Call OW's husband?

I say call the OW's husband, and the reason I say this is becuz that's exactly what I did.  I called the OW's hubby and told him guess what your wife is f*cking my husband, and he moved out and is living down the street from you.  I gave him my ex's name, address, they work at the same place not very far from each other too!!  Guess he went down to my ex's apartment and pounded on the door, her car was parked outside and his was too.  Of course noone answered the door becuz they are both p*ssies!!  He also followed them around and caught them in a baseball field parking lot making out in broad daylight like a couple of horny teenagers.  He walked up to the passsenger side window where my ex was sitting and pounded on the window and said the look on my ex's face was PRICELESS!!  Yeah they got caught red handed and my ex called me and cussed me out becuz he knew who told on him- and I told him well if you wouldn't stick your dick where it doesn't belong then maybe you wouldn't be in this situation.  I told him I didn't put you in this predicament - you and the whore did!! :)  I have some people say that I shouldn't have told him and then I have people say good for you!!  I guess everyone has their different point of views on this, but I have no regret for what I've done!! None at all!!  You need to do what you feel is best for you and not what everyone else is telling ya to do.  Whatever makes you feel good - then do it.  I'm glad I followed my heart and did it, at least he knows now and he can have closure and move on with his life like I hopefully can too!! :)

well, I don't think I'll tell him, I don't want him to hurt my husband

I often think that I would love to "take the blue pill" meaning I would prefer not to know the truth and live a lie. But that's the easy way out and it's not healthy. The truth hurts, and it's what we all need. I would have liked to have known about my husband's affair from the beginning. Knowing about it now I feel like a complete moron having said some of the loving things I said to him and talked to him of the plans I was making for us for the future he knew we weren't going to have together.

PLUS, I found out that all my personal e-mails to him he was sending to his mistress and they were laughing at me. How cruel! Had I known about her at that time I would not have e-mailed my husband my most personal thoughts and feelings only to have him betray me like that.

So YES - tell the OW's husband. I told the husband of the OW. I knew he knew, but I wanted to make sure that she wasn't lying to him about why she wanted a divorce like my husband was lying to me. My STBX spent weeks pounding it into my head that I was a horrible wife and this was all my fault. the OW told her husband the exact same thing. Like they came up with the same story they thought would be the easiest way out of their marriages. He rollover like a dog and let her take advantage of him. I stood up and am giving my STBX the fight of his life. No one is going to treat me like that and leave me broke and responsible for all the bills while he's off partying! Nope. No one else is going to stand up for me so I've got to do it myself.

i think that if you love him enough and you can forgive him and both go to counseling maybe yes, but if you cant see yourself not forgiving him then i dont see why you would put yourself through some more pain. you have enough pain right now. so the ball is in your court. i hope this helps and i am sorry that you are feeling stuck. i hope you can get yourself out.

cherbear

Brando07, I think its important to state that you did not cause the pain to the OM's wife. The pain is a result of the affair between your wife and the OM.

As I've stated before I never had to do this because I came to find out the the OM's wife already knew about the affair and condoned it on some level. When my wife broke it off with the other man I had gotten an email from her telling me to leave them alone, that they are in love. I resented the fact that she knew and didn't fill me in.

You just elected to opt out of the lies, and I applaud your decision. If it was me, I would want to know . . .

thtx

Wow, does your question rekindle some tough decisions.  I understand EXACTLY what you are feeling in regards to the phone call.  It was a thought that I could NOT get out of my head during the first few months of discovering my wife's affair with her former "boss". In fact, it was right at two months after discover that I did exactly that, let the OM's wife know what had been happening.I can only speak for me and I realize that not everyone's situation will be the same.  I would absolutely say that it was the best decision I made in regards to this whole, sordid mess.  Since my wife's lover was in a "power position" (the ol' work affair) over her and there was immense travel in both of their jobs, I felt I needed someone on my side to make sure this crap was over with.I got lucky in the aspect that the OM's wife was not aware of the affair and she actually was very grateful that I let her know.  I framed it around the concept of "I need your help, here".  The OM was immediately called home from a work trip and I have never seen/heard from him since then.  My wife did not understand (we are trying to reconcile) and didnt' appreciate bringing pain towards someone (my wife had met her several times) and she viewed the endeavor as revenge, spitefulness, etc.  I really didn't give a shit.My motivation was probably more along the lines of yours.  Although my wife said it was over (and it has turned out to be true to this point) I believed that at the time the OM needed a reminder that he should never contact my wife again and that is what has happened.  Do I feel remorseful at the pain I know I've caused this woman whom I've never met?  Yes, I do to a certain degree.  But, I also feel liberated in the fact that I have an ally (we have never spoken since I called her, but it was an almost transcendent feeling I believe we both shared) and that she will make sure that this is over.  If I had to do it again, I would make the call without hesitation. Hope this helps

