Help me help my clients # 2 Inter - racial relationships

Afternoon its Steven with hopefully another thought inspiring discussion on relationships.

For those who read " Help me help my clients #1" one of the issues that the couple was working on was his families coldness towards her ( He is Greek and she is Black) she felt that this was due to racism.

In my current couples class that just started I have an engaged young white and black couple and for them the "racial" difference seems to be a non factor.

However just today I received a call from a black man who has been married to an Armenian woman for several years. Her family, esp her father was dead set against their marriage and pretty much shunned her even though her husband tried to speak with her father and ask for her hand respectfully.

Sadly the couple had pretty lousy communication from day 1 which has only gotten worse. She has been out of the house and moved back in with her family for 2 weeks now. He feels that her family has just been waiting for something like this to get her back.

He has been hurt very badly by this constant disrespect but really wants to get her back. As of right now she is resistant to seeing him or talking to him. Hopefully they will attend my Feb couples class...

I myself am in a " inter -racial" relationship and had a very difficult time getting married to my wife so I have first hand experience dealing with this.

I welcome the community to share stories, advice and resources for couples who are walking this road.

1) Are you or where you in an mixed relationship? What was it like?

2) What unique challenges did you have?

3) What caused things to get better or worse ( things to watch out for)

*** I do NOT want this to be a place where different races or groups are bashed ***

If you experienced racism and rejection as I did I would like to know about it, but stay respectful please.

Type away!

by stevenatmrc 137 Posts
Posted on 1/12/2009 11:53 AM

Get Alerts!

send to friend

Send to a friend

Help me help my clients # 2 Inter - racial relationships on divorce360.com

E-mail: Separate multiple addresses with commas(,)

From (Your name) :

Your e-mail address:

0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Tags: steven hernandez , racism , relationships , inter-racial dating , marriage , marriages , family , culture , the marriage resource center , www.mimarriage.org , fights , communication , remarriage , in -laws , help me clients

Answers for "Help me help my clients # 2 Inter - racial relationships" (6) (You must be logged in to answer)

I have an update from the couple I mentioned in my previous blog:

The husband called us back and told us:

" I spoke to my wife and she refuses to come to couseling. She wants to get out of the marriage. She said she wanted to be with someone she can take home to her family".

Ugh - what a thing to hear.

by stevenatmrc 137 Posts
Posted on 1/14/2009 10:23 AM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

by stevenatmrc 137 Posts
Posted on 1/14/2009 10:23 AM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

I don't have personal knowledge, but I would like to make a comment or two. My belief is that if two people love each other and can overcome obstacles (not just race), then they have the right to be happy. They have to consider that others may not be accepting, and that if they have children, they will probably be exposed to these attitudes. In my marriage, we were both Christians, but her father was a different denomination and hated my beliefs. Funny, his wife was the same as me. So I guess there was some religious bias there. He never said it to me, but I believe he didn't recognize our marriage as valid because we didn't get married at his church. Anyway, I have given this much thought, and I believe "Religion" is harder to overcome within the marriage, but outside the marriage, race is an obstacle. The thing to keep in mind is, no matter what you are, (religion, race, ethnicity, gay, straight, or whatever) there are going to be others who don't like you for their own reason. It's a matter of deciding if you are willing to take the good with the bad. I'm not saying it's right, I just see that as being reality. In your case, you are trying to help people, don't worry how others judge you. If her family has trouble with it, just be the best husband and son-n-law you can be. Maybe they will realize they should judge you by what you do and might even see you are a better person than they.

by Dadof2 1465 Posts
Posted on 1/12/2009 11:30 PM

	1	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Shoot...up until all those asterisks, I was all hot and heavy to unload a racist diatribe that would make the KKK blush...

by lenn 2653 Posts
Posted on 1/12/2009 1:49 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

ahh..adds..

references to catholic and jewish marriages were for examples only. I realize there are MANY more ways of "mixing" than just those.

by delia_M 2861 Posts
Posted on 1/12/2009 1:42 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

I have no knowledge of inter-racial relationships on a personal level but I can always add my two cents.

I am the first born of my generation on my father's side. I have a younger cousin I have never met. I never even knew he existed until I was a young adult.

He is mixed. My aunt had a brief relationship with an African American man in her youth, which resulted in a son. Her father, my grandfather, disowned her, and refused to allow the boy's name even be mentioned in his household.

He was alienated his whole life from half of his family, by no fault of his own other than simply being born. Backwoods southern mentality of the early 70's....

I still haven't met my cousin but I'd love to one day if I could make it down where he and his wife/children live. I feel like I missed out on have a cousin who, for once, would have been my age, instead of being (literally) the middle child of all my cousins combined. The closest to me in age on either side was four years.

I have no personal bias toward marriages between races, but I feel sad because not only do they face political and often religious difficulties, you also need to understand the dynamic of cultural differences, just the same as the troubles faced between Catholic/Jewish marriages.

It takes open mindedness and determined effort in even marriages of the same race/culture/religion. I can imagine it would be doubly so for interracial ones.

I must say though, when couples can make it work, it is a beautiful sight to behold. They are often just simply beautiful people inside where it counts most.

by delia_M 2861 Posts
Posted on 1/12/2009 1:40 PM

	2	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Divorce360.com is not a substitute for advice from a lawyer, accountant, financial planner, therapist or other professional to obtain advice. Divorce360.com is not intended to, and should not, take the place of professional advice. The opinions expressed in the divorce360.com message boards are those of the author and the author alone. Divorce360.com does not endorse any specific product or service.