Anyone have thoughts on what this disorder is?

We all want to find excuses.  But the reality of it is there is NO excuse for his behavior. Don't feel bad though, cheaters tend to be quite charming.  Mine was, especially to people out side of our family. I was married to my STBX for 22.5 years. He cheated on me several times that I know of.  I tried to make it work but he kept going back to it because he got away with it.  Everyone keeps telling me "once a cheater, always a cheater".   I gave mine every chance to prove them wrong and he blew it. Count your blessings that it didn't last longer.  I don't know why it is so easy for the cheaters to move on and the faithful partners left behind struggle with it. We did nothing wrong....  Stop looking for excuses and consentrate on yourself and your baby. You are better off with out him.

The reality is that I'm looking to make excuses for him. I want to blame an illness or mental condition for his sudden (?) change. He seems so unlike the man I've known for 13 years. But perhaps I never really knew him. I've learned a lot about him over this past year. He is a very broken man: physically, mentally and emotionally. But I have yet to come up with an excuse that makes all of his immoral, selfish, cruel actions justifiable in the least.

I think part of my wanting an excuse is because I'm so embarrassed to have been married so long to a man with such low/non-existent morals and values. I thought he was a good man. Now I find out that what he was good at was lying, deceiving, creating an image of who I wanted him to be.

 

Also, a crazy part of me thinks that if I can diagnose an illness then he can be fixed. He can't and doesn't want to and doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. Even if he does, it's too late for us...way, way too late. So why should I even care now.

Right on lenn. My point exactly.

Making a psychiatric diagnosis implies that there is a 'treatment' for the disorder. But before that can happen the affected person must want to be treated, that there is something wrong in their lives. The pain of that life must exceed the fear of treatment.

Most of the people that are doing the betrayal will rarely see it as their problem that needs treatment. They seem to find solace in the arms of someone else, and then someone else when that one wears off and becomes commonplace.

Sounds like a bad case of selfishness to me, but I'm not a professional...

Perhaps he had gradually checked out of your relationship but didn't have the courage to be alone? Then she came along, and the decision might have seemed easier at that moment. I think my ex might have been in that situation. When he announced his affair, I couldn't believe how easy it seemed to end it all...then I began to realize that he had been gradually becoming more distant/open to meeting someone else.

Then he did, and---BAM---insta-relationship!

It is NOT Anti-Social Personality Disorder.  Only trained professionals can diagnose PDs, and no one should toss around APD lightly, based on a cursory DSM reading.  We all have traits that are consistent with one disorder or another, sometimes very strongly, but that does not mean we or they have a disorder.  Personality disorders are marked by an all-pervasive warping of the personality, and it takes a trained eye to see it.  Cheating, lying, regressing, abusing, manipulating, acting, etc., can be evidence of a disorder, but it is not conclusive.  For each personality disorder, a cluster of Axis I diagnoses can be constructed that results in the exact same behavior.  So, unless the behavior is way over the top (and there are some people who have dealt with that on D360), we are just making up stories when we seek to explain it in terms of PDs.

Sorry for hopping on a stump, but Axis II diagnoses are tossed around way too lightly, especially by those seeking to explain how he/she could treat me that way.

I have to agree that this is not a disorder but rather a guy who has a fantasy about his high school sweetheart and is trying to recapture that fantasy love.

Its sad that he just wants you to go away when you have a new baby.    Is he planning on just ignoring that baby and embracing their new child?   That is just heartbreaking for your son.

The disorder is called "antisocial personality disorder."  I researched it.  I'm going to almost EXACTLY the same thing you are.  My STBX pretended like he adored me!  People at my church testified that they wanted a marriage just like ours.  Now, he's off with a woman 15 years his junior with 4 kids!  After my credit is ruined and I have nothing left to offer financially, he's gone!  I really, REALLY understand.  It's very difficult to go through those extremes, but you - and I - will make it just fine!  Keep working at it.  Remember, people with that disorder don't really have remorse.  They are GREAAAAAT actors!  Be very happy that he's with someone else, so you don't suffer more by being with him.  The Laci Peterson story really helps me remember that my STBX has a problem.  I hope it never get as tragic and horrific as that story.  Be glad he wants to be with someone else and run for your life!  That's what I'm trying to do, too.  And forget the FARCE that he put on for you.  I've got to do the same.  I know you will find your peace.

Hi Becksmom, I am very sorry that you ended up being involved with your stbx.

