Ex-husband's Mistress Causing MORE problems!!

THANK YOU ALL! I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond! There was a lot of great advice here. HOWEVER, I don't think I will ever be able to make this woman an ally. I know my husband is to blame for cheating, but she knew he was married, she met my kids (I have pictures of her with my children while we were married)...I literally walked in on the 2 of them one day (in the act) she was at fault as well...like i said "it was a BAD divorce". It doesn't help matters that this girl is 10 years younger than me either. I would never hurt my daughters. When they talk about this OW I just say "oh, how nice..." They have NO idea why their father and I divorced. I would never put them in the middle. But at the same time, I don't feel like I should "help" the OW build a relationship with my girls. I feel as though she is taunting me with the text messages/phone calls/ and gifts that she buys for my daughters.
Thank you all again!

I'll try to tell my story as briefly as possible. I was OW in similar situation with my first husband (Call him "E"). Found out he wasn't divorced when his wife came to see me. Divorce had been started but they were trying to reconcile (at least, she was). They had 2 young boys who had already been to my apartment more than once, so I was very upset & shocked to learn he was NOT divorced. Within 2 months, they were divorced (and who could blame her!!). Anyway, young & stupid, I let E make amends and we eventually got married. The boys were with us every other weekend. Honestly, they were with ME every other weekend because their dad was, I'll skip what he is. E was barely around when his boys were there. I never called the boys at home, nor did I have them call me anything except my name. They loved me and I loved them. It didn't take long for their mom to realize that I was the one taking care of her boys & I was the one they were spending time with on weekends. We were almost friends by the time I left my first husband. She would talk to me about the boys (what they needed, if they had meds, etc.) when she came to drop them off & it got to a point where she didn't care if E was even there when they arrived. The really sad part, we moved 4 hours away for about 3 months. Before the move, we met E's ex & the boys to say goodbye. His oldest (4 yrs at the time) unfastened his seatbelt, jumped out of the car, ran passed his dad & around to the passenger side of our car, opened my door and hugged ME! E got back in the car looking like someone punched him in the gut & whined that his son didn't even notice him. I said,"well, if you ever spent any time with him, maybe he would!" I guess my point is same as the rest, this woman could become an allie if you let her. I doubt she wants to replace you or even thinks she could. Most people realize that we all have parents & for most of us, those parents a

Your first mistake was the cell phone.    I can certainly understand what you are feeling....trust me, I do.   I would make some rules.  Phone is to to be used ONLY  when you are away from home.  Put the phone away.   End of story, you are paying for it you are allowed to set the rules of the game.  You can always tell them they are too young for a cell. It was just he circumstances that made you buy one and ONLY when they are at your ex's place.

I'd have to say I agree with gregory1969 here.  Stand up for yourself to let them know you aren't taking it.  Yeah she's going to be in his life and the kids need to learn to deal with that on their terms not on hers and how she's basically sweet talking them into liking her becuz it's called guilt of being the OW.  My ex left me for an OW and claims that the boys need to learn to like her becuz he might marry her someday-whatever.  I realize she's in his life and all and that's why he doesn't see his kids anymore due to her, but for my youngest son's b-day she got him a gift and he didn't even like what she got him.  My boys don't even like her - becuz they aren't around her enough to get to know her on their terms and see if they like her.  They only know that she has taken their dad away from them, but he's also chosen the path he's taken - it's not just her doing it- it's both of them together.  She shouldn't be forcing herself on the kids, but letting them form their own opinion of her and accepting her in their own way.  I also don't like it when people mess with kids emotions and feelings and the kids are confused enough as it is with their parents getting a divorce without the OW in the picture to make things more confused than ever.  They need stability and security!!  Good luck to you.

I will share a little of my situation.

My stbxw left me for a drunk and a man that has drug problems. I have been disrespected several times by both of them in front of our children. Consequently our children are separated because of this immoral behavior. I have been to his probation about illegal activities that are being committed around our three yr old. Nothing has been done to put a stop to this behavior. There are a lot of bitter feelings on both sides. I am not bitter or angry for leaving but the way that our children have been treated. If she wants to live with a drunk, no working, no child support paying individual that is HER God given choice. This man has came between me and my stbxw several times concerning our children. I have told them both that if it involves our children it is between me and her. Well low and behold this man who is lacking in judgement conered me and threatened me in front of our eleven yr old. He started the situation and I finished it. Just make sure there are no witnesses. He now has a greater deal of respect for me and some of the problems (trying to take my place with our three yr old) is under control. I tried for sixteen months to handle this in a civilized manner but the only way I got through to him was to whoop his a**. I am not a violent person and never raised a hand towards anybody. I am not advocating violence, but show them you mean business and don't be intimidated by them at all. I agree when the kids are with you their dad should be the one to contact them. I'd keep the cell phones in my posession at all times only until they went to their dad's.  Show them you mean business. It sickens me when other people want to mess with children's emotions and feelings. They should accept her on their terms and time. Our eleven yr old hasn't accepted him or her new baby and I don't think he ever will by her sorry choices she made by mistreating our son.  Good Luck and God Bless

Okay, I married a man that had 2 children, he had been divorced for 6 years, as soon as ex-wife knew ex-hubby had someone he was serious about moved back to California from Washington. We had his children ages 9 and 5 every Wednesday and was supposed to be every other weekend but ended up every weekend, his children asked me if they could call me "Mom", I was 23, educated enough and explained that they only have "one" Mom, I would be their step-mom but asked them out of respect for their Mother, to call me by my first name. I did have a good relationship with the children but never wanted to take "Mom's" place.
I have been married to the same Man for 29 years this May, the children are grown with kids of their own and they thank me and their Mom for us trying to be friends, which at times was difficult, but, we spend every holiday together.
Please, for the sake of your children, try to get along with this women in the long run you and your family will be adjust and be happier for it. Children are the ones who suffer the most.  Good luck and God Bless

Take a deep breath and just be grateful your husband didn't choose a woman your daughters can't stand.  Honestly this is not a bad thing.    She can actually be an ally in caring for your daughters.   Since you and your ex don't get along you may want to change your approach and invite her help with your daughters.

Honestly, this is not about you any longer.  Yes it was horrible thing to have happen (I have been through it too and have a a young daughter too) but YOU have to move on and find a way to make this work so your daughters don't have to witness the anger and ugliness.     Work the situation to your advantage.     Encourage a relationship between them so that she can run interference for you.    Believe me she will get your ex to do things you could never dream of.  

I had to come to the same realization.    My therepist told me that my daughter was the looser if I turned into the angry, resentful ex-wife.    

What helped me is realizing (with a ton of therepy) that she is not the reason my family broke up.........he is...he did that to us.   If it wasn't her there are a million others he would have picked from.    He was the one who looked for and found someone new and he is the one who broke his vows.    She is merely a participant in his story.

Well, if she texts from her own cell phone you could probably get in touch with the cell phone provider to block the number. If they don't do that, then no, there isn't any legal recourse for it - she isn't harassing anyone - then kids don't object - only you do.

realistically, you should invest in the phones that are specifically designed to be for children, where there are restrictions and parental control.

Thing is though, it looks like this woman is in your and your kids lives for the long haul - and at some point, if you like it or not, it's going to fall on you to foster the relationship between the girls and her, especially if they eventually marry. If your children like her they are not going to understand your hostility when they find out you blocked her from contacting them (and they will find out)

You have to put things into perspective - SHE didn't destroy your family, your husband did. You need to move on from the anger of it at some point - you are better off not being married to a cheater....