hi Greatdad; In my response I was considering the fact that the OW had already come clean to her husband so I didn't see the value in reaching out to the OM again with the details,  especially with a long term affair.

 

In general you are right that the other person (in my case I was the wife of the guy who cheated) has a right to know but I think its much less damaging to the innocent party if the cheating spouse has had the chance to come clean first.    

timeless-

What if the OW husband doesn't know? Doesn't he have the right to find out.

Like I said earlier, it's tough because he is going to be upset. However if the OM's wife had not called me, she would most likely still be having this affair behind my back. Even though I was upset I'm glad I found out.

What's your goal in calling the OW's husband?  Revenge?  To help him (a complete stranger) out?    or do you think this will help keep her away from your husband?

 

If his affair lasted 4 years then this is an emotional investment that he and the OW were heavily involved in.  

Instead of worrying about the OW and her situation with her husband I would sincerely suggest that you focus all your energy on repairing YOUR marriage.    I would let the OW go in peace.    You have much bigger issues at stake.

I did call the OW's husband.  I also sent a letter outlining what I had discovered and mailed it to his job so that she would not find it and destroy it.  He never contacted me asking for the "proof" or anything else but they did end their marriage shortly thereafter.  Do I feel guilty?  No way.  She destroyed my marriage and my family and I believe that what happened between her and her husband in their marriage was of no doing of my own.  She made her bed.  There were kids involved on both sides and I can honestly say that that part does make me sad.

Most likely he already knows, I found out that a lady I used to work with years ago lives down the road from them and she said the whole neighborhood knows she's a cheater, she's been married probably 25 years, so great, my husband took up with the town slut!

thtx-

I agree that the cheating spuse could never understand the pain. Mine has decided to leave me for this new man but constantly thinks she has done her utmost to minimize the pain for me. She has no clue! I am sensitive to everyting now. She honestly thinks I should just be able to switch off my feelings for her like she has for me. It just cant happen.

I, too, am in the postiton of being the other woman's husband. When I discovered my wife's affair I told her that I was considering calling the wife of her other man. She asked why and I told her that I would want to know and that if this guys wife had found out first, I would hope she would have let me know.

Instead I called the OM and told him that if the affair continued or if resumed then I would call his wife.

When just a few days later I discovered more emails I called the OM again and told him that he should tell his wife, before I did.

I came to find out that she knew already! She had found out about 6 months earlier. During the next few days I even got an email from her telling me I should leave them alone, that they are in love! More devastation . . .

I couldn't believe that of the 4 of us, I was the only one out of the loop.

So, beware of finding something like this out. It brought a new set of heartache to me.

At this early stage you really need all the help you can get. I'd get both individual and couples counseling if you can afford it. Try your best to find out if your husband really means to reconcile. Hopefully he will go the extra mile, but don't be surprised if he continually underestimates the pain you are in. My wife certainly did, and still doesn't know just how bad she hurt me.

I am still with my wife two years later. It still hurts, just not nearly as bad. IN the beginnning it was the worst experience I have yet to encounter.

And BTW, married 30 years, two adult children, I was never unfaithful.

Best of luck. My thoughts are with you.

If her wants to reconcile with you will you take him back? Will you be able to trust him again? Will you be able to look at this as a mistake that he made and be willing to overlook it? These are questions you have to answer for yourself.

As for calling the OW husband that is tough. Being in the position of the OW's husband, I can tell you that when I recieved that call it was very hard to hear. Almost unbelievable. I would have been upset with the woman that called if my STBX had not confessed to what she was up to.
Looking back I'm glad I recieved the call because if I hadn't who knows how long my STBX would have been having the affair behind my back.