I am a physician and a lawyer. I have studied psychology a great deal at one time thinking of a PhD in the subject. I'm also a 53 y/o man.

I have to agree with what has been posted below, I don't think your stbx necessarily has a DSM4 disorder (although without a lot more information it would be hard to say), I think he is just a garden variety immature jerk and his actions imply that he is well on his way to being a full blown loser.

To be blunt, based on what you have said, I think there is little that can be gained by you if you try to make him come to his senses. I don;t think he will. I think he will continue moving from woman to woman and fathering new babies along the way.

I would work as quickly as you can to get a divorce being sure to tag him with child support, and then move on. I think he is a lost cause.

Good luck . . . .

i'll say this much on men as a man......i know woman don't really want to hear this but here it goes and please don't take this to heart. see it only as a fact. we men know exactly what we most want in a woman that we've been attracted to.....and that's been that way sense the begining...for me it's having that woman as a true friend,partner,soul mate,and one who can be very opened minded about everything....to speak openly with confidense,100% faith because us men tend to hold back alot of that....and that's where a woman should always go into a relationship with open mind first and not the heart. this way you start a slow courtship (i'm old fashioned) but it works.....do you know how very hard it is to do that!......we are just to much in a hurry for what we think is love but it's not....it's the idea of wanting what's in front of us and when that first touch,kiss,eye contact,smell of each other etc. ....hits!....we don't realize that it's just that!.....(CRAVINGS). If love was so easy to fall into (and it's not!)this would be a perfect world. I'm a romantic and that means only that I extremely like to pamper my lady with flowers,kisses,touching,wispers,eye contact,and of course love making. It's part of my courtship and the talks,walks,and cuddling falls into place with every moment. but the word love.....should never even be thought of because it's only courtship.......the building process in a great relationship.....so when all is known about each others dreams,past historys(not faults)wants and needs then one knows each others heart beat......only then will the two actually look into each others eye's and begin to cry...knowing and breathing each others LOVE for one another without a doubt. This I know as a man to be Fact. No, I don't worry as to when this will happen for me because it's not for me to jump to any conclussions. For I must focus on courtship to pull the chair for you and open doors for you and let you know that I am only a man tha

Yep, he has a baby on the way. I expect it's due in the spring. We'll probably still be married at this rate. He avoids any settlement discussions. He just wants me to go away.

He said our life was too hard. I just don't see how his new life is easier. He's twice as broke now as before and has 100x more stress.

 

His obsession just seems so unnatural. Wierd.

Spaz is right. 

 

But if we're ticking down disorders, then NOT Narcissism, NOT Co-Depenacy, NOT...

 

I mean, he may be a little narcissistic, a little co-dependant, a little...but if he had a full-blown personality disorder, you'd know.

 

So to me, sounds like just one more man-boy.

I think Spaz hit it.   He is going back to a time when things were carefree.  Trouble is that he will have to face the real world sooner or later.  Sounds like (if he has a child on the way with OW) it will be sooner.  The grass seems to look greener on the other side to many people but they soon find out differently.  Unfortunately, usually it's too late...

Take care of you and your child the best you can. 

My ex didn't run to someone else when things got tough, he just didn't run to ME!  I agree, some can't deal with adversity at all.  Sounds like your ex can't deall with reality.  I agree with Spaz and Blue- it's not a mental disorder, it's immaturity.

Could just be that he became an asshole...not everything is a disorder or mental disease.  I'm not trying to be flippant or make light of your plight.  But, sometimes, especially in trying times, people show their true colors.  Perhaps with the mounting pressures of debt and the demands of being a parent, he sought refuge and escape...and found it in his old H.S. sweetheart.

With you, he no longer had the life that he wanted...so he bailed and now has it with someone else...until there's some kind of turbulence and trouble with that relationship...when that happens, you can bet he'll bail on her too.  He's a good man as long as everything is going smooth and going his way...when there's a challenge?  He tucks tail and runs.  That's not a disorder...that's cowardice.

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this.  I know it can't be easy.  Just take this time to work on you and get yourself through it.  Your child needs you, and he isn't going to step up to the plate.  I wish you the best of luck with all this...keep us posted!

stupid & childish doesn't necessarily mean a disorder of any kind...

you have to remember, teen years were carefree - some people are just not up to responsibility - he wants simple back. He's chasing the past because it was easier.

 

Some people conquer adversity, some hide tail and run...