reverting to maiden name

I was in my mid-thirties when I married and I wasn't comfortable with changing my last name. I felt like I was losing my identity. So I discussed it with my stbxh and he felt I should do what I felt comfortable with.


My marriage certificate has MyMmaidenName-HisLastName. I use the hyphenated name for business and I let my family know that they could use the Mr and Mrs HisLastName for any mailings (i.e., invitations, etc).


Never changed my license, passport, credit cards. I file my taxes using the hyphenated name and my soc sec information is mailed to me using the hyphenated name.

Strangely, my family all sent me Christmas Cards this year using my maiden name only - they didn't even put stbxh's name on there! My sister just told me a cousin recently asked what name she should use on an invitation that she is sending me. My sister told her to use my maiden name!
Oddly enough, I am a little annoyed that my family has decided what name I will use! I have decided to keep using the hyphenated name for business....for now. The only reason is because I like using those three initials when I sign things at work! 

Plus, if I change it at work people will know I am divorced and start asking me questions...or God forbid, feel sorry for me...or even worse not find me in the email list! :)

I can understand why someone married 35 years would continue using a husband's last name. But she shouldn't use his first name anymore.

why do you want her to change her name?  after 35 years of marriage and children and grandchildren.....what is the reason you would want her to not have the name/identity she has had for so very long?
by Paula1

The operative word is "identity". She has chosen to cease being my wife. My wife is Mrs. John Doe. My question is if you want to divorce someone why would you want to keep their last name. Why would you want to be "identified" with someone you won't stay married to? My stbx and I once had a talk about etiquette years ago and she never liked using the proper form Mrs. John Doe she preferred Mrs. Jane Doe. I kidded her and told her that is what divorced women use.The proper usage is Mrs. John Doe. She asked what do widows use? I changed the subject because of the look in her eye. :)    We have 2 daughters so none of the grandchildren have my last name. Also her maiden name is fairly common and easily spelled.  My last name is constantly misspelled and mispronounced. In this day and age with divorce so prevalent (rampant) and accepted as the norm. I can't understand her desire to be identified as my ex wife.

I'm reverting back to my maiden name.  Part of it is semantics.  Back a few years ago, we had some neighbors who were both on their second marriages.  I was talking to the woman one day and she was talking about deciding that they had been married for awhile and she wanted to go my his last name.  She had been using her first husband's last name because of her kids.  Anyway, she went by the Social Security office and they told her she needed a copy of the final divorce decree from her first marriage.  She said she'd burned that the day it came in.  So, she had to get that, go BACK to her maiden name THEN she could start using his name.  I want to avoid that should I decide to get married again.  AND, I've called my ex- "that creature I share a last name with."  I just don't like it.  I've already talked to my kids about it and they are fine with it.

I'm contemplating reverting to my maiden name....sometimes using his last name sickens me....even though we have 2 kids together and were married 18 years.  I even had trouble signing my name on a check for the first 2 months after he left....it hurt to be reminded that I was a Mrs. without a Mr.

It bothers me a little that my x uses my last name - but ultimately I think its a good thing she does. We have children together - and I think it helps them to feel bonded to both parents that both of their parents have the same last name as they do.
One of the benefits of divorce is that each person gets to do what they want. You are insisting on reaching into her private life and make changes. Just leave her alone and hope she does the same.

As a side note, my ex's own sister said to me "good for you" when I told her about it.

I told my ex that after what she did to me she didn't deserve to use my name!  I said "I don't care if you use your maiden name, your previous husband's, or her OM's, but I don't want you to use mine."  Although she didn't have to, she decided to use her previous name.  Kind of made sense though since she has kids from her previous marriage and we had none together.

why do you want her to change her name?  after 35 years of marriage and children and grandchildren.....what is the reason you would want her to not have the name/identity she has had for so very long?

The last name she has is her LEGAL name - you have as much right to demand she change her name as she would have to demand you change your last name to something else. Which is no right at all.

Look in the phone book, I'm sure there are at least a dozen people with the same last name as you, maybe more, your name isn't unique. You don't own the rights to it. When you divorce she just becomes yet another name in the phone book.

I guess I should have mentioned we have been married for 35 years this past August. Our children are married and have children of their own.

I had thought about using my maiden name and then decided not too. I have to sons and 2 grandchildren with my married name so I am going to keep my married name. I have had it for over 25 years! But yes I do believe we have a right too use what last name we want.