll get over it too. Once he's used to the new arrangement, you won't see his pain, so that will help you as well.

For now, hopefully there are people in your life who understand your heart and can be there for you as you struggle through your pain on your way to health.

I certainly wish you the very best.

by lenn 2653 Posts
Posted on 1/18/2009 11:15 AM

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Hubby is more than understanding, in my opinion. He really isn't trying to cut child's dad out of our life completely. He just wants boundaries---clear cut, firmly established boundaries. Because there will have to be boundaries if hubby and I are going to work on our marriage. I know this but I still can't feel good knowing I have sent my child's father away so deeply wounded. I could see it in his eyes, all over his face, hear it in his voice. I did well not to cry in front of him. But I know this just leaves him thinking I am a cold, cruel woman. That hurts too. I am not uncaring, cold & cruel. I care deeply and I do want him to be happy. I don't make him happy---not truly happy. We weren't happy together the last 2 and a half years we spent together. He has to know that. We fought, we barely spent any time together. It would seem obvious. Anyway, I want him to find happiness with someone who has the same interests and can be happy living with his parents. I am not that person. As for depression, I am a little depressed right now. I keep seeing his face just before he left and it makes me cry. To see that much pain on his face and know he doesn't understand and he never will, that hurts. I can't fix it. I know that and I will get over it. Just not today. As for hubby, it's hard to talk to him today. I don't feel it's right to cry on his shoulder about this and I know it will only make him angry if he thinks OM has hurt me. So, I am left with few options. I will pull myself together later, dust myself off and go on. I must. I have a child who needs me and deserves a mom who is coping not one who is breaking. I have no intention of attempting to deny OM his rights to see his child. While nothing has been established in court yet, OM has previously agreed to visitation every other weekend with holidays to be discussed & some exceptions to be made. Hubby is fine with that arrangement. We'll see. I just want to get over feeling sad for hurting OM AND my child.

by beentheredoneit 210 Posts
Posted on 1/18/2009 11:05 AM

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I feel the same way. I'm just little over a year divorced. I hate him but I still care for him. He says to everyone he still loves me yet he never calls me. And because I was screwed by my liars I can cry on the drop of a dime. I guess us as women care too much.

by Sookie222 15 Posts
Posted on 1/18/2009 8:32 AM

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(Oh...and I should probably add that I know you're not interested in a relationship with him; I just threw that in for the sake of symmetry.)

The general answer to your question is that you love him and care for him, and that is good. But you cannot let that love lead you to blow up your life, your husband's life, and even his life. This man clearly invests more into his nights over than he should, so for his sake, you must endure the pain and deny him that access--it is not loving to spare his short-term feelings and hurt his long-term emotional growth. That means keep your "I love you"s and your home to yourself, as much as it may hurt to know that he is hurting when you do so.

Does that make any sense? It's pretty late for me right now...

by lenn 2653 Posts
Posted on 1/18/2009 3:39 AM

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Good Lord this is ugly.

Proposition number one: your husband has no right to demand that your former lover not be involved in your life, but he has every right to demand that he not stay the night with you.

Proposition number two: you former lover clearly does not respect your boundaries. He agreed not to come, reiterated that he was not coming, and then came anyway. There's violation of your boundaries number one. Then his words to you indicate that he does not accept that the relationship is over, meaning he gets a lot more out of staying the night than merely time with his child. Since you have indicated that the relationship is over, that's violation of your boundaries number two. Further, that's all the more justification for your husband's demand--you may be done with former lover, but it doesn't sound like he's done with you, and he's using your child to maintain an illicit relationship with you--illicit first, because it means more to him than it does to you and second, because your husband would flip if he knew the man sleeping on the couch wanted to be sleeping on the floor beside his wife.

Proposition number three: you still care because you love him--you may not be in love with him anymore, but you love him, and that makes it hard to hurt him.

Proposition number four: for the sake of everyone involved, you need to draw very firm boundaries. If he is just your child's father, then the boundaries need to reflect that. If he is more, then you should tell your husband that you still have feelings for a man who spends the night with you on the weekends, and let your husband make an informed decision. You owe him that.

Proposition number five: if you want your marriage to survive, you'll have to do something very hard; job or no, you'll have to cut this man out of your life. Not your child's life, but your life, and that means from today on, he stays in a hotel.

That's the way I see it.

by lenn 2653 Posts
Posted on 1/18/2009 3:13 AM

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BDTI - I'm wondering if your tears are more out of frustration than anything else. You are torn between worlds that you put yourself into by your own actions and you have reason to be loyal to both. Neither of your worlds understand your need to be loyal to both. I have a feeling you are clinically depressed and should get help for it if you haven't already.

Your husband thinks he needs to be number one & you loyal to him and him only, and that includes putting your son second, because you have a hell of a lot of making up to do for your mistake that now has lifetime implications.

Your lover thinks you should be loyal to him because he is the father of your son. He has rights that you don't have the right to trample on just because you made the mistake you did.

I have no idea how you can possibly not be to the point of breaking mentally with that amount of stress on you. Self inflicted or otherwise.

If this is going to work, you husband needs to accept that this man, your one time lover, is in your relationship for the rest of it - and he has to accept him into it. You can't run interference and weave lies and half truths - it's going to lessen you as a person. If he can't do that for you, then he can't truly forgive you and move forward. So that is something you are going to have to think long and hard about.

I know you want like hell to make your marriage work, but you will not be able to deny the father of your son his rights in order to do it.

Something has to give BTDI - this as it is now - isn't working. Everyone is still suffering. What is the next step?

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 1/18/2009 1:28 AM

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